I am tired

I lay on my bed tired from today's events,

my feet propped up on a stack of pillows and blankets,

wishing my mind can do the same...

Be propped up on a stack of blankets that is bliss 

and a stack of pillows that is peace- of mind.

I lay on my bed, tired.

Tired of the routine that has fallen upon my days,

as if nothing will make me a better person

unless I follow the same routine of:

A. going to classes

B. interacting with a smile on my face

C. being okay with feeling like I'm the only one who feel this way at this one moment in

time.

I lay on my bed, exhausted.

My mind afflicted with such issues

and my heart inflicted with such pain...

Pain that seems to seep deeper and deeper into me

because I fail, 

No, I choose not to speak on it,

I choose not to fill in the voids, the gaps, and the holes 

that will make me whole.

I lay on my bed, thinking

of the many times I've been fed up,

Tired

of not saying what I wanted

because I didn't wanna cause the same pain that was so unconsciously thrown upon me,

stripping my innocence, 

my happiness

my strength away

that I am left with nothing,

but anger 

triggered randomly by even the littlest pangs of frustration.

Now I lay on my bed, defeated.

As if all the weight is on my body

there is no other way to be but lay,

because this burden is so heavy

that all I feel like I can do is lay and cry

but if I cry,

the tears my longing eyes will shed

will bury me under

so I choose to be silent.

I weakly choose to keep these voices in.

I retreat instead of attacking.

I choose to be the nice one,

the bigger person,

the one gets hurt.

Somehow I feel like Jesus with this pain.

They say it's easy...

Just say what you wanna say,

but sometimes, 

the things we wanna say the most

are the ones who will cause pain the most

so we choose to be silent...

I choose to be silent.

And until that one day comes when I feel as if certain people can take on my burden,

I will choose to be silent.

I will choose to be the nice one

I will lay on my bed tired,

and I will choose to be still.

...until then....