"It happened fast. We grew apart. We argued daily."
"And you didn't wanna fix it? I never wanted us to grow apart..."
It hurts the most to know that I was there to fight for someone who wasn't even there anymore. I was always there, fighting. You didn't know how to express yourself and neither did I but I wanted to work things out. I wasn't ready to give it up. And I guess me writing this shows that I'm still not ready to give it up. Why am I even still fighting for this? For you? It's like I think that me talking to you or crying over you is gonna change your mind when you've already made it up. I understand that you didn't know how to express yourself and neither did I, but I reassured you that I was there for you and you can tell me anything, so why didn't you. I need to stop lying to myself and forcing myself and everyone else around me to believe that I'm okay when really, I'm not because I am still deeply affected by it.
This shit was all I knew, you and me only. I did it all for you, still you were lonely. We coulda worked it out, but I guess things change...
You know I'd fight for you but how can I fight someone who isn't even there? I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you I don't care if that's not fair...
So I never really got to post anything about me acting for the Pilipin@ Cultural Celebration we all worked so hard for. It was the weekend of April 16 and 17...basically my acting debut in UC San Diego :) Take a look at some pictures...
The last few, yeah...my mom and sister decided to take a photoshoot of me sleeping because I was soooo tired that Saturday. Literally had 7 hour rehearsals everyday that week, so after the last show and dinner, I knocked out.
Here's a Filipino poet, SuperB. Love this poem....thanks Jon :) Lowkey reminds me of Rudy Francisco, with the count...both of the poems talk about "exes"
Check these two out!
These were just what I needed to hear...to keep me sane and express my emotions through male perspectives and mouths.
She graced my presence with her yellow ribbons in the air
Yellow, like the sun shining brightly as she
Glides the comb and runs her fingers through my hair, as we sit on the doorstep of our home.
Her scent embraces every curve of my innocence
And her voice,
Her voice captivates every skip of my beating heart
Because yellow...
As in her bright yellow Giordanno shirt with a blue collar was one of my first few memories of her.
"Ma," I say
"Can you braid my hair in lil twisties today please?"
She'd chuckle a bit and in response she'd say, "Of course, Anak,"
With a smile that hid every heartache,
Every heart break
And every pain that she ever experienced.
I didn't know it then,
But that moment...
With the warm April breeze of the Philippine "spring",
A glass bottle of Coca Cola perspiring on the corner,
And the tender and loving caress of my mother's working hands,
I was made into a cadence.
A never ending song of blissful gratefulness
That to this day
Brings me tears because I was never aware of the sacrifice she had to go thru to even share that one lil bit of memory that forever holds a place in me.
She doesn't know it, like I didn't know it then,
But she, as my mother,
Has brought me so much joy and pride
Because just like the yellow ribbons she used to put on my hair,
She is the yellow ribbon of my existence.
The symbol of my happiness.
The solace of my love.
She is the best present I have and will ever receive.
Yellow like our skin tone,
She makes up who I am with everything she has shown.
Her strength is refelected in the structure of my face
The framework of my body,
And the intensity of my emotions.
Sometimes I wish I was a kid again,
Just so I can be as close to her, if not more, again.
Every embrace and every touch,
Love, she brings so much.
But now that I've grown older
I've come to realize her worth
She is the most valuable gift to this Earth.
She continues to walk my world with wisdom
As she sacrifices so I can keep my freedom
Because she's the closest to heaven I've ever encountered.
The most powerful woman I've known,
Filipina,
She will forever be in my heart.
Laging nandito, kahit kailan, kailanman, totoo at talaga.
Should I give up orrrr should I jusssst keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? Would it be a waste even if I knew my place....
Mannnn that song has been in my head all week! I'm tired of being constantly reminded that I have no one on my life. Idk wtf it is but I've been on this sad tip lately, and not even about a particular person anymore...cuz that was the issue before. Now it's just in general that I'm sad about not having a someone.
Fuck, im not even making any sense cuz im just writing down my thoughts as I sit in my computer chair at home with these keys being even louder than they usually are cuz I'm angrily typing i guess. Well not that Im angry, cuz im not really, im just bummed. I just wanna get over this hump of not being sad but be more apathetic about not having someone cuz for some reason, being apathetic about it sounds more appealing that actually caring about it.
First of, i had this song stuck in my head earlier today..."You know its you babe whenever i get weary and ive had enough, feel like giving up. You know its you babe giving me the courage and the strength i need, please believe that its true...babe i love you"
Like wtf, I want that. I want those words to reign true. Have someone to turn to when i feel like i cant go on anymore. And dont gimme that bullshit like, oh you have your family and friends! Shit i know i do! But you have got to understand that the feeling is different with someone who isnt from those categories eases your mind.
Damn, now my sister just asked me "Why are you typing so hard?" And all I said was "I dont know" quietly...she even suggested that I use the macbook so the keys can be quieter. SIGH. Damn this has got to stop...foreal tho.
Im hungry but i feel like i cant even get myself to eat. I see my blackberry blinking cuz i have texts and bbms and its literally right next to my left hand yet i dont even wanna grab it to check it cuz i know its not anyone who can really make me feel at ease...except just talk more. Same with my FB chat (sorry Jon) that im hella replying slow.
I'm back. I had to pause for a minute so I can switch to the Macbook so the keys are as loud...but i feel like even these keys are louder with my fingers running across the board. Oh well, at least it doesnt sound like a thunder is unleashing outside, but maybe thats how i feel inside. Quiet on the outside but my insides are screaming to get out...but somehow i dont know how to.
Thats always the question with me. "HOW?" I always know there's something, an issue, something....but i just dont always know what to do about it. Weird, i assume but thats just me. Now i hope that whoever reads this piece doesnt think im this cynical bitch or whatever negative adjective or phrase thats left, cuz im really not. I just find that it helps me to write since i cant always speak my mind...and i find that more people listen to my writings instead of my voice, as ironic as that sounds, its true.
I find that when i have to address something important, im never heard or understood the way i wish i was. But when i write, i at least get the attention, or in some cases, the confrontation that leads to the the first step of them acknowledging my presence. Other than that, I just feel like im invisible, not cared for, ignored, and whatever other synonyms match that definition and that emotion.
Sometimes i just need someone to talk to so i can drown my emotions and forget about my thoughts if only for a minute. I know thats unhealthy cuz i need to address my problems to the people who need to hear them but i choose not to anymore. I tried before and i got tired of not being heard, cuz its like i try to address it and when i barely scratch the surface i get a sigh or a look or if im lucky i get a "i dont wanna talk about it" response.
So there I am left with my thoughts boiling inside me, with no where to go...and it just continues to boil and heat up until the moment when i just boil over...that moment hasnt came yet. I wish it would come already so i can just get it over with and just transfer my emotion, transfer this feeling to those who deserve it.
I dont think i deserve this feeling. I dont think i deserve to be sad all the time, to overthink all the time and to constantly worry all the time. I dont think i deserve to keep myself busy just so i can cover up myself all the time. I want to feel better and be genuinely happy all around...to the point where you can smile just with the smile laid across my eyes. I wanna feel high like i do when i hear the most beautifully done music. I wanna smile like i do when i see babies and laugh when i hear my father spit a random joke. I wanna feel safe like i do when my mother touches my hair and hugs me and tells me she loves me.
This made me realize how much I really do care about you. I feel annoyed, irritated, indifferent because I didn't get to say bye and I'm sitting here almost on the verge of tears because I miss him already. Man idfk why I love this dude....
I can't stand waiting here. I just wanna go home and write, sleep, so I can not think and just forget. But even then, sometimes I can't forget. I just wanna be alone in my room, so I can just be, so I don't have to hear about everyone else and their conversations. I wanna silence my surroundings and just wake up to the calmness of my mind.
I don't think it was a good idea for me to have seen him cuz I keep thinking about it, about him, and I really REALLY want to cry but I can't because I'm surrounded by people laughing, not feeling how I'm feeling at the moment.
Now all I have left are these cookies and these fruit snacks that will forever remind me of the innerchild that I love about him. It will forever remind me of him.
I keep looking back behind me, to the rows of seats that is allocated for his school delegation, hoping to see his face in the crowd, and every time I look back, he's not there. And then I look at the grocery bag in front of me, and there he is...but all it is are just memories.
The same memories that remind me of what cannot be, because he's in love with someone who is not me.
I'm happy for you. Trust me, I really am because I just want you to be happy, and you look like you are with her but I can't help but feel this jealousy. I can't help but be envious of her because you have her heart and she has yours. She has that 'thing' that was missing. And it hurts because up to this day, I constantly worry about you and to this day, I still love you.
My heart heaves at the emotion that your stigma carries.
"Maybe I, maybe I, maybe I should've loved you so much more cause my heart don't wanna let go..."
