Raw emotions.

Why do things seem so difficult when all I'm trying to do is be better? Be better for myself. Be better for my family. Be better for those who love me. Be better for those I love.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive and stay strong but it seems like when I get through one obstacle, another one starts crashing down on me or right in front of my face.

See, I wouldn't even care as much if things were just happening to me, but it's not that. Things aren't going so well with my sister, my brother, or my parents. Things aren't going well for my friends. And things aren't going well for myself.

I just want to be happy. I just want them all to be happy. I just wanna be there for them, and carry the burdens for them, and my heart cries every single time my mind gets to drifting to the problems that surround me, and the problems that surround my family. I know it doesn't directly affect me, and I know they don't wanna pull me into their issues because I got my own, but damn, I'm still heavily affected, and what's even worse is that I can't do anything about it.

I want everything to be alright with my family. I want my sister to get along with my brother. I want my parents to understand my sister. I want my sister to not feel as if she's not an important part of the family, and I don't want her to feel like she doesn't care about my brother and my parents.

On top of that, I still have these bills to worry about. I still have to worry about how my parents are gonna be able to afford sending me and my sister off to college next year. I don't get financial aid as it is, and with both of us going to school next year, I really don't know how possible it will be.

With that said, I don't even know how much more I can take of this science bullshit they are trying to feed me in this campus. I know I want to be a doctor and I want to help myself and my family get better, as well as help others with their needs, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when I can barely pass a general chemistry class because UCSD has made it clear that it doesn't want me to succeed in that "weeder" class??!

I'm so sick and tired of always having to be the patient one. I'm so sic and tired of always having something wrong, and even the times when I try to be positive, something else pops up that ruins everything and makes it worse. I don't give a fuck what anybody else says. You have your struggles and I have mine. You could have had the same one or even face something worse but you will never experience the same damn thing I'm experiencing now because this is my life and that is yours.

I'm in love with someone who is not the one for me right now. My heart is so capable of unconditionally loving but it continues to hurt because I just want him to be happy and I know that it can't come from me. But even if it can't I still wish him well and wish him the best because he deserves to. But sometimes, I just wanna say Fuck THIS niceness of mine. It still hurts so badly. I don't think it'll ever compare to anything but I ask God for strength and I continue to pray for me, for him, and for His love to guide me.

My heart is so heavy. I just can't seem to win at all. I don't wanna be pessimistic. I don't wanna live with a sadness that bounds my spirit, but it's times like this when I feel like I can't take it anymore. I just wanna scream. I wanna cry. I wanna shout out how I feel to the people I feel them towards.

Every time I walk into a group, familiar or new, I feel like I don't belong. I feel unaccepted and I feel insecure because I feel like no one knows me. No one really knows who I am. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am either. I continue to have these ups and downs. Sometimes, I just feel like breaking down. But I'm afraid because most of the time, I feel like nobody is there to catch me. So I turn to God in tears, because my spirit begins to feel weak and my eyes begin to swell up with tears because my heart is so heavy.

I feel a burden of not knowing what's to come. I feel a sadness that lies within me because I feel like I can't do anything but hope and pray that one day, I will know.

Dear God,

If you can read this, I pray that you always stay by my side. If you can hear me, please watch over those I love, and I pray that I may be able to show them how much I love them because I try. I really try to please them and make them happy. I pray that you may guide me and steer me in the right direction because I don't know where to go. Please bless me with your strength to continue to hold on and fight because I want to love like you. And if ever a time comes when I feel lost and out f touch, may you take me in your hands and cradle me so that I can find a way.

Love,

Julieanne

I know it's only temporary, but it really is taking a toll on me. But I pray to God that it will soon pass, so that my heart can feel light again and my spirit can be renewed.