Mannnn that song has been in my head all week! I'm tired of being constantly reminded that I have no one on my life. Idk wtf it is but I've been on this sad tip lately, and not even about a particular person anymore...cuz that was the issue before. Now it's just in general that I'm sad about not having a someone.
Fuck, im not even making any sense cuz im just writing down my thoughts as I sit in my computer chair at home with these keys being even louder than they usually are cuz I'm angrily typing i guess. Well not that Im angry, cuz im not really, im just bummed. I just wanna get over this hump of not being sad but be more apathetic about not having someone cuz for some reason, being apathetic about it sounds more appealing that actually caring about it.
First of, i had this song stuck in my head earlier today..."You know its you babe whenever i get weary and ive had enough, feel like giving up. You know its you babe giving me the courage and the strength i need, please believe that its true...babe i love you"
Like wtf, I want that. I want those words to reign true. Have someone to turn to when i feel like i cant go on anymore. And dont gimme that bullshit like, oh you have your family and friends! Shit i know i do! But you have got to understand that the feeling is different with someone who isnt from those categories eases your mind.
Damn, now my sister just asked me "Why are you typing so hard?" And all I said was "I dont know" quietly...she even suggested that I use the macbook so the keys can be quieter. SIGH. Damn this has got to stop...foreal tho.
Im hungry but i feel like i cant even get myself to eat. I see my blackberry blinking cuz i have texts and bbms and its literally right next to my left hand yet i dont even wanna grab it to check it cuz i know its not anyone who can really make me feel at ease...except just talk more. Same with my FB chat (sorry Jon) that im hella replying slow.
I'm back. I had to pause for a minute so I can switch to the Macbook so the keys are as loud...but i feel like even these keys are louder with my fingers running across the board. Oh well, at least it doesnt sound like a thunder is unleashing outside, but maybe thats how i feel inside. Quiet on the outside but my insides are screaming to get out...but somehow i dont know how to.
Thats always the question with me. "HOW?" I always know there's something, an issue, something....but i just dont always know what to do about it. Weird, i assume but thats just me. Now i hope that whoever reads this piece doesnt think im this cynical bitch or whatever negative adjective or phrase thats left, cuz im really not. I just find that it helps me to write since i cant always speak my mind...and i find that more people listen to my writings instead of my voice, as ironic as that sounds, its true.
I find that when i have to address something important, im never heard or understood the way i wish i was. But when i write, i at least get the attention, or in some cases, the confrontation that leads to the the first step of them acknowledging my presence. Other than that, I just feel like im invisible, not cared for, ignored, and whatever other synonyms match that definition and that emotion.
Sometimes i just need someone to talk to so i can drown my emotions and forget about my thoughts if only for a minute. I know thats unhealthy cuz i need to address my problems to the people who need to hear them but i choose not to anymore. I tried before and i got tired of not being heard, cuz its like i try to address it and when i barely scratch the surface i get a sigh or a look or if im lucky i get a "i dont wanna talk about it" response.
So there I am left with my thoughts boiling inside me, with no where to go...and it just continues to boil and heat up until the moment when i just boil over...that moment hasnt came yet. I wish it would come already so i can just get it over with and just transfer my emotion, transfer this feeling to those who deserve it.
I dont think i deserve this feeling. I dont think i deserve to be sad all the time, to overthink all the time and to constantly worry all the time. I dont think i deserve to keep myself busy just so i can cover up myself all the time. I want to feel better and be genuinely happy all around...to the point where you can smile just with the smile laid across my eyes. I wanna feel high like i do when i hear the most beautifully done music. I wanna smile like i do when i see babies and laugh when i hear my father spit a random joke. I wanna feel safe like i do when my mother touches my hair and hugs me and tells me she loves me.
I want to live and be for real....
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