HIGH on LIFE

I was reading a blog entry last night/this morning that, I wouldn't say made me realize something cuz I already knew it, but it helped me put words in my own thoughts. I definitely have let an idea turn into something so much more than that. I let it hinder something that makes me happy, BUT I realized that I am more patient, stronger, and have more faith, as long as I dig deeper than what I see in the surface.

It's the things that are unexpected that most touches our hearts and leaves a mark that will linger no matter the trials and tribulations. It's also those who we try to help who end up helping us in bettering ourselves, who end up shining their lights on us and continue to brighten our lives with their presence.

We tend to focus on the standards we want out of life instead of really looking AND seeing what is infront of us. Yes, it's great to know what you want, but we also have to acknowledge that what we want may come in a different shape or form, and more times than not, it does. We just have to learn to distinguish whether or not it is something that we truly want, even in its other form, and if we are passionate enough to nourish it. Such things are very fragile, but once found, they become the foundations of who we are from that point on. They become the pillars of strength, patience, hope, and faith...and whether we choose to or not, they bless us with their presence to let our own shine brighter. So be careful with what you say or do, because the person right next to you just might let their light shine on you.

***THANK YOU to [whom.] it may concern

Poetry session

Tryna explain myself and what I feel sometimes come with some sort of difficulty, like right now...and it's not like I'm really trippen either, I just wish it was easier to put a finger on some emotions. I was thinking about writing something, but then again, I don't even know how I would start it off or what exactly I would write, so I just watched some videos...still doesn't explain what I'm feeling exactly though. I just like these :)

It's an ongoing cycle so maybe next time I'm feeling a certain way,  

instead of writing a completely new blog entry, I should just 

refer people "to see entry # so-so, date so-so"

P.S. That last one hits hard...speechless

Wtf!

is up with my dreams these days? Man, this musta been the 2nd or third dream of me dating a white guy...uhhh, hello...wtf? First one, I was supposedly dating a black guy but he turned white at the end of the dream. Then a few months later- last night- I was dating a white guy again who all of a sudden turned into Wolverine's older brother in the X-Men movie, who just so happened to have a fetish of using my brand new pillows to choke and kill off bitches as well as fucking strippers and keeping they panties! WHAT. THEE. FUCK! But in that dream, I was realizing that I was in love with someone else who was black (but I wasn't in love with him cuz he's black FYI) so I start crying in the dream cuz he was going psycho then I woke up scared as shit. Maybe I had that dream cuz I went to sleep lowball anxious, feeling like someone was upset with me, and I don't like going to bed with unresolved anything. Whewwww thank jaysus it was only a dream.

Anywhoo, I'm pretty much done packing all my shit to move into my new apartment on campus which I will be sharing with Elize. Started off doing 4 hours of laundry then got my stuff ready, and I'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon. Looking forward to it, but I'm kinda sad to leave home. Ahppp well, at least my house is only a freeway (20 miles) away :)

***TOODLES chula vista

Woo-sah!!

YESSSSS inFUCKNdeed! I finally solved that piece of shit hold on my account, meaning I will be moving in this Saturday! Mmmhmmm, Mary be prepared to pay me a visit :)

Aww man I'm smelling some food cooking up in my kitchen since my mother is not work today...hmm let's not speak about that. But anywhoo, things seem well off right now, shit FINALLY! Except I noticed you can't truly have everything...you just gotta learn to set your standards and make sure you know what you WANT and NEED first, then be able to adjust and compromise to the situations at hand. 

One other thing that keeps me up at night though...but I have a great feeling I'll be straight *crosses fingers* Some people distract me from thinking about it too much, which is good, except the distraction gets quite annoying at times. Funny to me most of the time, but really, how many times can you force something on me and how many times do I have to keep saying NO for it to stop being an issue? There were some times, I gotta admit when I thought I was agreeing with it BUT hell nahhh, I know what I want and it's not that! What I want knows I want [it] and knows I do the best I can. Once I have my heart set on something, it stays there...unless otherwise provoked.

Do everything with passion and that crazy lil thang called love. Shit makes you go crazy at times, but hey, I'd rather be crazy than bland, feel me?! MWAHAHAHA! Ummm yeah so I'm supposed to be going to Phil's BBQ today to finally get a taste of their infamously scrumptious ribs and chicken and BBQ beans, but I have no idea what time this mofo will get me to treat me sheeesh, always late so I'm sittin here in a bathing suit, to try and get a last tan in before I go back to school. Spumoni ice cream is back! YUMMMM :)

***MUSICAL...happiness is contagious :)

Caused by a Dream

I woke up extremely late today and I found myself with a start and an end to a poem already. Sounds a bit silly, but I jumped outta bed and wrote it out so it goes:

I only ask that you stay with me ‘til all the leaves of autumn fall.

No I don’t want you to weep,

nor do i want you to stall.

I want you to flow like the waters of the river deep

and flourish like the cub to turn into a king.

I want you to beam like the summer’s ray

and bloom like the flowers of spring,

for me to smile upon when i look down in May.

And if you ever stumble,

don’t you ever fear,

for your prayers so humble

and wishes backed with tear

you don’t have to keep nor hide.

Because like before, I’m only one call away.

Just whisper my name in the wind,

and I’ll bring your sunshine today.

I’ll keep the clouds away even in my end.

I said

I didn't wanna cry, but tears somehow always seem to find their way to release themselves. I feel more like a weenie everyday...it's getting ridiculous but it's almost 3 am and I still can't sleep :/ I can't help but think about what I'm just gonna to do if it doesn't work out. I really hope it does.

........(to be continued)

It's A Hard Knock Life

As a lot of citizens look back at the happenings of 9/11 or look forward to getting a copy of Jay-Z's new BluePrint 3, I got a lot of things in my mind as well. I'm doing better than, still a lil sick with a headache and a minor cough. But even more so, I'm tired of this hold they keep putting on me.

I went onto my school's website to try and check up on my classes but I was shocked to see that I got a hold on my account. Now, mind you, I was definitely not emailed about this or in anyway notified. I had to find out for myself and if I hadn't tried to checked my classes, I prolly still wouldn't know. This hold started Sept. 1st and it's been more than a week since then. In addition, I got a week left til all fees are supposed to be paid off so my classes won't be dropped but this hold is gonna keep me from even being able to pay those fees even though I got the money for it!

First the issue was financial aid. They put a hold on my financial aid too worth almost as much as an entire school year's tuition with room and board. That stressed me the fuck out, but my parents found a way to get the money out of their own pockets just so I can re-enroll and attend school this coming school year. Now, this comes!

It's like as soon as we fix something or find a solution for something, another problem comes along, hindering me from doing what I want, no what I NEED to do. There are so many people out there who don't even wanna be in school, who would rather be couch potatoes or party animals. But those people have no problems getting and staying in school. But here I am, fighting and wanting to be educated, yet it seems as if all these obstacles keep appearing to prevent me from doing so.

My dad tells me not to worry and that we'll find a way to fix it, to solve it. And I appreciate him trying to calm me down and act so collected so I don't stress myself out anymore. That's the thing though. Why do we always have to compromise and struggle with SOMETHING? My parents have worked so hard and CONTINUE to work beyond themselves to provide for us and help us get to where we can be successful but something always hinders it and I'm tired of seeing their hardwork not pay off the way it's supposed to. I'm tired of seeing them defenseless and disappointed and not be able to do one thing to help them.

I wish we were in a different generation, one that didn't put this much obstacle in our lives. But then again, if we were in that world, we wouldn't be as strong together as we are now. But a girl can wish....

P.S. Man, I feel so stressed, so helpless, so angry, yet I can NOT do anything about it. I'm just now imagining and thinking, "What's next?" And through this all, I feel like I have no one to turn to so God, please give me the strength and guidance so that I may be able to carry on.

I wanna cry but my heart won't let my tears fall down even though it's feeling like it is taking all of my being not to collapse.

(Breathe baby girl, BREATHE. We'll get through this. Just stay strong and have faith.)

Fickle-mindedness

It has come to my attention, but I swear I think I'm bipolar. Real talk. Especially after reading these past blogs I just wrote. SMH. Ahp well, don't judge me cuz you aint know me!

THANKS :)

Rudimentary

I LOVE YOU

for reasons that I, myself, cannot explain.

I LOVE YOU

and this, I know, because every love song or poem reminds me of you

I LOVE YOU

because even when I’m mad or sad, I thank God if it’s because of you.

I LOVE YOU

when you make me smile and laugh

I LOVE YOU

when you make me cry and make me feel like I am only half

the person that I once was when you’re not there

I LOVE YOU

for things that others, and sometimes, even I would hate you for

I LOVE YOU 

because you were the first to make me feel this way:

joy, anger, depression, and solitude all mixed into a melting pot of my love for you

I LOVE YOU

because my heart sinks to the lowest of the ocean floors every time I hear the low in your voice

I LOVE YOU

because my heart cries tears of joy when your smile brightens the day already lit by the nearness of you

I LOVE YOU

for reasons still undisclosed for conversation

I LOVE YOU 

because even when I try to put words to this overwhelming feeling, no word is ever strong enough, no phrase is ever powerful enough, no sentence is ever good enough, and no proclamation is ever bold enough to express just what you truly bring.

I LOVE YOU

and pardon me if I can’t answer why

I LOVE YOU

just because.

After Thought

The anticipation is there. Always extra emotions, when he's not there I wish he was but when he is there, I feel like I'm not happy completely. Always the anticipation is better, almost like thinking about it is better than it actually happening. Wtf that means? I sure don't know so I'm the wrong person to ask even if it's my own personal question about myself. It's always better when I think it up in my head but when it's actually served, I'm just like "I could fcken care less" 

Mixed up emotions, I guess you can say but nah to be honest, it seems all too clear. It's just for the sex and yeah the exterior sure looks good but the emotion...well I guess THAT isn't even there for me anymore either. I just felt like a robot performing cuz that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do, not what I WANT to do. Expectations are too high? Hmm, maybe but like I said, I never settle for less...so I think ima have to rethink this whole 'heart' thing and go with the 'brain' thing. Yeap, that sounds about right...for now.

It's just odd to have those feelings you think are right so you continue to fight cuz you feel like you're going the right way, but have different vibes and other factors that tell you otherwise.

P.S. LOVE is patient LOVE is kind LOVE DOES NOT insist on its own way. LOVE bears all thing Believes all things Hopes all things. Endures all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8