Cooking white rice

on the stove is something new to me because being a Filipina, I've grown accustomed to washing the rice then using the rice cooker and waiting for the red light to turn orange to let me know that it's ready for me to eat! So anyways, I figured I'd blog while I cook my super late lunch [first meal of the day] 

As I've mentioned before, I've been following this latest blog and I "tuned in" an hour ago and found that older posts from a different blog were there for me to open, so I did, and just as I commented on one of them, silly me read all ten or so of them. Well worth it because I found that men and women are not from different planets. those entries inspired me once again to write my own entry and have my own interpretation, female version [LOL] so here goes a combination of all those things in one monumental blog...[lmao by that title you woulda never guessed it woulda been about all this...]

I was so moved by the entries that spoke about love and relationships, and what good things women bring to the table, despite all the negativity brought by "hoes and triflin' ass b*tches" and I realized that I, myself have been so accustomed to not feeling that type of love that I had to get step out my "comfort zone" when it comes to it. So lemme start off with this:

See, here’s the thing about me…

A hopeless romantic who dreams of being surrounded by beauty,

Beauty that causes happiness-

Not the kind that is superficial,

But the kind that runs deep

That it causes you to stop, stare, and catch your breath.

Looking for that certain one

Who’s willing to catch, hit, and fall with me,

And not just watch as I’m about to crash and burn.

Just an ordinary man

With an extraordinary mind,

Filled with wisdom and thoughtfulness

Contagious enough to cause mine to think.

Just an ordinary man

With an extraordinary heart

Filled with friendship and understanding

Capable enough to cause mine to love.

Just a simple man

With intricate ambitions-

Wishing, hoping, and praying

For someone to share and spread it with.

Someone like a flower

Looking to beautify our world

With vivid colors that is his perspective

And positive points of view.

Here’s the thing about me…

What you see is what you get;

Nothing less, nothing more.

I don’t understand it myself

But I enjoy putting others before me.

Call me crazy,

But I believe that generosity to others

Leads to inner peace for myself.

Positivity is key to my life,

And I do believe when they say

That sharing is caring,

Just not when it comes to who I love.

To give him my all is what I cherish.

A hopeless romantic who awaits

That certain someone to give her love,

Her life, and her all to.

Independence is my world,

Please don’t get me wrong.

One of the three most important

Aspects: trust, communication, independence.

Yes, I treasure it but am willing

To intertwine my life with his as long as

His heart beats the same words my soul speaks.

Generosity in most things,

But not when it comes to this.

I pray for a certain one who’d

Understand this triangle.

TRUST! I’m not the type who’s 

Jealous or one who is easily angered

But please be real with me.

I have trust issues from past experiences,

And yes, I do have my guards way up,

But please try to take them down,

Not through the words coming from your mouth,

But from those that come from the inner you,

And rest assured, you will truly understand

And recognize the real me.

COMMUNICATION! I’ll admit it.

I am one to talk for hours on end

And at times, I can be clingy or

Want to talk all the times.

I know I can even annoy or irritate you for these same reasons.

I won’t apologize because it means

I’ve let my guard down for you

Because you’ve passed the first step-Trust.

Please don’t judge and give up on me because

Of my willingness to express myself,

But like I said, 

What you see is what you get.

INDEPENDENCE! Finally, we’re here.

Together. Two hearts, two minds,

Two souls that form one bond.

Yet through this comfort,

I wish for you to have your own

And for me to have mine as well.

We work as one,

But without the individuality we offer each other,

We can’t reach or be in touch with who 

We truly want to be, as one partnership.

Ah, a hopeless romantic!

One who listens to Beyonce

Wishing she can fall “Dangerously in Love”

With someone who accepts her “Flaws and All”.

One who watches couples in movies and

Parks alike, praying for her own to come and bloom.

One who swings like the little girl

Who fears nothing and has

Pure happiness in her heart,

And as she swings away her worries and sorrows,

At the same times,

She hopes and longs for someone,

That certain one,

To swing away with her,

Fearless and joyful.

One who imprints lines and patterns

On the sand with her bare feet 

Creating something,

Wishing and praying she can create something special

With someone special,

With that certain one.

One who sings along to music

That others composed through their burdens and pure joy,

Wishing, hoping, and praying

To sing along to the music an “us” creates

Through the beauty of their

Trust, communication, and independence.

One who is an ordinary girl

With extraordinary gifts to give,

Looking and praying for an ordinary boy

Who looks and prays for the 

Same gifts she has to offer,

Knowing this ordinary boy has

The same gifts to give her.

An inspiration, a blessing, a friend, an inner peace,

A truth she’s never known.

A certain someone she can trust to call her own

In a span of one year, I have had my ups and downs, and things that "were never meant to be, well baby [they] just happened" like that Knock You Down song. I realized that things come to me when I least expect them and when I'm not looking for them or forcing/pushing them upon myself. I still want and need the same things but I think I've grown to know specifically just what works and what doesn't work for me. I used to be scared of being myself completely and felt the need to comply to what everyone else seemed to be doing but that began to take a toll on me and I found it difficult to continue on doing that. I would be silent and didn't take part in conversations among groups because I thought it would be too much to showcase my real self. Then I realized that it doesn't matter if I was different cuz I had something unique to bring to the table. I realized that wanting to be different in itself seems like a form of conformity because everybody nowadays seems to wanna be "different" BUT wanting to be different and being different are completely different things.

I'm not as scared as being myself in public where people I love can witness it, as well as have strangers judge it. I said "not as scared" because there are days when I still feel insecure, like there is a tower with a panopticon, an all-seeing eye, ready to shoot me if I fail to act like everyone else, but my foundations- those who I trust to hold me down even when I'm at the peak of insecurity- never cease to amaze me with their brightness that I just choose to shine right back and match it. They love me unconditionally just as God loves me unconditionally, and that's exactly how I know that they are His angels, who took the forms of the people who continue to guide me in the right direction. They are there for me, flaws and all, and they love me without question despite of who I am.

And here it is, this is who I am. I was born July 30th, making me a Leo. Ironically enough, I sure do act like a muhfucken Leo, so hear me roaaaaar! [LOL] I like to talk, and I truly enjoy deep, stimulating, and sometimes painfully longgggg conversations (painful because they hurt so goood and they are like a double edge sword...great conversations always are to me because you dont want them to end but your body tells you to rest). I can be super stubborn at times. I get mushy and simpish even though alot of times, I act like I don't care. I always tend to fall under the extremes. I get scared to show emotion and I get shy around new people but when I do and start to get comfortable around you, oh please believe it, you'll get sick and tired of me sharing

and talking [well hopefully not!] I act mean when I like you [in certain cases, or maybe that's just to him], only to see if you're patient enough to stick around...but sometimes I dont act mean on purpose, there are just days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm very playful and sometimes, I go off tangents and let my inner little girl take over...and play ;) I loooove being around people who know just what they want and need in life and are not afraid to let it be known. Positive people, those who aren't afraid to be goofy and funny even if it means they'd look "ugly" doing it...they are the most beautiful to me. I am random as fuck! My emotions are a rollercoaster ride that is inversely proportional to my rollercoaster-like thoughts...therefore I am always at a constant extreme. I know, that makes me crazy and I love it. It makes people take a second look and have a reason to notice me because most people don't often really see someone/thing until they are attracted to or by it one way or another. I'm one of the most generous people I know, not to toot my own horn, but I adoreee making people happy and seeing them smile is good enough for me! I smoke weed, no extras. I drank. I get the Asian glow when I drink so people think I'll be faded as fuck, but little do they know, I got a high alcohol tolerance. MWAHAHAHA sneaky sneaky! I'm human, I got hormones, but I'm faithful so I don't act on them unless I'm with the one so dont get it twisted. I'm a lover, not a fighter...but I lowkey enjoy arguing with this one foo cuz I never got the opportunity to argue with anyone and be comfortable enough to know that we'll be straight despite it. Poetry and music hit the fckin spot at all times. Not quite a dancer but I love to try [LOL] I loveeeee, absolutely love to eat. I'm a heffer at times tee hee. I got the best eating buddies, well buddies PERIOD. They are so on point. I enjoy meeting new people. It never ceases to amaze me how a genuine smile and opinion can make my day.  The first time I remember crying because of pure happiness was the first time I think I fell in love [there I go simpin] i don't get mad easily, like at all...so if I get angry, you musta done something superrrrrrrrr bad. You'll know I'm real mad when I get real quiet and blank. I don't understand pessimistic people; there are far more problems in the world than your own, so smile and lighten up your load a lil. I am addicted to barbecue chips! I tend to procrastinate ALL the time...like I am now tee hee but education is essential in my life; I learn something new everyday. My parents are my number one inspiration ['nuff said] my grandmother is a fucking G, yo I swear she is. I wanna be like her when I'm her age, badd! I'm a good person even to those who screw me, no matter how badly. I'm forgetful but don't think I will forget what you did to me even after I've forgiven you. Being the eldest of three children has made me the way I am today. I am constantly scripting poetry in my head. I tend to overthink and overanalyze things, people, and situations. I'm really starting to believe I'm psychic lowkey. I have a great intuition and I tend to get these vibes and more often than not, they are accurate. I have a sailor’s mouth, I enjoy cussing for some reason. I get crazy laugh attacks, like if you catch me in a superrr fly mood and spit something funny, I’d prolly be rollin on my the ground laughing my ass off for a good ten minutes. Coffee and sugary sweets calm me down when I’m already hyperactive...it balances me. I love to sing and I like when people ask me to sing, but I get nervous cuz I don't wanna suck. I hate disappointing people. Alot of times, I think I suck at relationships, male to female ones, even though I have alot of male friends but I'm kinda realizing that those relationships I sucked at are only the bread crumbs that will lead me to the sweet gingerbread love I will have. I am these and many more...my memory is failing me with some of the other things that I am, but one thing I'm sure of, you'll prolly love me one way or another if you meet me and actually got a chance to talk to me on a more personal level because I know myself better now and I know what I have to offer. So take a stab at it, read into the book of who I am, and see for yourself.

This is the longest blog by far...If my forsaken memory wasn't failing right now, it would be MUCH longer [LOL] but nah, it's really cuz I've just started this new relationship with myself so I'm getting to know her better as we speak but despite this early point in this relationship, I'm beginning to realize that I already love her, and you just might too. She goes by Julieanne, he used to call her Nissey [Denisse] and she's a perfect replica of her mother and father. I like to call her J cuz she got so many ways about her that a simple letter fits her well cuz one letter can create so many different words, phrases, and meanings to embellish it and reflect the heart's desires and interpretations. I wish I woulda known her then, but then again, I wouldn't be able to appreciate her now if I always had her there...I had to go through what I did to get here, to this place of contentment with self. My light is still red, so until it turns orange, for the entire world to savor in,...toodles! 

-Julieanne