Putting my Thoughts together

Even my spelling had to be corrected with the simple word, "together". I've been all over the place and in one place at the same time, for a while now. Two, maybe three weeks, maybe even months, now. I don't even know how long it has really been, I can't keep track of when it started feeling like this but all I know is that it's a strangely familiar feeling.

Pause. I had to take a break even after one paragraph. The keys under my finger tips feel good. Note that "Makes Me Whole" is ironically playing as I type. Ironic for two reason. Will and I. I do not feel whole.

Woah, even those last two sentences/phrases look weird. "I'm not scared of lions, and tigers, and bears, but I'm scared of loving you...Am I the only one who think it's an impossible task? Why do we love Love when Love seems to hate us?"

I'm literally typing up all the thoughts in my head. Random or not. Maybe I can decode it later and figure out what is really going on. Maybe two years after I post this. It's been three years since I first heard this song, and I liked it then, but I understand it now. Questions. Questioning. I was thinking the other day that maybe, I'm feeling this way because I have not fully processed what happened, and what continues to happen to me.

The big things don't seem to feel as big. The little things just seem to be there, meaningless yet meaningful all at once. I don't know where I am. I am transitioning, I guess you can call it that for  lack of a better word. I find myself writing only when I'm feeling completely lost, or feeling like I'm floating, stagnantly about.

Pause again. My thoughts regarding anything just stopped. Did I all of a sudden release everything that I needed to say already? No, I don't think so. I feel tired. Like those words exhausted me. It took a lot out of me, literally and yes, pun intended too because it took a lot out of me metaphorically too. I don't even know if I'll remember what I meant with what I just said in a day.

I usually stop when I feel better but I don't feel better. I want to stop because I'm tired. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just want to let it go. LET IT GO. Maybe that's it. I've let it go. I'm letting go.

Do I ever cross your mind...

I know you used to read this blog, but I wonder if you still check up on me, or if that is just a reality in my head.

In all honesty, I looked at your FB page and saw an apartment listing thing...I feel like I'm missing out on the materialistic things, but more importantly, the things that are associated with those material objects...

Like walking around your room as if I owned it, like you said I should because it shows I'm comfortable.
Like wearing your crewnecks and taking them with me when I leave so I can sleep in your scent when I got to bed at night.
Like making you dinner, or having you make me dinner, then sitting, no more like cuddling on the couch while we watch Disney movies and you whispering sweet nothings in my ear during the movie...
Like everything else that you said we'd do, but never got to do.

The fuck am I still holding on for?

I want everything you promised me...and more.
I just want you.

It's been so long...

I can't even believe I'm on this blog again, my blog, again.

I have so much I want to say to myself, to you...
But I feel like I need to start from scratch and see where I am and how I am before I do just that.
I need practice, you know. I haven't done this, I haven't done it.
I haven't been vulnerable in my words- the ones that will last longer, make a lasting impression I hope- in so very long.

I feel my chest compounded, I feel the same unexplainable, full yet empty feeling that I did from the last time I blogged.
I missed you, miss you.
Yeah, I guess I still do.

Fronted like I was done,
Like I was okay....
And for a minute, maybe a split second, I was- no really, I was.
Then I thought of just how happy I was when you were around,
And the unhappiness, that emptiness of you, came crashing back.

I know I control my own thoughts and somehow try to control my own emotions,
At least, I should be able to...
But somehow, it's the only thing I cannot control,
And for some reason, I'm okay with that.

I miss you.
I want to see you,
Your smile...
Your being.

I read this Tumblr post today,
It seemed so appropriate what it said.
It was written by a girl, about a boy...
But what she said, I wish you would say to me,
At least in your head.

I feel like you still care,
Maybe you don't and maybe I feel that way
Because I wish you do, still did, care.

I want to be surprised when you hit me up randomly,
But not because you need anything physically or materialistically,
But just because you want to talk,
Vent,
Be you...
And allow me to be me.

I don't wanna fight with you,
In fact, I never did.
I'm just sad that it seemed like for the longest time, that's all we ever did.
And I wish we didn't because I wish I just knew how to tell you
Without fear,
How much you really meant, mean, to me.

Somehow, I'm fighting myself because it's too late,
But I want to believe it's not,
Even though your actions speak louder than how I will ever feel.

And that's a lot to say.

I dont wanna think about you anymore! Why do I keep thinking about you?! And I just wanna talk to you but I dont have anything to say really...

I can hear my heart crying out for you...

And it's crying out for love, for you.

I can't even write anymore or do anything I usually can. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing seems to work. I keep finding myself thinking of you. Replaying every moment that involved you. I wish it were as easy to write a paper for school as writing a blog about you or a letter for you.

WHAT THE FUCK

Universe, can you just please give me a break?!

I wanna tell you, but I'm afraid you will never understand just how much I think, feel, cry out for you.

WHY DO I STILL?

I wanna write until I don't feel anymore but I feel like I will fill this page and this day, this week, this week, maybe this lifetime, saying the same things in different ways because thats how much I feel for you and can write about you.

I can let my life pass me by, I just wanna make you understand...

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ANYMORE.

I just feel these things and no matter how much I say I get numb and been numbed, I still feel my chest heave, my tears still feel drenched with all the tears I still could cry.

I just wanna be connected to you, stay connected with you.
I'm torturing myself doing so...

I keep holding on when it's just so much easier in the long run to let go.
What's keeping me here?
It's all in my unconscious...

I wanna dream so I can get a glimpse of this reason,
unexplained, hidden, unaware

This time of the month

DISCLAIMER: Pardon the wrath, it just comes with this time. [YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!]

It has "blessed" me TWICE this month...

SMFH!

This shit is the most annoying time of the month, well time(s) now. IDK what's wrong with my body but... 

DAMN YOU, FUCKER! I HATE YOUR STINKING GUTS!!!

I become the biggest bitch with no appetite and no desire to do anything but chill and watch mindless television...

THE TYPICAL THINGS THAT ARE NOT ME!

So guess what boys?! You think you got lucky without that monthly heavy, but think about it, you can't escape it either...

IF I HAVE TO FEEL IT, YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH IT TOO!!!!

Eventful & life-changing

I've been learning alot lately. About myself. About life. And just about being.

I've learned that settling with always give you a feeling of unsettlement and never fulfill any dreams, as grand and positive as the outlook may be.

I've learned that making decisions are crucial to the consequences that I have to face in life, and they have to be well-thought out to the tee prior to the actual process of making one.

I've learned that I have much more strength and courage within myself, and far more lessons to be learned, more tears to cry- whether good or bad- and more times to tell myself "I told you so" before i can honestly say that I am even near that almost perfect I aim to be.

With that said, I learned that I can never get to some things I aim to achieve because it is damn near impossible to do so without consent of both parties and God.

I learned that I had to lose myself so that I can learn to appreciate who and what I have, so I can love myself and everyone better.

I learned that I am capable of being loved and I deserved to be loved, and that I shouldn't hold back when I feel love towards someone because fear is not good enough of an excuse to lose someone who means the world to me.

I learned that I can be happy after making a not-so-easy and heartbreaking decision, if and when it is done for the better.

I've learned not to blame myself for such things that I have no control over, and that I should just let things be because I cannot control everything, not even what does and will happen to me.

I've learned to smile and find the benefit of every situation, or try to at least, instead of moping and looking into the bad aspects of it because that is easier of an excuse to be miserable, and an even worse excuse to stay down on my own.

With that said, I've learned that I should treat and reward myself for days when I find myself smiling and laughing alot because I know that those days do not come all the time, especially in certain times, so I learn to appreciate them more so I can have more of them to cherish.

With that said also, I've learned that no one can control how I feel, despite their acts of kindness or cruelty. I can only control how I react to them and the situation. I can choose to let it go or linger...either way, I make my own decisions, therefore I cause my own emotions. It just so happened that people and their actions may trigger such things.

I've learned that I am a very emotional person. I liked to hide my feelings, but I'm learning to own up to them and accept them for what they are. After all, if I can't even accept my own feelings, then how do I expect anyone else to?

I've learned that certain things cannot be left out to do for another day when they spring up on you. Some things, I just cannot procrastinate with because it keeps me from progressing.

I've learned to lean not on my own understanding because I will never and should never expect to understand everything I encounter. I learned to have a better relationship with my mother and God, and I hope to expand that to a relationship with my dad as well soon.

I've learned that I am a lover, who gives all for those I love, without any regrets...just hopes.

I learned that I continue to learn something new everyday.

I learned my self-worth, therefore I respect myself more, and love myself more because if I can't then no one else will. Because God loves me and bore me with love.

Today was definitely a wonderful day filled with great things.

Took my brother to the petshop to get turtles and fish.

Bought a black forest cake for Mom & Dad.

Bough Popeye's chicken for lunch.

Ate lunch with brother and his girl.

Saw Costa Rica thru The Hills with sissy.

Went to Party City to get birthday balloons and ended up with Disney lanyards too!

Dropped off balloons at home and wrote notes.

Went to the mall with bro, his gf, and sis.

Saw cuties at the new store.

Bought mom a present and shopped for me and sis.

Japanese dinner with the sibs.

Text from Dad that we got the new apt!

Rented a movie.

Ate bday cake.

Saw Justin (sorry for the hurry :/)

Dropped off Josh.

Finished the movie.

Listening to Lauryn Hill & writing :)

I hate being asked where my brother and sister are at. Usually they are with their girlfriend and boyfriend. And I answer that every time. Usually, that is followed by a "Aww where is yours?" or "Aww so you're alone again?!"

CLEARLY. I'm always left to "go on dates" with the children, the elderly, and basically anyone who is left.

Tiring.

4th of July.

You know that feeling you get when you just feel like a complete fuck up?
I've been feeling that way for the past 2 weeks or so.

Sometimes, a lot more of the times lately, I've been feeling like I should be isolated somewhere where I can no longer upset, disappoint, offend, or hinder anyone.

I do not know what has gotten into me, but today...I've managed put back up into a trashbin and put a small dent on my car from either that or having a rock fly into it. I've been physically tired and ached from the past few weeks. Maybe few years.

I have been sheltered all my life. I was taught to live in fear. Fear of my father, my parents. Fear of consequences. Fear of rejection, and fear of failure. So I try so hard to be perfect and free of mistakes, yet it is during those times when I try to rid myself of dirt that I get demolished by a bulldozer.

I'm tired of disappointing my mom, especially my dad, with things he tells me NOT to do. As hard as I try not to, shit happens and I end up doing the very thing he tells me not to. The fear and the pressure leads me to it. It attracts me to it. I don't wanna blame him or anyone cuz it is not his fault, but my own.

I'm too fearful. Too cautious. Too meek, weak, to make these mistakes and keep them from happening. My fear hinders me from living because I'm too afraid of the consequences. I become a pushover because I no longer do what I want, but do what I need in order to keep others from confronting me and making THEM happy. That's too much pressure if you ask me, yet I put in on my shoulders to bear.

I want to live in an isolated bubble where I can no longer worry. No longer be afraid of whatever consequence my actions will bring. Therefore, I won't need to rely on anyone else for anything else. Only myself. I won't need to be sheltered. I can only be me. It is, afterall, the day of freedom for all- even me.

07/04/2010
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

July.

I'm trying to wet my feet with this thing one more time. Little by little...I'm writing again. I find it ironic that I only get to write when I am bothered, sad, or anything not so positive. As if I can only keep records of the bad things, but I guess it's because it is from those times when I learn the most and the grow the most.

So I guess this post is about "the energy invested in someone I saw potential in"...funny, I'm listening to July by Drake for many reasons and that line came in as soon as I started this paragraph...how appropriate. But I guess lemme start by how "appropriate" this song is right now. The weather is actually looking more like summer, with the sun and the heat coming out. But it's like as soon as the sun rose outside, the rain started falling inside. No more tears, but still the tangles are there. I wish it was like that Johnson & Johnson stuff but it's not.

It's just so complicated because I partly make it so. "You had to change up the game oh the weather is not same..." Damn. It's the same old shit. Alone at night, not even on the phone...so I get to hear my heart speak and think.

What makes it even more ironic...I wasn't thinking about it. I fall asleep and wake up at 1am after a terrible dream involving this said individual....and another woman. The same real life feelings in a dream setting. Damn, sounds too familiar.

What makes all this worse? I'm now starting to realize just how much being in a relationship means to my family...and me. My dad got four free tickets to the Del Mar Fair. My mom walks into my room with the tickets. I'm laying down, about to fall asleep, sister on the computer. She says something to me about us going to the fair...then my dad speaks loudly from the other room, saying "No, only for the couples..." Now, thinking back at it, I think maybe I was in the living room with them, watching TFC not laying down when he said this...yes that was it! My mom mentioned it again after she showed me the tickets, and when he said that, I simply walked away.

Simple comment. Far more complex implications on my behalf. I'm the only one in my family without a committed relationship, besides my grandmother and my little cousins who are not of age yet. I'm starting to realize more and more that...the things I want, I can't have....ever.

It goes with clothes and shopping, and relationships. I'm not cut out for this shit. My blogs are always backed by love and passion....but despite it all, I'm just not personally cut out for relationships. I'm just gonna give up on it all. I have other things I have going for me, so I should just focus on everything else that I do well in. I guess I can't have it all.

Everything but the most important thing to me. I guess I can't have it all. But I guess that just means I'll be successful. But what is success without someone to share it with? Yeah, people might say and have said...oh you're still so young, don't worry about it. Yeah, sure thing...but if you think about it. I will be 20 in exactly 3 weeks. It takes years to get to know someone, build a foundation and trust, and really be in tune with someone. Shit it took me 19 years to even be slightly in tune with who I am...so what makes you think I'm too young to worry? How dare you tell me not to worry when I genuinely am concerned?

Enough. I've given up. No, not on love, but just me finding a true one. I guess if I wanted, I can just look at my parents. Or my sister and her 2 and 1/2 year happy, strong relationship with Josh. Or my brother and his 1 year love affair with Adriana. Or my cousins and their children. Or....the list goes on. Just don't look in the mirror.

My [LIFE] as I knew it

I haven't written anything in a while. I really don't know the reason why...but the other night, I had a dream that I had the same problem and in the dream, it was really troubling me. But the only thing different, is that in the dream, I actually started writing. And it was something awesome and meaningful...something I've never written before. Like a different type and structure of writing with a rhythm. Not rap, but rhythm. I woke up from the dream and was really disappointed to realize that it was nothing but a dream.

Still haven't written anything. So I thought I'd revisit you, and see if anything can come out of me, before I completely forget. My plans of revisiting didn't work. I still haven't written anything...meaningful, of substance...like I used to. I still can't remember what I wanted to say and how I feel. As if I didn't write anything at all. Maybe that's why. I'm typing, not writing.

Even my journal is hiding...sleeping...in a box along with my useless, unnecessary books that I hated reading but loved possessing because I felt smarter and more important having them there. It's just taking up space but the pages are left untouched and unmarked by the ink that would dry up because of how much I wrote on my journal with my sloppy-thinking-outlloud-gotta-write-this-down-idea-so-I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck-if-it's-sloppy handwriting. SO far from my typical "nice" writing.

I miss writing. It was my release. It helped me cope. It helped me vent. It helped me breathe through times of trouble. Now I don't know what to do. I don't even have writing anymore. It almost feels like I don't have anything anymore.