I realized why things ended up the way they did. We just cannot work. Even as "friends" we still argue, and still can't communicate very well. I say things, he only listens to what he wants to hear. He says things, and I get frustrated...etc etc etc.
Shit gets tiring. I'm upset but I can't even be mad anymore. Things happen for a reason, and now I see the reasons why they happened. I still got feelings, don't get me wrong, that cam't just go aways. But I'm not blinded by them anymore. I'm glad things are this way. I'm glad.
I kinda got to express what I needed to say. Not at the perfect time or the perfect way, but I got to do it. I guess a few weeks of processing and reflecting can do that. I apologized for every thing I did that hurt him. I needed to, to start the process of moving on.
I guess there's not much left to say. I just don't think that every conversation should end in an argument. I wanna be there for you, as your friend. I miss you. I love you, care about you, and possibly always, Will. I wish you nothing but the best.
To my mother. To my father. To my grandmother. To all the beautiful people who continue to smile and live with passion everyday...
There are those whose destiny have been painted picture perfectly in the stars. Those people are fortunate. Then there are those whose destiny are locked deep within the ocean deep, passed a mountain top covered in muddy banks of arrogance, Yet they continue to transpire and behold beauty while inspiring others to do the same. Those people are courage. "They are people who can bare anything. Their maker she said gives them the sky on their head because they are strong." I have been blessed. I have died and I have lived once again, And this I knew because angels, whose woes turned into the most harmonious melodies in unison, woke me up from my "sleep". These voices, their energies, caused my mind to thrive and strive to be heard, to be understood. These angels, God's most precious blessings descended from Heaven To heal the ailments of suffering, And even for one moment, Elate the tenderest and lonliest of hearts, Ignite the quietest and meekest of souls, And engulf the senseless, most ignorant minds with knowledge And love. To this day, I am honored to be in the presence of angels. God was, and He continues to be good to me, to us Because he left His most precious gifts To transcend the darkness that has set upon our land With light that shines, Making me, us, "strong, tall, and mighty" And forever, I am grateful.
...Here's to you. Thank you, angels, for continuing to be a foundation for me when I am weak. For whose inspiration and drive continue to motivate me when I am fed up. For whose bountiful voices continue to lift me when I am silenced and meek. For whose sacrifices have made me a better person, a better being, today, and for always.
My heart is as warm as the embers of your desire to cultivate love. You are much appreciated!
I spoke to my mother this evening, asking for money. Knowing that we just paid for spring quarter's tuition, I knew we'd be short, and it would be pushing it...but I called anyways because I knew that my purpose was for the right reasons. But the thing is, she let me know it couldn't happen. She checked my position- THE POSITION I ALREADY KNEW ALL TOO WELL.
I have no way of expressing my oppression
Except through crying.
Tears for the money I shed, that I don’t possess.
The education I continue to fight for
Trying so hard to get the grades.
Fighting with my blood and tears
Only to be mediocre and seen as regular, as average.
My mother works two jobs,
Hardly sleeping,
Hardly eating,
Hardly seeing herself
Only to continue to struggle
And choke
While the descendants of those whose faces are on the money I don’t have
Continue to bask in luxury for having the fair skin to match their ancestors
The same one who made my mother,
My father,
And my ancestors targets
Targets of oppression
With arrows of afflicted pain and suffering
Lack of money
Money runs the world
But my family…
I cannot even crawl let alone walk
Because our feet are stuck on the mud
Working on the fields only to be called “Savage”
And not enough
I’m tired of thinking of money
Sick and tired of always worrying about how we’re gonna pay the bills
And how I can pay for the education
That will get me, get us, out of this cycle.
I try to run with the big dogs
But I just get bitten
And my mind keeps running
But my body has already quit
Because nobody will ever understand why my feet continue to stay stuck
So when I do succeed, people will know why my feet stay grounded,
Because I am reminded of that mud that kept me from escalating
And the privileged people who freely express their privilege,
But for me, I don’t even have the privilege to lift my foot,
Let alone express my oppression
Without being accused of pity-search.
So don’t expect me to respect you
Because you didn’t work for what you have
When I didn’t even have the privilege to be unaware of my position
And everyday to me is another day of suppression.
WHEN WILL IT EVER STOP?
I''m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood...
Self-explanatory. It's Monday, but I still want a "Sunday Kind of Love"! I love this song, almost forgot about it though but thanks to Pandora, I was reminded :)
And my arms need someone
Someone to enfold
To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold
Love for all my life to have and to hold
Oh and I want a Sunday kind of love
Oh yea yea yea
I don't want a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Thursday, Friday or Saturday
It is when we are most vulnerable when we find the most strength. Strength that comes from within and among the truth we seek in others and in God.
For the past few weeks, I have been dealing and coping, and I find that David was right. He said that only time will tell & it takes time. Everyday is a new day. Most days, I wake up and I'm well, I'm good. Other days, I'm not so good but the things that keeps me going is knowing that I have accepted and continue to do so. I accept the days, good and bad, and I learn to deal with them. After all, I can only control my reactions and my composure, and not anyone else's.
For the time being, I can only do what is necessary for me. Briana said it best the other day when she said that we need to treat broken hearts like broken bones or broken arms. If we had a broken arm, we would take care of it and rest it until it fully heals. We wouldn't ram it into hard things and other things just to see and prove that it is strong enough. Some people don't give broken hearts the same rest it needs. People tend to "ram it into things" and do things for it to get re-injured when it has not even completely healed from the initial injury.
Right now, I am at a stage of recovery, surrounding myself with good vibras, times, and people. I am at a vulnerable place, but with that being said, I am learning things about myself that I never knew before. I am setting a better foundation for myself, and as for my heart, it is healing. Thankfully, it is only injured, not dead. So to another day, cheers!
There it goes again. A Facebook news feed to rub in my face that my theory was, is, and seems like it will always be correct.
He gets the girl, the frat, and the baby as an uncle...basically everything he wants AFTER he's talked to me. And me? I'm left with a heart that is more fragile than the last. I feel so weak right now. Not even mad anymore, just weak. Tired. Hurt.
This ALWAYS happens. People feed me lies and I believe them because I try to look at the positive side of things. Seems to work against me. Man I'm so tired. My heart is so tired.
I don't want to be affected by him anymore. I don't wanna be affected by it anymore. I feel tears coming, but they arent coming from my eyes. They're coming from my soul and my chest is heavy.
I wanna be happy for "them" but I'd be lying if I said I am right now because I'm not. I don't even know how it happened. I have so many questions to ask like "When did you start even talking to her? When did you stop caring for me?" SO MANY QUESTIONS...yet idk if I even wanna hear the answers because I'm tired of not knowing whether it's real or not.
So much to say but idk how to articulate them...except to cry, but thats not even an option right now because my tears wont even come out.
I am so fucking outraged! To the point where I dont even know wtf to do with myself. The lies...the MOTHERFUCKING lies! You lied to my fucking face! I am so enraged I feel my blood boiling heating up my entire face and I am speechless. I FUCKING HATE LIARS & I HATE BEING LIED TO!
Ughhh, too much energy wasted but you continue to anger me with your bullshit! I can't even say anything else, I'm so angry.
I was part of this very historic day because I got to perform my wonderful group, the Art Collective. Here's a snippet of our performance :)
I cannot even explain how monumental that day was. It started with a rally with thousands of people on our campus. I wasn't there in the rally at 11 am but I was on stage running through our Art Collective performance. The people started coming out to Library Walk so we had to go into Geisel to run through everything, and it was just so empowering to make some noise in that library. Then it was time for us to come back out to the stage. It was AMAZING to be surrounded by so many people of color and allies. We had to wait on the side of the stage while some speakers (faculty, staff, and students) spoke...then it was finally time to perform...to be in front of everyone, performing just gave me chills. I was in the middle of the group and the crowd and I was pretty nervous to speak but as soon as the Cajon started playing, I felt the intensity and the passion and I just delivered. As soon as I was done, I felt my fists clenched, cold and stiff. It was just so great to make those eye contacts with the crowd and to have been able to feed off their energy.
Then we went to get Shogun and just chilled before we got on the bus to go to the San Diego wide march in Downtown. The bus ride was fun, we were singing all the way there. Took a double shot of espresso. Then we were ready to rock and roll. As soon as we got out of the bus, it was as if everyone was awaiting us, because I guess our school was the last to come out. So as soon as we got there, we all started chanting "Real Pain, Real Action" and everybody surrounded us and watched us and it was just a really good feeling to have. Then we started marching from the World Beats Center all the way to the Governor's House which was about a mile and a half away. We got there and while there, we talked to a few professors and people. Then right before we left, we had a jam session with the drums, and people started singing and dancing, and it was just a good time!
Then we got back to campus in a van and we went to Professor Wayne's class for a bit, before we all headed to Roundtable on campus. He bought everybody pitchers of beer and pizzas for dayssss! Haha it was coo! I was surrounded by so many people I loved there. John took pictures of us in the phone booth in Roundtable, kinda like how they did for ANTM. LMAO. Afterwards, we decided to go to North Park in Heaven Sent Desserts for Elevated. We got pretty lost...but it was still fun cuz we had conversations based on racial tensions and sexuality. And when we got there, I got a Queen's Dream (mixture of coffee and tea) and it was sooo yummy! Then I re-met a cutie :) then back to campus we went.
ON the way back to campus, got to hear some pretty scandalous stories hahaha. Chilled in the "safe housing" in The Village for a bit before we got to chief off a brand new piece with some thirsties in the Gliderports. Crystal and I started dying, laughing at them thirstiness LMAO. Then back to my room on my queen size...sleeping alone.
