There it goes again...

Tumbling.

Twirling.

Playing.

All inside my head...

"Eating Animals"

It is so true how we have such an idealistic vision that the foods we ate, especially the carnivorous type, come from farms that naturally grown these animals for us to consume.

But in reality, as the author of this book talked about, chickens, cows, and pigs that we consume are all "farmed" indoors, in a place where they are caged.

It's not normal nor is it healthy for these animals to grow that way, and it's not healthy for us humans to consume them either. They are fed with hormones and antibiotics, and once we eat them, we consume such chemicals as well.

The author was talking about how this way of "farming" is the most expensive way of feeding mankind because it causes bigger issues than just abusing animals. It caused global warming and even swine flu. So even though it may be cheaper to buy $1 cheeseburgers, in the long run, it is really more costly as a whole.

I wanna read this book. I wanna learn more about the things I put in my body and in m children's body in the future. The book is called "Eating Animals" by Jonathan Sahfran Foer. Let's all get informed, get educated, and get healthy!

Yin and Yang

I love the tandem that my mom and dad have. They compliment each other SO well!

My dad is the quiet one and my mom is the social butterfly. She gets emotional and she tends to talk a lot and get worked up by littleand big things. He reassuress her down with his practicality and his calm and collected demeanor.

He is into the details and sees to it that everything is to the tee. She is into getting things done and sees to it that the plans are carried out. He is the brains and she is the hammer in the operation, and together, they are make beauty...and they make it look so easy and effortless.

My dad is slow to anger and rich in kindness. Some of the traits that I believe ALL men possess, yet so little often display them. My mom is patient, understanding, and compassionate. Some traits that I believe ALL women possess yet some don't deliver. The same traits that can help a man reach into his being and be that man to match that woman.

Now you see, many believe and look upon fairytales to maintain hope that THAT kind of love exists but for me, I just look to my left and to my right, and instantly feel that love in the center.

They really are like the yin and the yang. They balance each other out and compliment each other so perfectly well. I can go on and on but all I can say is that it's like a masterpiece, a work of art. B-E-A-utiful!

Sunday morning!

Before this day ends, I'd just like to post a lil sumthen to remind me on later days of just how wonderful today has been.

Woke up early to get ready for church. I attended mass with both my parents, and although it wasn't the regular sunday with my sister and my bestfriend texting me, "are u goin to mass," it still felt like a good day. I was able to relate to the priest and his Homily, to which I am ashamed to say, I've forgotten :(

Then my parents decided to eat out for lunch and we went to a Vietnamese/Chinese noodle house and I got to finally try some steak pho'...it was delicious!

Then my mom got a haircut and the lady who cut her hair paid me a compliment saying I should model (LOL). And while I was waiting for her with my dad, I looked thru the only magazine, which happened to be a bridal magazine, and found the perfect flowers for my future wedding. I won't say what but I will say that they scream me outta all the arrangements they had.

Then we went shopping at Henry's and there was a minor discrepancy when they started talking about my computer, which to this day is still broken, and it kinda irks me when they do. So my dad decides to just get it fixed and take it to the apple store.

Took it to the apple store but the genius bar said it would cost $1240 to repair the damage when originally it woulda just cost $950. She gave us the number to an affiliate which woulda cost us $300 to $400 to fix BUT we woulda had to ship the laptop ourselves all the way to Kansas so my parents finally agreed to get a new one.

So then we go to Best Buy and get a new 13 inch macbook pro, an external hard drive, and a 3 year geek squad warranty to fix ANY and EVERY damage to my new laptop. The sales person was nice enough to talk to us and give us a discount...shout out to David from the Best Buy at Otay Ranch! And they are gonna wire all my info from the old one into the new one so I got to take it home!

So we all go home with sad pockets but happy faces and peace of mind! Thank you Mommy and Daddy! Then I went out with my mom so she can get new reading glasses with ended up with a bag full of new clothes. (IDK always happens when my mom and I are out together LOL) and then we went to an Adoration Chapel to pray...and I'm so ashamed I forgot to write about it originally because lately, I've been getting closer to my faith and I can't be happier [blog post about this a lil later]

Then we came home, I made her a scrumptious salad and I ate rice. Then I starte watching Made of Honor, which my homie recommended for me to watch cuz he said it sounded like my "What If" (he knows what I'm talking about). And ironically after that movie ended, and my best friend calls me to say, "I just called to say I love you." No, not the Stevie Wonder song but he was just making sure I wasn't mad at him for not calling me for the past two days, and to make sure I knew he loves me. Yeah, I got it like that! Tee hee. And now here I am, at home, very thankful for the life I live and this Sunday morning :)

Forgotten Existence

"My love exist in an era that has been forgotten."

Love is in the air. Love is in my heart. But somehow, that air seems so out of reach
that it almost leaves me breathless and I suffocate.

It's like my love is enclosed and sealed within a vacuum, lost and unfelt, unnoticed
despite its strength.

This generation and this society has been so privileged to have advances in science,
technology, and medicine in order to better the lives of people. It has improved
immensely on the logical aspect of life. But how much better can one's life be if
one's love cannot be expressed to the point where it seems to have been placed in an
era lost in time?

It has come to a point where I had to question my own intentions, my own emotions,
and my own being whenever I speak or even think about love and what it means to
me...because its value to me seems to not be the seen in society ANY MORE.

I almost feel like I'm at a loss for words and like I can't process this phrase, "My
love exist in an era that has been forgotten," because there are so many
interpretations that my mind branches off into that I cannot come to a consensus. I
almost feel like I'm babbling and not even making sense, and like I'm speaking in
too formal of a form right now when I'm talking about love, but maybe it's my
subconscience telling me of how uncomfortable the talks about love make people
think.

My friend commented on my post about how some girls these days cannot even take a
poem seriously and don't know how to accept such a heart-felt present, which caused
him to feel turned down and what not. Unfortunately, I would have to agree with him.
We have reached a day and age where some of the most valued things are the most
taboo, where as sex can be so openly discussed in public!

Why can't we speak about love and all the wonderful things about it without getting
a stank reaction or a face that clearly wants to ask, "are you kidding me?"

Another friend of mine just told me (2:23am) that I'm "thinking too much" so I
should just "let go" so here I am letting go. Here I am letting my thoughts spill
right out of my head into this piece of technology that ironically, despite making
my life easier, makes it harder for me to express myself personally and serve as a
barrier for emotion.

Our era is so consumed by technology that we, I, forget the foundation that people
from 100 years ago lived with. Passion. That's what fueled the invention of this
device- someone's passion for electronics. And that was what fueled the people to
fight for a ban on gay marriage and interracial dating.

I'm going in all sorts of tangents and places, but the one thing that I want to
point out is how much we FORGET what is really IMPORTANT to us. We forget about the
things that make us who we are when all we are left with is the clothes on our back
and nothing else. We forget about the FOUNDATION that holds us down, that centers
us, and takes us back to OURSELVES in times of troubles.

We get so scared of loving and proclaiming that love for whoever he or she may be,
and for what? We get so engulfed by the material things that surround us, but why?

I don't even care how redundant this may seem, but this year, I haven't been feeling
the value of certain occasions like Christmas and my birthday. I didn't know what it
was that kept me from feeling the presence of such special times until I realized
that it wasn't the occasion but the people I shared it with. This holiday season, I
got the greatest gift of all, thanks to my prayers. I was able to truly see the
significance of the people around me who love and support me unconditionally. I was
able to feel their care. I was blessed with feeling liberated and not being scared
anymore to say how and what I felt, and that made me feel the true spirit of the
season.

My love exist in an era that has been forgotten. Yes, it sure does but it exists in
my heart and in the hearts of those receiving and worthy of that love. It may have
been forgotten by the rest of the world, but to me, it will always remain alive,
reminding those I cherish the most just how much they mean to me. And maybe, just
maybe, that reminder will spread to every face and every heart, one soul at a time.

12/27/09
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Can't sleep

i'm feeling this song. words and all...more like the emotion.

Purpose

I believe that I was brought into this world to make people believe that true goodness is out there, and that it is present.

I was speaking to my mom and sister and they enlightened me with the fact that I am
rare because I am so filled with truth. I cry for people and things that don't
necessarily value me because I sincerely value them. I smile and laugh with those
around me because my heart is gladdened by their glow and their spirits. I am
inspired by the hardworking nature of my parents, and that in itself inspires me to
do and be better for those around me.

I sympathize with people as if they were my own issues, which sometimes isn't such a
good thing because I get hurt, but I don't mind the pain because pain is temporary,
love is everlasting. I truly believe that everyone is capable of spreading
benevolence and that everyone has goodness inside them.

I am generous to those around me because I love to see them happy. It genuinely
makes my day to see that I was able to serve them, even that little bit. I am
grateful for the little things that I continue to speak about because I'm big on
them. I have such a soft heart that I cry for those who weep because of tragedy, one
way or another.

I feel like I was born into this world to meet with people and help them feel that
love and inspiration is present. I wanna inspire people to live, be optimistic, and
love. I wanna be a bright spot in someone's life with one smile or one advice. I
wanna inspire people to fall in love with love again, and I wanna inspire them just
as much as they, and things around, do me.

I want people to feel that warm feeling we all get around Christmas time. That
feeling we get when we know someone loves us dearly and unconditionally. That
feeling we get when we meet someone who came up from the struggles and share it with
them. That feeling we get when we ace a test we studied our butts off. That feeling
we get when we are completely happy and content. That feeling we forget and
sometimes ignore. I want that feeling to be revived and live on, so that when things
aren't going so well, we can go back to our core. To our foundation. To and within
ourselves, and find that genuine joy once again and pull us back.


I've always believed that we were brought into this world with a purpose. I believe I've found mine.

Words

I don't believe in words anymore. I believe in tone. I believe in expressions. I believe in reactions. I believe in actions. Words are only as strong as the power we give them.

Words don't make us feel the way we do. They don't make us the think
the way we do. It's the meanings behind those words that make them significant. It's
the reasoning behind those words that make us value them.

If you listen to someone speak, and I mean really LISTEN, you understand them by
their emotion, the passion, they hold to support the things that are coming out of
them. That's how you know when they're being sincere or sarcastic- how you can
differ a joke from a sentiment.

Come to think of it, two people can understand each other without speaking the same
language because of the WAY they speak. One who speaks French can understand and
feel love from another who speaks Portuguese because of the WAY they express it.

Someone can tell me they love me and not mean it and I'd know. Vice versa, someone
can tell me "I hate you" but know they meant differently. Someone can write me
something and mean the letter completely differently from how I've interpreted it
BECAUSE words can only do so much to communicate.

In the end, it's only words. Words without expression and passion, whether bad or
good, is like living with no food- it's the essence of life, the essence of
communication. Nope, I don't believe in words anymore. Words are only as
strong as the power we give them.

Infidelity

They say they love someone. They say they care about someone...

But when they start getting in arguments and fights, one or the other will turn to a
'friend' and as it happened in The Game, that one ends up sleeping with that
so-called friend because they fought and wanted comfort since the other is away.

Then that same person realizes just how much they really love the other, how much
they really care about the other.

The one who got betrayed gets angry after finding out. They fight some more. Then
that person feels stupid for misunderstanding what happened, without really knowing
what happened.

Sounds like an outtawack cycle to me.

Just that someone.

Someone who's not on that bullshit, who's ready to be serious. Just have
something simple n by that I mean sumone who at the end of the day, even if we fight
or argue or despite any intricacies or complications, we can just fall in each
other's arms and laugh at how silly the argument was cuz we just have that deep of a
connection. Someone who I won't mind putting up with despite his moodswings and what
not cuz he'll do the same for me.

Someone who is so compatible with me that whether we're by ourselves or even if we
are across the room from each other with tons of ppl around, we'd still be able to
understand each other just thru eye contact and nonverbal communication and
compatible enough wit me that I can tease him enuff for him to be upset cuz he looks
sexy when he's mad but I'd know what to do to fix it and make it up.

Someone who I can be goofy and playful with. Someone who I can just randomly hit up
throughout the day and vice versa just to get a smile. Someone I could fall in love
with everyday with the little things he does and someone who can fall in love with
me for the little things that I'd do for him. Someone who will appreciate me and
vice versa. Someone I can cook with and just chill with on a random day and just
be....that kinda stuff.

Who doesn't want that?

Finally realized

I hate when I ask people what's wrong cuz either its obvious there's something wrong
OR cuz they tell me they're sad, pissed, or bothered....then when I ask why, they
say nothing. That bothers me so much cuz I'm lowkey nosey. But not even that, I'm
just a sympathetic person and I always wanna try and help. But not everyone deals
with issues the same way. Not everyone like sympathy or compassion and some like to
deal with things by themselves. I gotta learn to compromise. It doesn't mean they
don't need me, it just means they don't need me at that moment in time.

Brother Dearest

I asked my brother if I am a bad example to him and he said yes. I asked if he was
being serious and he said yes. That really hurt, especially from my younger brother.
I asked him if I was a bad sister and he said, "No, you just do bad things."

This conversation made me realize that my brother isn't so little anymore. He's 15
but he's got a good mature head on his shoulders. I'm glad I can get straight up
answers from him. His girlfriend is really lucky to have him.

I'm really lucky to have him. I always wanted an older brother to guide me but I
feel he can do that even if I'm older than he is. He makes me wanna do better and be
better. I don't wanna hear him say I've disappointed him for the choices I've made
or bad things I've done. I wanna be a better role model. Reality check: I NEED to be
better. Someone better he can look up to.

Happy _____ Day!

December 20th. A day to celebrate two of my most beloved people. Technically three, but my parents count as one unit, and my roomie/homie Elize is another.

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY to my homie Elize!

It was her birthday on that same day also. I know I've only known her for a year and some change but I cannot be more thankful to have a friend like her in a place that is so full of strangers and confusion. I know I can be a lot to handle as a friend because I break down and I mess up a lot, and she can get a little impatient, but I'm glad to have her there because she puts up with my clumsy ass, sometimes stupid ass, and mostly moody ass behaviors and decisions.

I know she's a bit younger than I am but it doesn't change the fact that she has taught me some of the most helpful life lessons and given me some of the most useful advice, even when I'm being a stubborn hard-head. I am very grateful for you and I am truly sorry, I apologize for the times that you've had to act like my mom to straighten me out and for the times that I've put you in tense situations. Happy birthday again. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and I truly am sorry that I missed out on celebrating it with you. I love you honey!

HAPPY 21st ANNIVERSARY to the most wonderful people I know.

It was ALSO my parents' 21st anniversary. They have been together, however, for 31 years- 10 years of being boyfriend & girlfriend and 21 years of being married happily. I tell people this story and they are just as amazed as I am to hear about a couple who is still together after that long, especially in this generation and society, where every couple seems to break up after just a couple years of marriage.

I feel like they do have that kind of love you only read about in fairy tales. You know, the kind of love that separates them for a while because of certain circumstances, but somehow, they find a way back to each other kinda thing. The kind of love that caused both of them to have their first and last relationship with each other. The kind of love that gives off hope and strength. The kind of love that is understanding, balanced, and patient. The kind of love that you feel even if you didn't know they were together; you don't have to know for you to feel it when you're around them.

They met when they were both 17 years old. Ironically, they are two days apart from each other, and ever since they met, they've pretty much stuck with each other. They were on and off for little bits of time but they were together in general. The only circumstance that took them apart was when my dad had to move to Saudi Arabia nine days after they got married because of his employment as an engineer. I remember my mom telling me the story and how her world seemed like it was crashing down on her and her heart felt like it was breaking because he was there and she was in the Philippines. But not long after that, she moved to Saudi Arabia with him and that's when I came in the picture. That's where I was conceived.

Fast forward to now, 31 beautiful years later, they are still in love, and they are still strong, together. And I truly admire their devotion and they love because it gives me hope that one day, I'll have what they have now. I thought I was gonna meet someone when I was 17 too but that didn't happen (my sister is ahead of me in that department) but I'm not trippen. Seeing them everyday, and being able to be a part of another year they are together keeps my faith that that kinda love still exists...Happy anniversary Mom & Dad. I pray that you may have another 21 more years and much more together. Thank you for everything, I love you both dearly!

Romeo & Juliet

I was watching Romeo & Juliet, the modernized version and it fueled my already
burning questions and thoughts.

Why can't we express that way any longer? Nowadays, we just send texts, BBMs,
emails, and all other technological advances to the significant others we love
or care about.

Whatever happened to sending hand-written love notes and letters. I have an old
soul, and I'm not embarrassed to say it. I enjoy poetry and serenade and simple
words as such, but we are just so surrounded by superficiality.

The passion is decreased. The essence is lessened. So a kiss is less valued. A
promise is less treasured. A vow is less cherished.

I wish things, people, were more old school in that way. Go up to a girl's
house to see her, instead of just go online and Skype her. Sing to her
instead of just go on the radio and dedicate a song to her. Write her a love
note or a poem saying how much you care and how beautiful she is instead of
just shoot her with a text saying "hey baby u so sexy".

Where is that kind of love that would make us do anything and everything for
the other, despite family feuds and despite all odds? The kind that would make
us feel dead and would literally make us dead with the lack of it? I'm not
saying I'd literally commit suicide if my love dies, but I mean the kind of
love that will make you feel weak with lack of it. The kind of love that
strengthens you, makes you glow, makes you better, makes you believe. The kind
of love that binds you, that engulfs you with every kiss, every hug, every
embrace. That kind of love that makes you say, "Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Christmas List!

OMG!!! So thanks to the homegirl Glenna [author of the blog Ma Vie D'amour] gave me this site that had them! Shout out going her way! :) Check out her blog btw...

So I've been tryna look for these rings that go on two or three fingers, and I found some on this website...along with a few other accesories [chains] I like & WANT for Christmas!

http://melodyehsani.com/#/accessories\



Daddy...I mean Santa...if you're reading, I've been really good this year! :)

Christmas at the White House

I came across the Oprah special at ten pm about the Christmas in the Obama White House. There was a portion of the interview when Oprah was conversing with both the President and the First Lady, and here's the beauty I got out of it.

"Start out with someone you trust and that you respect. He makes me mad but I
can still say 'I like you' and that's very important..."
-Michelle Obama

Oprah: How can you balance power when your husband is the most powerful
man in the world?
[The First Lady sits and smiles, while her husband answers the question]

President Obama: Have that confidence. [As he points at her] Have that strength.

Being able to always think you're right so you can speak your mind.
We butt heads alot and that has caused friction but
if you know and trust the other person enough,
you will always remember that it's not a competition, it's a collaboration.

Love, it's a beautiful thing!

Baby Steps

I was watching The Nanny earlier and one particular episode just reinforced the
idea I've had swirling around my mind:you seek out men who remind you of your
father and your relationship with him. If you chase after your father's love
and acceptance, you will always be subconsciously drawn to men who do the
same to you.

My mom told me that, ironically enough. If you don't a shaky relationship
with yourdad, you will end up with the same issues with the man that you
end up with.

Take today for example. I went with my parents to go to the Apple store in
Fashion Valley. Now mind you, my dad has never been to that mall. So he starts
driving and to my knowledge, he made it sound like he knew exactly what he was
doing. We were driving around for damn near an hour and still didn't find the
place. Guess he didn't know! Funny thing was, I told him which freeway to take
and tried to explain to him that the mall we kept seeing and going in circles
in was NOT the mall we were looking for. I shouldn't have said anything in the
first place cuz then he kept insisting that I have a wrong/bad sense of
direction. I just shut up after 5 tries.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my dad dearly. I think very highly of him and
think he's one of the best men you'll ever meet...but it's just really
difficult to get your way because he always seems to think he's right. Then
he seems to blame me for
the 'wrong' things.

I notice that's why I don't like speaking up to him cuz he gets mad. Well,
come to think of it, that's prolly why I don't speak my mind even when my
thoughts go from 0 to 100 in 1 second. See how that affects my relationship
with men? If you ask [him],and he knows who I'm talking about,
he'd tell you  that it's very difficult for me to express myself and
I don't do too well in arguments. I bottle things inside, not necessarily
holding a grudge, but because
I think it'll be okay not to address the issue, but in the end, one thing will
trigger it and I just explode. I don't blame my dad, or anything like that,
but I'm really starting to believe that it's the root of the issue.

The funny thing is, I remember being so much closer to my dad than my mom
when I was way younger.
So lately, I've been tryna find a way to mend this relationship with my dad.
I don't wanna come off angry or seem like I'm attacking him, but I really
wanna address it, because really, in the end, I'd want a man who is as great
as my father is...and by that time,
I hope this setback will be resolved. Until then, I'll be taking one
little step at a time...

This Christmas

My favorite time of the year is here once again! Everything seems to be a little brighter, and everyone seems to be a little nicer. It's This Christmas! & something in me tells me that this one just might be one of the best ones...well idk, maybe not best but memorable might be more appropriate but anywhoo... I wanted to talk about the song. It's one of my favorite Christmas songs and movies of all time. Idk, it just gives me a warm feeling and brings that genuine "Awww!" to my heart. I guess that's what they call J-O-Y.

Interestingly enough, the word starts with the same letter as my name, and I hope to bring the same sensation and evoke the same feeling to those around me on this very special season, and remain there for all the various seasons.

Anyways, every time I hear this song and watch the movie, it makes me think of the many blessings I am grateful for, and the many things I wanna do. It always makes me wanna just get cozy on the couch and watch movies with the people I cherish the most. But sometimes, it doesn't always happen because of certain reasons and what not...

But this Christmas, I pray that the simplest of my wishes will be heard and come true...because as much as there are material things I want, there are much simpler things that I pray for...and what better time than Christmas?! I just wanna bask in the sweet serenade of love and laughter that I want to surround me. But if not, it's okay, I'll understand...it'll be heard eventually when the right time comes.

So here are the two versions of the song I love. I hope you enjoy.

And for all you who will read this, I wish you all an advanced and blessed MERRY CHRISTMAS! May you be blessed with the most wonderful and beautiful kiss under that mistletoe, and may your heart be filled with as much joy and love this season has to offer.


P.S. Don't forget to count your blessings and tell the people you treasure how much you love them...and if possible, show them how much they mean to you.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS! <3

Change is Gonna Come

Some things, you, yourself cannot comprehend and understand so don't expect others to do so either. That's when you let strength and faith take action. It just takes a little more push, a little more patience, a little more willingness to take that step forward...and maybe, just maybe, you'll start to comprehend and understand.

That's where I stand at the moment. It might change, but change can be good and bad. I'm not usually good at dealing with change but  I just gotta be ready and prepare myself when/if it comes. I just gotta have faith and hope that things will change for the better.

Another lesson learned.

Do you know the worst kind of feeling there is? It's the feeling you get when someone makes you look and feel stupid against your will, when you think you're fighting for the right thing, and hey, since we're being honest here, lemme just say, I'm left with that feeling every time there is an encounter with the most important man in my life, but even those close encounters don't compare to the worst public act of stupidity stunt you pulled. Too bad I was the catcher of it all.

One major pet peeve I have is when people ignore, but this issue, well this I can't even call a pet peeve, cuz to me, pet peeves are pesky little childish things that bother people, but this instant was too great to go unnoticed and be considered childish...although if you come to think of it, it can be considered a bit that.

Anyways, lemme get to the point. I hate feeling and looking stupid. And that's exactly how I felt after last night [this morning]...after finding out that that one arrangement I was referring to was more like a friendship, and not an open relationship or anything of that sort. But see, the thing is, I had no idea it was just a friendship. I asked if it was DIRECTLY, and thing is, he got mad saying I wasn't getting him, and that I would never hear that F word come out from him...so I tried to further understand just what exactly he was tryna say. 

So then come a few weeks later, I write a blog cuz as always, I didn't wanna say anything, and once again, my blog entry became the opening port to finally discuss this stand still issue, and damn was it addressed. But at the end of it all, I was left feeling stupid. And looking back, I looked stupid thinking I was in some kinda different relationship than what really was when I clearly remember saying FROM JUMP that if anything changes, to please let know as SOON AS IT HAPPENS. Ummm, I don't know if this is a ridiculous call, BUT ima go ahead and say that you didn't just all of a sudden realize this at 3 o'clock in the morning, when you had asked me if the blog was about you.

You made me look like an asshole in front of my friends that one weekend, and real talk, I didn't feel that way then or even an hour before we had THIS particular conversation but that's how I feel NOW, looking back at it. If I woulda known where I stood then with you, it woulda been easier to handle that situation, or any other situation for that matter. If you woulda directly told me we're just friends now, I woulda handled situations differently, maybe saved me a few tears here and there, and then some.

Thing is, I shoulda known I woulda felt stupid when I didn't say exactly what it was that I shoulda said. Shit, my dad makes me feel stupid every single time I do that to him, but thing is, at least he would directly tell me how he feels right then and there instead of tryna go around saying things that imply what he really meant. And you know what, THAT is the worst part about this all. You said from jump some things you wanted me to know from the beginning and I said some things I wanted you to know from the beginning, and that was the most important thing I emphasized. Let me know when your feelings change, if where I stand with you changes, if anything changes.

Cuz maybe if you did, I wouldn't have fallen for you this much. You knew I was falling hard, so why didn't you catch and stop me from falling instead? I wouldn't be upset this much. I wouldn't have cried this much. I wouldn't be hurting this much. You said I shouldn't put so much into you. You said I shouldn't cry so much over you. You said I shouldn't be directly affected by what you do. And you said you didn't wanna hurt me. But the one thing you said you didn't wanna do, you did anyway.

Cuz it hurt to know something wasn't the same, something wasn't right from my gut, but I didn't say anything and THAT was my bad. But for you to know that something wasn't the same and not tell me, well that did it. So much for not keeping anything from each other. 

 

But hey, I guess the blame can't be all on one person, right? Man, I shoulda just listened to my instincts. I shoulda mailed you that letter I wrote when I first felt like I should move on from having feelings for you. But I didn't and I can't change that now. Man, you shoulda just told me because I'm so much stronger than this, but I feel so weak sometimes, when I'm not knowing what's going on, and I'm left confused. I shoulda just said something, but it is what it is.

Thanks for FINALLY telling me wussup. I guess I kinda knew then, but hey, I really do now. Now, I really don't even know what to say anymore. For once, my mind has slowed down, and it's kinda blank. Hmm, maybe I need some time to really just be me. NO ands, ifs, or buts. Maybe next time, I'll trust my instincts better. Better yet, maybe next time, I'll address myself when I think my dad is in the wrong, that way maybe, I'll be able to speak up when something changes...

This is in no way to bash you, but this was exactly why I wasn't letting myself admit to feelings for you before cuz I didn't wanna get in way too deep with you, but something happened and I fell anyways. I'm really just tryna organize my thoughts now since I clearly don't do that well in person. I'm just really tryna understand things and not be upset anymore. I don't wanna cry anymore. Thing is, after me, you might just come across the one you'll spend a couple to a few years with, maybe even marry, cuz real talk, that seems to happen to those who've encountered me before...I seem to have the real life "Good Luck Chuck" syndrome. 

So I wish you well, and I wish me well. Thanks for letting me realize I can let my guards down and care that much about someone, because I didn't think I would ever be able to...but for now, they're climbing back up.

Sleepless, so I blog.

i was asleep but something woke me up. im listening to gabe bondoc sing a medley, reading other blogs, on youtube, twitter, facebook, etc. basically trying to keep myself busy so i dont hit up a certain someone on aim/iChat. lame. im not even capitalizing anything, not following the proper rules of grammar but fuck it, it's my blog! 

so my stomach is lowkey growling and im hungry but im too lazy to get up. my neck lowkey hurts cuz of the way im laying down but the rest of my body is comfortable so i dont wanna move, and all of a sudden im thirsty and craving some minute maid pink lemonade! whats the difference between regular and pink lemonade anyways? i mean they taste the same to me...

im just writing evrything that  comes to mind. now gabe is singing rocking that thang and i last sang that back in feb when we was on our way to a party and i was superrrrrr fckin gone...yeah 11 shots in 40 mins dont work! aww the medley is over...time to look for a new song....BRB...kk im  back lmao...this is so random cuz my blogs usually have some type of focus but this one doesnt...well guess it does, its a way for me to avoid someone...and its lowkey working, other than the little wiffs my brain gets of [it]. lets see how long i can keep this up...

i love the way he sings chasing pavement. it always makes me wanna sing it but i cant now cuz everyone is asleep and i dont wanna  be rude so ill just sing it in my head. i miss singing! i really really do. i miss singing for people... :( i actually miss alot of things...man i feel like a part of the bing commercials just talking about the next keyword in a different context than original...i do that alot with songs. i hear a word and i just start singing a song that reminds me of that word.

im kinda getting tired of writing and i feel like im about to give into the temptation, then if i do, ima just regret it again. cuz i may never understood why....resentment just found its way in my mind...yeah ima listen to that next by jazmine sullivan. i truly love that song. i made me cry ALOT the last time i heard it like last month, on repeat. alot of songs make me cry...i like internalizing lyrics. then singing along.

i think ima just listen to this song, on repeat again...so ciao!

Outpouring.

I think I changed. I’m gonna be honest. But I think we both did. I dont know if i can handle knowing that you can technically still do someone else and even worse, i dont think i can handle knowing that one day, you’re gonna all of a sudden tell me ur leaving and i cant do anything for you to stay because technically, i dont even have the right to really care.

I changed because I want to move forward. I want a secure and stable relationship. I want you and I care about you, and in case you didnt already know, I love you. I’ve been so scared to say that, and I still am because I didn’t wanna say it and you not feel the same way about me because I know it’ll just hurt me, but what I didnt know was that it would still hurt keeping it inside and just agree to this arrangement we have. Yup, that’s exactly what it is. We don’t have a relationship, we have an arrangement. An understanding. 

But you’re not here to rescue me anymore. You don’t want the same thing as me anymore. You’re not ready for something I want, and you can’t provide that for me right now...and maybe at all, and that’s the saddest part- I just don’t know if it is worth me even staying and holding on to you until now.

You’ve given me so many signs that say I should leave. You literally told me to leave and just be “platonic” because it would be best for me...and to me, that sounds like it would be best for you too if we were just “platonic”. But stupid me, I couldn’t admit it to myself that I can’t get you to stick to just me. I can’t and will never be able to influence your decisions, just like you’ve influenced mine. I used to be okay with that but I think I’ve changed. I don’t wanna have to schedule appointments with you, or try and catch you every time you’re not busy, just so I can see your face, or talk to you for even a bit. I  don’t wanna be the only one to hit you up because I actually try and find time for you despite my tiring, busy, and frustrating day.  

I changed. I don’t wanna cry about how much I care about you and how much I wish to pour that affection to you, but you won’t let me. I get so confused because I always try to deny things, making me think that I’m just being extra or I’m just trippen. But, no I’m not. I don’t wanna have to guess whether tomorrow will be a good or bad day between you and I, after today had been all smiles. I don’t wanna have to ask myself whether or not I should say that because it will ultimately upset him and we’ll just end up in another argument.

I’ve been patient and agreeing to your requests and things because they were the only ways I was able to be in touch with you, whenever you needed something, or the issue had something to do with you...but I’ve been patient and quiet about it all because I know how hurt you’ve been and I wanna show you that I won’t hurt you and will do anything for you, but that’s selfish of me- selfish to my own self.

You have caused me so much stress and tears, because I put it upon myself to think about you constantly and miss you and hold on to you, but I miss the old me. I miss the glowing and GENUINELY smiling Julieanne, back when my smiles looked and FELT real, from the inside too and not just the outside. I don’t wanna say I regret meeting you, but I was much better before I admitted to having feelings for you. I just wanna know how and when did it get to this?! When did we switch roles and when did the power spill all over your side of the pendulum? I never thought I would be that girl I used to make fun of and promised myself not to be...but like i said, I've changed.

I hope I'm not wrong. I hope my instincts don't fail me now.

2:09am

D.N.A

I can't talk to certain people unless I'm in the right mindset. Usually, that mindset falls under "patient" or "happy" or "hyper" or all of the above...otherwise, I would just end up upset. It's like a ball really. One day it's up, another day it bounces back down...and just like a ball, sometimes it's unpredictable. Sometimes it won't go up because the ball would be flat. Sometimes it jumps and bounces really high because it was pumped up more so it has alot more air than usual.

"Hurt people hurt people." I can't say I never heard that before because I have, but I never really knew it applied to me. They say "hurt people" don't know how to trust people because they have their guards way the hell up since they have been abused one way or another. They also say that those who care the least have the most power in any relationship. They say this is because they could really give a fuck what the other does to and for them, no matter how good. They say this leads back to being a "hurt person".

But who the fuck is "they"? Who the fuck generalized all these things about "hurt people" that they must apply? I guess, yeah, some people really do these things because they have been in pain for one reason or another. People, including myself, have gone through phases where trust wasn't even mentioned in their vocabulary because they forget how to do that. Most were emotionally hurt, some physically. And some people, as a result, just really forgot how to give a flying fuck about anyone and anything.

Personally, I don't think it should be an excuse. I've been hurt before and I used to always get in and out of "almost relationships" because I got bored and I got tired of having one person to talk to all the time and what not. IDK one reason or another, I'd find it to get away from that person BECAUSE I was hurt early on...when people are usually just starting to really get a hang of not being a kid anymore. Maybe that was the problem because I was so young and I really didn't understand how to deal with that kind of emotion. 

I was a freshman in high school then and I had a boyfriend in the beginning of a school year, but we had been talking since middle school and we had been friends since elementary school. So naively, I thought "Oh this is gonna work out because I've known him for sooo long..." WRONG! because two months after we had started going out, he did the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. He went back to his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend because she said she still loved him and he clearly still loved her! But even worse, he didn't just break up with me to run back to her, he cheated on me with her before he had the balls to break up with me over the phone when he lived across the street from me then. I cried ALOT! & I had never cried over a boy before in my life! It hurt sooooo much and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know who to talk to, so I kept everything inside. I became more quiet and less social and slowly but surely the walls started building up...and from then on, they've been up, and from then on, the relationships I've ever had went down the drain. And I never wanted to admitted it because I've forgiven and forgotten about him [he's not even in my life anymore], but that incident has been burying me ever since then. Not directly because I have no feelings for him anymore, but being in that pain that first time has made me a "hurt person" and it kinda shaped how I've been.

So it brings me back to now. I still believe that I'm a hurt person, but I know I'm better. I let my guard down last year...COMPLETELY. I wasn't looking for anything and I knew it because my new year's resolution was not to get into anything with the opposite sex...but I guess "they" were right! You tend to get something when you least expect it, when you're not even looking. It just tends to fall on your lap, or stroll right next to you, then SPARK! There it goes. Of course I was reluctant, but I let my walls down a little more every waking day, until came the day when I finally said "...that's why I like you..." and there it went. I thought it was secure; I thought I was secure and it was safe to let them down and KEEP them down.

But I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't that secure. "Hurt people hurt people." Just so happened that I let my walls down to someone who is a "hurt person" like myself. I thought it was safe because he started doing so so I was encouraged to do the same. I would even be the person to share my life lessons and positivity just so he doesn't feel bad after sharing the personal things to me. But now I feel like my walls all came down and I have nothing else to offer. Now I feel like my walls are starting to creep up, trying to reach the old summit they were used to seeing. 

The thing is though, I'm not the same hurt person I was before, and I don't wanna climb back to my security walls, to my comfort zone. I'm more patient now. I can say I've grown and matured, and admitting that incident impacted me more than I would like to think is a huge step for me to take. I wanna be more understanding towards those who are "hurt" like I was- like I am. And with that being said, that's exactly how & why I know I won't hurt anyone and everyone I love...not anyone I am in a relationship with. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to. I wanna go back to the radiant me...before this past Spring. The same girl who had lots of vibrant things to say, who brightened days with smiles and positive thoughts and words of encouragement. I don't wanna be the girl who gets upset over the little things, like I'm suffering from a mid-life crisis. I don't wanna be angry. I don't wanna be worried. I don't wanna walk around with my [broken] heart on my sleeve. 

I'm listening to Mario's newest CD [shout out to thisismycool for that] and I relate to all twelve songs. I think it's so clever how he named his album D.N.A. because DNA is what makes up who we are. This album exposes him and his feelings, and me relating to it, I feel like these words are what I am made of. Unfortunately, it emphasizes the hurt that makes me and the strong feelings of love I have in and within me, but it is overshadowed by the different pains I've gone through in my life, and somehow still goes through because I'm such an emotional wreck sometimes. I really don't wanna be characterized as that kind of person. I don't wanna leave that effect on people when they encounter me. I don't wanna wait for a "good thing" to come my way because I know that I'm a good thing, myself. I don't wanna feel "Stranded" feeling this way. I don't wanna have a "Soundtrack to my Broken Heart". I don't wanna say "I Miss My Friend" every time I start "Thinkin' About You". But for now, I am because that's become a part of who I am & what I'm made of. For now, that is my D.N.A. but maybe tomorrow, it'll be different. Maybe more smiling genes will attack these hurt ones and secrete them, until then, lemme learn how to keep things from crawling back up to their top, scared of being seen. & when that day comes, trust when I'll say "I Choose You".

Movie night

Currently watching "The Land Before Time" with my roommates instead of studying for finals. I feel like a little kid again...and that is a GREAT feeling to have- one of the BEST if I may say so myself. Then, we're gonna watch The Lion King [hopefully] :)

I wanna get all of the original and classic Disney movies...

UNLESS!

Someone else gets it for me ;)

Perfect Lullaby

[DISCLAIMER: I got the title from daymechelle at eccentricsouls.blogspot.com but it's a perfect one for what I'm about to write about so please don't get mad at me]

Have you ever had a person in your life who just seems to make things better? It's like, no matter how much distance, how much time and space apart, and how many people come between you, when the moment you come back to each other, time seems to have been in a stand still because things between you two don't change? It's like the one person who makes your day better when you're down and frustrated, and even if you've vented to other people, you still don't feel as good or normal until after you've talked to that one person?

Have you ever had a person in your life who you knew cared about you despite their lack of words to express it... but when they do articulate those feelings and turn them into a phrase, a cascade of flourishing smiles are painted on your face and in your heart, as if that phrase alone serenaded you to get to the climax of joy? The person who you just knows and wants the best for you and will do what it takes- even if not purposely but subconsciously- just to make your day better? 

The one who comforts your thoughts and your feelings so you don't have to go to bed upset with swollen eyes- basically the one who lulls you to sleep?

I've come to realize that I just might have that one person. That shoulder. That ear. That friend. My perfect lullaby. Lucky me.

<3

Thank you :)

The results are in

I finally got the results from my blood test and everything is NORMAL. Nothing is wrong with me. It was just stress. Whewww, what a relief. It's like a huge weight was lifted off my chest after worrying for three weeks. 

So why am I lowkey disappointed?

Think!

I got this as a group BBM message this morning and it made me think critically of some things.

Why is it that school books are getting more expensive but hookers are getting cheaper?

Why is it that less people are chasing their dreams and more people are chasing the box?

Why is it so easy to beat your meat regularly, but so hard to pray daily?

Why can't midgets have their own "city"?

Why do we pay $65234945? For school books, but pornos are $3.99 at the corner store?

Why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?

99.8% of people will agree to this but only .9865% will forward it

Are you denying God? Forward this to everyone on your BB list (except me) or your penis will fall off and for women.. Idk but it's goin to be bad...this is your warning.

So this is me "FORWARDING" this information to yall. Excuse the last inappropriate line, but you get the point. If we don't do anything about it, something bad will happen...and we all know it. This is just another aspect of "World War III".

Self-explanatory.

"ima b honest i love you.."

-Put a smile on my face and made it all go away-

Thanks for making it better, always.

<3

-J

Gabe Bondoc

I think he's so cute. I don't know what it is but something about him is cute to me. Maybe it's the way he says 'ello. I could be wrong but he seems like a genuinely nice guy & his covers are my shit! They're all about love and positivity- the things I need to absorb. Love the acoustic guitar, love the voice. So here are some of them :) 

Would you wanna have him sing you to sleep every night? Lucky girl she is, whoever gets the pleasure of his serenade...

BASK & ENJOY!

:)