Prolific

I have been writing quite alot...and I mean at least once everyday, before I go to bed. I'm grateful to have a Blackberry because I lowkey feel like Rev Run writing a daily entry. Well, it's nightly for me though because I find it very difficult to go to sleep most days, and the days when sleep does come easily, I still somehow find the time and energy to write because it's very important for me to release my thoughts. And since I don't really like talking and sharing them in person, I "speak" through my script. So here goes two more entires from last night.

Some ppl say they can't live without sumone after they're gone. I say we can, but we can't live the same way without that certain person because- for the better or for worse- they have changed our lives. We will forever have their memories within us because sumhow, they have shaped us and the way we live our lives.

I hate feeling vulnerable and feeling like I'm being pitied. I hate feeling like I need someone to complete me and feeling like my day would only be complete if I get a call or a text from a certain person. I used to make fun of girls of did that kinda stuff cuz I thot they were weak, yet now I'm acting in the same way as the girls I used to laugh at. Someone should make fun and laugh at me. Maybe that'll help me snap out of it.

That's just what I mean by not living the same way once someone new has entered your life. You never know how and what will happen until certain people have made a definite impact in your life. I know that's the case for me, and the thing is, as much as I try to not let it change and affect me, it does. It even affects how and what I talk about because it seems as if everything I do and wanna talk about would involve certain people one way or another. I just become someone I never expected myself to be.

That first one is just like most of the things I write about: things that concern me and things I constantly think about in one shape or form. Here's another one. It's a poem. And I don't mean to post these things for people to comment on, although I wouldn't mind those, they're really for me to gather and organize my thoughts so that I don't have to share to people how vulnerable and meek I feel inside sometimes. And sometimes, I wish I could be more understood and less judged because of the way I am and the way I act sometimes.

Even the deep blue sea

Aint got nothin on the thoughts I keep.

Not even the widest and grandest of canyons,

Cuz these freestyles twirling around in my head are just too damn deep.

If my thoughts were material,

I swear to you they would be more powerful

Than the atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima during the war.

They could cause genocide, they're that prolific and constant.

My thoughts, as food?

Well they can end world hunger,

In Africa, Asia, anywhere if you ask me.

They are that nourishing and vast.

But my thoughts are often not given value,

Not by him, not but you, not even by myself.

Because most of the time, they just cause anxiety

So I just leave em and store em up on a shelf.

But I doubt there's enough shelves or even rooms in the world to store my thoughts,

Especially the ones I try to forget and ignore

Since I don't want to add to the already growing hatred and abhor.

I wish they would just understand.

I'm not asking that they reprimand

Me for constantly and wishfully thinking,

But I'm asking, that maybe, just maybe,

Some of my thoughts could be heard,

Cuz just like the little voices waiting in Sudan

Or the big voices dying in North Korea,

I have something to say

And just like them,

I want peace too.

Peace of the heart, body, and soul.

Peace of mind.

Inner peace to increase man.

For him, you, and me- I

Want peace for those living- and dying- today.

I don't usually act like this, because I don't like feeling this way at all. I like being in a state of happiness as much as I can. But I needed a way to release these emotions, thoughts, whatever people wish to refer to them so I don't drive myself nuts. That's all.

***WISHFUL THINKING

P.S. Who knew that thinking can get a person into these kinds of things. Almost feeling like, "Ahhh oh well, fuck it." Never a good feeling to possess, ever.