Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We Could Have Been


I'm on an Eric Benet tip...and I found this song on youtube that I never heard before but I like it :)


I cried today. I can't see you in this way- to see you hurting and knowing I can't do anything to help.

Spend My Life With You


I absolutely love this song! I love the message it sends and the feeling I get every time I hear it. It only makes me think of one thing...




I never knew such a day could come
And I never knew such a love
Could be inside of one

And I never knew what my life was for
But now that you're here I know for sure

I never knew till I looked in your eyes
I was incomplete till the day you walked into my life
And I never knew that my heart could feel
So precious and pure
One love so real

Can I just see you every morning when
I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you


Now baby the days and the weeks
And the years will roll by
But nothing will change the love inside
Of you and I

And baby I'll never find any words
That could explain
Just how much my heart my life
My soul you've changed


Can you run to these open arms
When no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world
I'm your woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you
With one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you

No touch has ever felt so wonderful
(You are incredible)
And a deeper love I've never known
(I'll never let you go)
I swear this love is true
(Now and forever to you)
(only for you)
To you


Can I just see you every morning when
I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you

Can you run to these open arms
When no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world
You're my woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you
With one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you


Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just spend my life with you
(Forever here with you)
Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just see you every morning when I
Open my eyes


Pinay Speaks.


From Pasig to Manila, into the melting pot of America,

She walked and graced her presence into the world.

Age seventeen, tender and young,

She wed and bore ten precious children,

Only to suffer and grieve from losing three of her eldest gifts.

Fast forward to the 70’s…

Her world turned upside down, inside out

For the first time since the American couple wanted her as their own for money,

The cold harsh reality of Virginia’s winds finally hit her elderly body

And just the coldest winter called for it,

She put on a coat,

Made of courage, strength, and bravery

And with her pious Catholic faith and devotion,

She continues to fight for her family,

Coat off, because today is her reality.

She is the foundation of our family.

Lola.



From Manila, to Bangkok, to Japan

A housewife to an OFW…an overseas Filipina worker

Cooking her way for money into a foreign land

Only to assist those who ones oppressed her,

The white elderly-

For money into the melting pot of America,

Where our presence causes bloods to boil

Like the sinigang na baboy she slaves so hard for

Because she, like her feminine “mother”, being a women, is shackled to the grounds of the kitchen

Only to be sold to the bedrooms of pitiful, paternalistic, pussy-hungry swines

As a mistress to masculine America.

However…resilience, intelligence, and beauty-

That is she.

Like my home, my mother country,

She is the rick that keeps me steady.

Nanay.



St. Paul College to Chula Vista High to UCSD.

I am not a sexual commodity to be sold for currency

That wont even go to me to take care of my family!

I am open to my sexuality

But pardon me if you believe that you can seduce me & sex me for money…

I am not a gold digging mail order bride for a white man nor his wealth

So don’t expect my beauty to rot and be chunky

Like a possible “husband” I would supposedly marry for his money

Shit, how dare YOU have the audacity?!

So don’t expect me to give you head

Because you got a hundred dollar bill waiting on your bed

Or speak a language with such an accent- or so you said.

Cuz unlike Lil Wayne’s lyrics,

I do have a good head game

Because my brain aint the same--- as yours.

I am lifted, my mental capacity is shifted

Because I come from a generation of women who are gifted.

My knowledge is my power,

Bright enough to empower myself

From having to surrender to your sexual candor

I am the light that shines brightly

To live the life of my family’s legacy

Pinay ako.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Born Free


I just saw one of the most controversial 8:53 minute video of my life. M.I.A. finally came back releasing her new album, "Free" and I haven't heard all the songs but I feel this one. The video is crucial and very controversial but it reinforces the injustices that occur in our society everyday, whether we choose to "see" it or not.

I actually admire her for being bold enough to address the fact that these issues are VERY PRESENT in society. Everything is NOT all good, just so happens that not everyone is socially aware...whether it's because they choose to be or not for one reason or another.

It's even more upsetting that people choose to be blinded by these issues that are CLEARLY right under their noses. Everywhere we go, there is always some type of injustice, and it continues to be perpetuated because people choose not to say or do anything about them! "An injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" so it's up to us to protect ourselves and our freedoms.

My homie Sy addressed something I didn't think about before. He said that we were born free but as soon as we are out, shackles are forced upon us and we become enslaved by the typical norm and bullshit society feeds us. Freedom is a relative term, especially when we have to UNDO things and ideologies we have been fed to believe and live up to.

I choose not to be a dummy or a slave to bullshit. I hope you strive to be free, just like me, because we ARE born free...so we should live with that legacy!



http://www.miauk.com/

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1637769/20100426/mia__4_.jhtml

[Here's the link to the video & the article]





Whooo!
Yeah man made powers
Stood like a tower higher and higher hello
And the higher you go you feel lower, oh
I was close to the end staying undercover
staying undercover
With a nose to the ground I found my sound

Got myself an interview tomorrow
I got myself a jacket for a dolla
.............
and the car doesn't work so I'm stuck here
yeah i don't wanna live for tomorrow
I push my life today
I throw this in your face when I see ya
I got something to say
I throw this shit in your face when I see ya
Cause I got something to say

I was born free (born free)
I was born free (born free)
(bo-bo-born free ....)

You could try to find ways to be happier
You might end up somewhere in Ethiopia
You can think big with your idea
You ain't never gonna find utopia
Take a bite out of life make it snappier yeah
Ordinary gon super trippyer
So I check sh!t cause I'm lippyer
And split a cheque like slovakia

Yeah i don't wanna live for tomorrow
I push my life today
I throw this in your face when I see you
I got something to say
I throw this sh!t in your face when I see you
Cause I got something to say

I was born free (born free)
I was born free (born free)
I was born free (born free)
(bo-bo-born free ....)
ooooh

I don't wanna talk about money, 'cause I got it
And I don't wanna talk about hoochies, 'cause I been it
And I don't wanna be that fake?, but you can do it
And imitators, yeah, speak it

Oh Lord? whoever you are, yeah come out wherever you are
Oh Lord? whoever you are, yeah come out wherever you are
and tell em!

Born free (born free)
I was born free (born free)
I was born free (born free)
(bo-bo-born free ....)



Saturday, April 24, 2010

Expecting the unexpected.


Expectations with an added twist of affirmations can sometimes get the best of us. On top of that, sometimes, our thoughts get in the way of us feeling...and I mean really FEELING things for what's real.

stop thinking. feel. and not the kind of feel like you feel happy when that person is around. if it feels right.

because choosing to pursue, or in most girls cases, to be pursued is a very important decision

it's a game, but it's a worthless game if it doesnt involve the right players

because although it's a game, you're both supposed to win

whenever you find yourself thinking too much, STOP

and feel the situation

and go with what FEELS right

not what you THINK is right



Sometimes I wish I didn't talk so much. Or felt the need to talk as much. I be hitting people up left and right EXPECTING a response...and I get frustrated when I don't get a response back. I know people are busy and I am too, but I think I'm a better procrastinator than a lot of people...smh. That's all bad for lots of reasons. One, I don't get shit done that I'm supposed to. Two, I start to bug people :(

Ughhh FML. I wish I had a switch to turn my brain off to talking and turn it on to studying and getting focused! Cuz then it fucks with my head when someone I hit up doesn't answer and I just get irritable. ALL BAD
!


Monday, April 19, 2010

Isn't she lovely?!



Ahhhhh, my parents finally got me a car! IT's my SUPER early 20th birthday present. I've been waiting for so long to get a car...ever since my junior year of high school (I am now a 2nd year college student) lol.

Check her out for and see for yourself!
[2010 Honda Civic LX: 041810]
:)





Good things come to those who wait :)



Wednesday, April 7, 2010



I'm done with dudes. Real talk. I'm tired. No more explanation needed.

That is THAT.







Friday, April 2, 2010

Head of the Union




I want some cunnilingus


...and then some.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

My mind is racing


and oddly enough, my heart is steady pacing. Lately, my mind has been clouded by recurring thoughts.

Thoughts about love. Thoughts about school. Thoughts about success. Thoughts about my future. Thoughts about my relationships. Thoughts about where I stand.


I haven't really blogged lately, and it's not because I have nothing to say...honestly, I just haven't found the energy to write down everything I have without censoring it and making sense of it. I guess I'm drained, emotionally. I'm tired all the time.

Lately, I've been thinking and feeling like the people who I thought I knew are mere reflections of the surfaces I've simply scratched...if that. After mentor practicum, I feel like I don't really know anybody. Yeah, I've gotten to know myself and have gotten a bit more comfortable with who I am me, but with that said, I feel like I've been disconnected from all the realities I thought I had about my relationships.

I honestly feel like I'm always on the surface, and even when I look back and reflect on my interactions with people, my heart just feels empty. The scary part is...IDK why that is. I feel numb. I feel as if I'm in my own little world, literally. I feel like I am able to express myself better but at the same time, it's harder for me to absorb when people express themselves to me. Not to say that I don't truly listen to them because I do...I just feel like a sponge though. Absorbing all that information only to squeeze it right back out.

I feel like there's so much I want to do, and so much I am capable of doing, yet I feel stuck in the mud. Take today for example. It was a long day. Rehearsal, two trainings, paperwork, meetings...and an email stating that I am subjected to academic disqualification. How did I get here? I used to be so good at being a student. Now, it's like I don't even wanna do the same thing that used to drive me. Now it just feels like a chore.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my thoughts...and I guess, I forget about my feelings that I'm numbed. Sometimes, it feels like a stroke...my mind is paused and somehow dead but my body is still alive. I don't like thinking this way because I don't wanna disappoint my mother, my father, my family...myself. I have these high expectations then I get so tired of reaching up to them, then I get confused. And I feel like I have no right to complain or vent to anyone else because I set them for myself, and people don't wanna hear a failure.

Sometimes, I just wanna sleep and pray. Dream until the next day, then maybe things can be better. I know struggle is a part of life and that I'm closer to God when I struggle. I guess, I'm getting really close to Him, and not to use His name in vain, but maybe, my prayers are paying off because he sees me now since I feel like I'm at a constant state of suffering. Even when I try or am goofy or silly, there's always a state of seriousness, state of emergency, inside my head...just waiting to blow up.

Today is different. It feels more like a cardiac arrest, a heart attack if you will. My mind is racing, fingers typing excessively, but my heart is quiet. It feels like it's surrounded by fat- it cannot move. SIGHS. Thank you Erykah Badu for quieting my thoughts. They were getting too loud that my head is starting to hurt. My vision is almost impaired because it's getting to the point where my eyes have to squint, it hurts that badly.

I'm done for now. That's all my heart would let me share for me.