dayummm!

unsure.

worried.

pensive.

confused.

APPREHENSIVE.

Things just don't feel the same to me. I was so sure that I was positive about something, then it turns out that things aren't always what you expect...DUH right?! But it seems like even though that's a common knowledge that everyone should know, it still always hits me harder everytime it happens. I realized that there is no middle ground with me. I'm always in two extremes...either high or low. It's weird because I pride myself in being and staying optimistic, but it's either I'm really positive and believe in it myself, or I'm just being positive so that someone else can benefit from it and not feel so bad about themselves, almost like I'm trying to heal them with my optimism even though deep down in myself, I'm lost for words. Other times, I just feel so spaced out and gone...[not literally] but i feel like I can't handle things that have been put on my plate because it's too much emotions all at once. Sadly, it always seems to involve some kind of testosterone in the issue...if not fully, then partially. I hate it because I always tell myself to be strong and to not put myself in a situation where I can get hurt but it always seems to come to me. Don't think I'm complaining, because really, I'm not...I just feel the need to speak on it because I've kept it hidden for so long now...

There's one person in particular. I tried to tell myself to not fall into it [into him] because it just doesn't make any sense...I asked a good friend who seems to always help me understand and make sense of myself better when she's gives me advice...and here's what she said:

'yeah i see where ur going, but i disagree with ur logic cuz to me...im like, why would you pass up something you clearly been lookin forward to just because ur afraid of catching feelings? yea it'd be hard to keep anything up long-distance wise but thats why u just hafta remember that this cant be taken too seriously...'

I'll just have to take my partna's advice and just leave it to having fun...and maybe, just maybe...it would help if I let it be known I'm feeling this way and not be scared of being vulnerable...for a change.

***CURIOUS...for reasons more than one

P.S. Estelle's song speaks truth right about now :)

Something to think about...

Today started off like any other day...wake up then eat and just chill. Then, we...meaning my brother, sister, and I went to a basketball game and met up with some friends of mine. Everything was good, our team won and we ended up at La Bella's right after to eat. Then we decided to go kick it at someone's house and have some drinks and just kick it. That was going well and so was everything else. Then we decided to go to Denny's at 3:30 am. That was the worst decision we made....

It was cool, until one of our friend's homeboys came through and then all of a sudden there was a fight outside...it all happened so fast and all I can remember thinking of was, "Where's my brother? Come over here!" I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. That was the worst feeling in the world seeing someone I knew get in a big ass fight, not to mention that my younger brother was about 20 feet away from it all. I was scared not even really for me, but for my little brother. Thank goodness we got outta there before we got in trouble...

The whole thing just made me realize how important the people I care about in my life are. There may be times when I disagree and dislike them, but at the end of the day, I would still put myself on the line before them....

THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR GUIDANCE! :)

OH yessss!

  I'm being sooo lazy so heres the jist of it!

Woke up feelin GRRRREAT!!!!! shieeet it was a straight up awesomeee feeling!

-weird dream but it was coo ;)

-costco, walmart, albertsons, & henrys for groceries

 ***btw we finally got the wii! :)

-home to eat home-made lunch.

-LMFAO & ROFL literally

-karaoke time!!!!

-nap time!

-eat again: NY steak, baked salmon, honey glazed ham, fresh mashed potatoes, green beans, salad

-wash TONS of dishes!

-get ready to dip

***a lil mishap & argument with the mother & brother

-Christmas mass :)

-open presents

***ewww convo with a muthafucka, who is still a muthafuckah btw...

-take pictures!!!!

awesomeeee day! :) woulda been better if certain 'issues' didnt occur,

but all's well that ends well!!!!!

***CONTENT...let's see whats up for the rest of the week

P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Kahhh!

I found out my lil punkass boarded a plane Monday morning so he's here now :) Christmas eve tomorrow aka cousin's bday and Tiffany's bday haha. Funny how exhaustion can cause horndog behavior! Mwahaha... 'but i have the urge to see you' lmao.

Random ass shieeeet! I'm hungry ass hell! Brother and I was watchin Wanted on DVD and that shit was jokessss! COuldnt STOP laughin mannn!

'Othawise shoot this muthafuckah!'

ohhh man!

Shopping for dudes is NOOO joke man! It took three hours for 5 items, like gahhhdayummm ninja! LOL. Anywhoo, I'm outros....

***EXHAUSTED...but ready!

Coincidence...

I think it's quite ironic and even a little funny that certain people can never leave you...

It's like no matter the distance, once you talk to them you always get that same warm feeling, remember those same good memories, and feel those same butterflies when you hear their laugh, listen to them speak, or even picture their flashy smile.

I feel like the holidays do bring a spirit of joy in everybody...even those you thought you'd never forgive, you end up feeling love for them, not so much in that affectionate 'I-wanna-be-yours' kinda way, but in that 'I-wish-you-well' kinda way.

 Idk what triggered this particular person, but I'm glad it did, because it sparked a reminiscent, yet humorous conversation between us, and though brief, I appreciated every word from it.

AHHH, anywhoo...my day was great once again! I love the Christmas season...not so much actual Christmas day itself although it is nice to open up presents and all that, but I love the December days that lead up to it because everyone is just so joyful and glowing, with their faces gleaming with smiles that brighten up my day. I just feel so good about everything, even about the things that bother me! Hmmm, I'm thankful for everyday, but extra grateful for those days :)

***BLESSED...cannot ask for more right now

P.S. I lowkey miss L.B. aka Jenna...real name [mr. Rush]

:]

Today was a great day! :) Woke up early because my momma and I had to finish our Christmas shopping, and I woke up to a cute text YAY! haha...

[Anywhoooo!]

I came up with a brilliant scheme to get my dad an iPhone for his xmas/21st anniversary present so my mom agreed and she got it!

We went home and I wrapped presents for everybody while my momma made some dessert she likes to call 'broken glass'.

Saw the Lakers game and the Cavaliers game...then in the middle of those, gave Mr. Hart his share of the dessert.

Kicked it with Carlos, Louie, and Esther my love, went to In and Out, went to Walmart at 1 am ish but it was closed, and finally, talked about S-E-X baby! LOL! ;) and didn't get in til 3:50 am mwahahahaha!

BTW, it's my partna in crime's BIG 18th birthday...FINALLY! Now we can go clubbing! Whoooo hooo! :) 

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday 

dear Elizeeeeee, 

happy birthday to you! 

***MIXED EMOTIONS about the coming week...we'll see what happens!

Just a thought...

I wasn't planning on writing today, just because I feel quite sad and weird but here I go anyways. I was actually watching Oprah today and Will Smith was in it...now, it caught my eye because i loooove him, but what kept my attention was how insightful he was about his life and life in general. He said something like, you shouldn't do anything unless it can make you better and help you and someone else get better. That really got to me and how I wanna live the rest of my life. Here is a billionaire man with a beautiful family and a wonderful life, humbling himself in order to share a meaningful secret, and maybe the most useful and helpful advice I have heard and it wasn't even directed to me, but I felt it either way. 

It made me realize that I shouldn't linger on the bad things that happened and that I shouldn't hold on to the people who just cause me to feel negative emotions and things of that sort. I was so angry at one person for quite a while, and now, I feel like I'm not even angry anymore. At least, I shouldn't feel anger towards that person anymore. I feel compassion for that person, wishing and hoping for all the happiness in the world for that person. Even though things did not work out for us, I still hold a place for that person somewhere in, I don't know exactly why, but I continue to hope and pray that person will make the right decisions and be content. As for me, I hope to relieve myself of this anxiety and stress I put on myself and just be able to let go of everything and just be happy. I am my own woman and there are many things surrounding me that continue to inspire, motivate, and love me for me. No more negative thoughts and all the negative energy, I hope to transform into good and optimism.

WHEW! That was wayyyy serious...just had to get it off my chest. Whoever you are, and you know who you are, I forgive you and wish you the best even if it's not with me. 

***SOMEWHAT RELIEVED...

P.S. I am definitely gonna have to see "Seven Pounds"

New haircut! :]

Yes, bitches!!! I got a new haircut...FINALLY! after like a gazillion dog years! :) Thankfully, it's still long, so don't worry boyssss, there's still something to pull on ya digggg? Sikeeeee! You freaking wish! Nawwww, never that suckah!!!!!

MWAHAHAHA! ;)

Oh yesss, & btw, my mother decided to come up with a new nickname for me! Her mean-ass is gonna call me 'ching-ching'! & no not cuz I got all that bling [even though I am a BAUCE] but it's cuz she thinks I'm fatt! :'( it's this stupid Filipino nickname thangggg!

UGHHH! my own mother =/ like WTF??? wayy to lower my self-esteem...SIKEEEE!

HA! oh well, at least my boobies are healthiER-looking, feel me? ;)

Anywhoo...Christmas is coming early, well 2 days early as a matta fact :)

My dateeee is coming next week, so let's CROSS our fingers!

Don't get too excited though....pshhhh!

OHHHHH!!!!! & btw, x-mas concert for my sister is tonight!

miss those days...toodles :)

***EXCITED/anxious...can't ya feel it? 

[to be continued]

P.S. So what if i got FIVEEE extra pictures of my new haircut? 

Camera whore, indeed. It's not like you're not either! 

Suck my heel and shake your clit bitch! 

This one muhfuckah...

I don't look too happy in this picture because for some reason that
IDK, a muhfuckah has been on my mind for the past couple days, even after the thought that he's been erased from my memory. Well, apparently NOT! This muhfuckahhh, mannn I don't even know where the fck to begin with this dude.

'Used to talk in the summer, "Hey sweetie..." blahh blahhh blahhhh! Then that stopped and we was just FRIENDS...little did I know, I wouldn't be able to shake this dude out my life, cuz he came right back...and this time took something from me, which I really didn't mind sharing. NOOOO, that's not the issue here mayne! That is NOT AT ALL why I'm so deeply infuriated with his ass! He had the nerve to accuse me and get angry with me! & for what? Shiiieeeeet, who knows, cuz I sure as hell don't have the slightest idea! Which angered me even more cuz there was absolutely no relevant reason to get mad at someone who was trying to fix things with you, asshole!  Him, his new flashy whip, his new 'girl', and his [psychobabble bullshit] can all kiss my filipino ass!'

ANYWAYS! Despite all he's put me through, I thank you for strengthening me and for making me see the real you...which DEFINITELY helped me realize that you're not someone I need in my life like I thought I did. You definitely proved to me that you weren't who I thought you were, but despite all the bad, I still pity you, and would pity you wayyyyy the hell before I pity myself, because at least I know what I deserve...but I feel like you don't even know what you have, and you don't know what you have to offer. I wish you theee best of luck in life and in the pursuit of your happiness [however cliche that may sound]...and I am deeply, from the bottom of my heart, so thankful, because now, when a good thing comes along, I'll definitely know and appreciate it more.

First time everrrrr...!

So yeah, this basically takes me bloggin virginity...this is ME btw :)

I'm home for the winter break and it's funny cuz most people would be happy,

but I feel quite indifferent...almost like I don't belong [blahhh typical college student feeling]. I'm happy and straight and all, but idk maybe it's the 'post-rag' reaction, as me & E like to call it. MWAHAHAHA!

[btw that's my evil laugh, you'll be hearing it alot]

Anywhoo, I'm blogging cuz I needed something to help me sort out my emotions,

especially when I feel like nobody else is there to hear me out, ya know? Hmmm, so yeah I'm just gonna leave it at that but if I continue having these emotions, then I'll forsure post.

***DISCONTENT to say the least...

(but you can't even tell in that picture cuz this is a temporary feeling)