Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I woke up at 6:43 am today from a dream that I was waiting at the doctor's office patiently and quietly by myself, then suddenly, an elderly Filipino man comes in and starts talking to me. I didn't mind it at first until he asked if I would spend the rest of the day with him. That's when things got really uncomfortable for me. Then another man comes in and I feel as if both of them were watching my every move. All of a sudden, the doctor finally comes out and blurts out saying, "You owe me for this, big time" with a $1300 tab on his hand. Not only did that make me even more uncomfortable, it made me confused- in the dream and right now, as I'm recalling it.
In the same sequence of dreams, a few reels before the uncomfortable doctor visit, I found myself dreaming, as if it were reality. I was laying down the same way I did last night, then I all of a sudden wake up really early and still quite dark (like I did this morning, when I started writing this) to a series of text messages with my mind on one in particular. It was in response to a picture message I sent to someone. Then all of a sudden, the series of messages all became visible, and they all just so happened to come from the same sender. One of which made me particularly happy in the dream, and it said something to the effect of, "I wish I could have a baby now..." Then as soon as I read that, I found myself in the doctor's office.
It's crazy to think about these dreams and try to even begin to analyze what they mean, because recently, I've been getting similar ones like the first series. They all resemble each other simply because they could easily be reality: the scenery, the event, and the emotions are so similar to what really is, which is the mere action and reaction of getting a text message, a BBM, or a call. It portrays a desire, but sometimes, the fact that I cannot tell dreams from reality is the most frightening. I would really wake up in reality and check my phone to make sure whether or not it was real, and often times than not, it was but a dream.
It's just unrealistic to share and even wanna share every little detail with your partner or whoever. And I think that's where my problem lies.
It just taps into the insecurity factor that I have. What do I mean by that? Basically, I just needa be strong and confident enough to be myself and stand up for my thoughts and feelings. You know, have that swagga. Just something I have to constantly remind myself cuz that's what attracted him to me in the first place. Also, that there are others who go through the same issue, heck, possibly even him too!
I'm watching 16 and Pregnant and he starts talking about how hard it is to raise a family and have a child at any age if you don't have money, especially harder at a young age. Talking about how they didn't think and that I should be smart so it doesn't happen to me.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate ALL the wisdom and advice he passes down to me, but sometimes, I'd rather just watch TV. Not to simply watch it, but I feel like when he lectures me, it causes me to overthink and worry about my family and what we go through.
It seems like every night, I think about it because he or someone would remind me of how hard we have it going now, and I understand that, believe me I know because I think and feel it everyday. That's why I try not to think about it as much, but things like this remind me and it makes me feel weaker.
He tells me to be strong, to be wise, and to be smart and I appreciate it all, but sometimes I just wanna scream and say, "Dad, I know this already!" Because I wanna experience things for myself and because I don't agree with every aspect of his opinion.
I feel rude and bad for even writing this but that's how I feel. But I know I'm a better person for the things he tells me. I just wish that wasn't the only time we are able to talk.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Maybe that was a dream, but last night at Victor's house, everyone was drinking, singing, dancing, laughing, and just having a good time. Then the night went on, and soon I found myself sitting on the couch, surrounding by everyone still having fun, yet I felt like I was in my own little bubble, on my phone petting the dog. Even the conversation I was having through BBM seemed so distant, not only because geographically it was, but the feeling and the tone of it all seemed lackluster. Then as I was heading home with a few people, I felt the same deserted aura, and I found myself tearing up at the thought and finally, cried as soon as I laid down. Cried through the first half of my late night shower, then realized that I should just not bring up the things that cause me to feel that way...so I was fine, well kinda.
Then that resembling dream occurred.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
People disappoint and upset me and as much as it looks like I'm okay with it and am patient and forgiving, deep down I like causing them the same emotion as pay back for what they've caused me. I am a selfish person.
But I don't wanna be this way anymore. I don't wanna feel this way any longer. I spend countless nights laying in bed, awake, contemplating and trying to search for the answers as to why somtimes, I find myself not wanting to eat or sleep. But the reason is me. I am my own enemy. I am selfish. And I'm sorry to those I've hurt, mainly my parents, siblings, and that one other person I truly care about. I continue to place burdens on their shoulders as I continue to rely on them for my own happiness when I know I shouldn't. I'm sorry. I truly am.
Sometimes I wish I was numb so I don't have to be my own worst enemy. A lot of times, I defeat myself with my own thoughts that build up. Often, they sound like I overthought them, but really, are word vomit; they all just come out when I think the "right" time has come. But more times than not, it' not the right time. In fact, more often than not, my timing couldn't be at its worse.
Sometimes I wish I was numb so I can save me from myself. Hell, it'd be nice if someone else can do it for me, and save me from myself. I just don't wanna hurt anybody else. I don't wanna hurt myself anymore. I'm just so tired of this emotional pain, and the constant worrying and anxiety I feel.
Sometimes I wish I was numb, because to me, to be numb is to be normal.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Happy birthday to you,Happy birthday to you,Happy birthday, happy birthday,HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA!i loveeee her <3
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Some ppl say they can't live without sumone after they're gone. I say we can, but we can't live the same way without that certain person because- for the better or for worse- they have changed our lives. We will forever have their memories within us because sumhow, they have shaped us and the way we live our lives.
I hate feeling vulnerable and feeling like I'm being pitied. I hate feeling like I need someone to complete me and feeling like my day would only be complete if I get a call or a text from a certain person. I used to make fun of girls of did that kinda stuff cuz I thot they were weak, yet now I'm acting in the same way as the girls I used to laugh at. Someone should make fun and laugh at me. Maybe that'll help me snap out of it.
That's just what I mean by not living the same way once someone new has entered your life. You never know how and what will happen until certain people have made a definite impact in your life. I know that's the case for me, and the thing is, as much as I try to not let it change and affect me, it does. It even affects how and what I talk about because it seems as if everything I do and wanna talk about would involve certain people one way or another. I just become someone I never expected myself to be.
That first one is just like most of the things I write about: things that concern me and things I constantly think about in one shape or form. Here's another one. It's a poem. And I don't mean to post these things for people to comment on, although I wouldn't mind those, they're really for me to gather and organize my thoughts so that I don't have to share to people how vulnerable and meek I feel inside sometimes. And sometimes, I wish I could be more understood and less judged because of the way I am and the way I act sometimes.
Even the deep blue seaAint got nothin on the thoughts I keep.Not even the widest and grandest of canyons,Cuz these freestyles twirling around in my head are just too damn deep.If my thoughts were material,I swear to you they would be more powerfulThan the atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima during the war.They could cause genocide, they're that prolific and constant.My thoughts, as food?Well they can end world hunger,In Africa, Asia, anywhere if you ask me.They are that nourishing and vast.But my thoughts are often not given value,Not by him, not but you, not even by myself.Because most of the time, they just cause anxietySo I just leave em and store em up on a shelf.But I doubt there's enough shelves or even rooms in the world to store my thoughts,Especially the ones I try to forget and ignoreSince I don't want to add to the already growing hatred and abhor.I wish they would just understand.I'm not asking that they reprimandMe for constantly and wishfully thinking,But I'm asking, that maybe, just maybe,Some of my thoughts could be heard,Cuz just like the little voices waiting in SudanOr the big voices dying in North Korea,I have something to sayAnd just like them,I want peace too.Peace of the heart, body, and soul.Peace of mind.Inner peace to increase man.For him, you, and me- IWant peace for those living- and dying- today.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Such a simple, common phrase yet sometimes, I forget to even mention it to show my appreciation to my most beloved parents. It had to take a simple 'thank you' from someone I truly care about, and for me to be on the receiving end to open my eyes to the importance of the phrase and the significance of actually saying it to the person.
My parents, especially, do anything and everything for me and I rarely ever say 'thank you' even as a consolation for all their hardwork. But I was on the phone saying goodnight, asking if someone felt better, not expecting it, and then he said it. "Thank you though," was what I heard, and it just made me feel so warm and appreciated, and it just felt good. So from now on, a proper and much deserved THANK YOU will be devoted to the most selfless people I know. And for those of you, make sure you always remember to give thanks and show your appreciation to those who help you through your days. You never know, that simple common phrase may just brighten and make their day! :)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life…
And sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again…
For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person…
In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else…
Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little…
As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right…
Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, We are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger..
[read this from candiedjamz.com and she got it from some girl's myspace in '08, but i liked it]
tht shud never b a question
n theres no doubt i feel the same
but i toldddddddd u
i get worried wen u say shit like tht
cuz i feel so much pressure
like i hav a 1% chance of not hurtin u
n it kills me cuz ur my nissey baby
n i always want u around in my life
i knw u feel strong boo
but u cnt let tht get in the way of life n u livin
its good 2 hav thm
but dnt let tht hinder u
let it guide u
u wud jus gotta b strong 4 me baby
jus dnt worry abt it
enjoy where we're at
dnt take it 4 granted
dnt beat urself up over nthn
we str8t boo
u hav me in a place tht no one is rlly capable of doin
so smile muthafucka
- and that goes along with the rest of my relationships as well
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
i dnt give a fuck
maybe u cud not give a fuck wit me 2
kick it wit me
thn b thru
u effortlessly make me smile
so i take a moment
n turn back the dial
2 the ingredients of creating
guaranteed [ill.] elation
Dish: William Cavan Reid
[as he should be]
One Fitted hat-cuz u wrap around my mind and thoughts so tightly yet so comfortably and create in those thoughts the most beneficial second-guessing i have ever experienced
One Child with a smile- cuz ur playful attitude takes me back to innocent life n releases me 4rm stressful thinking
A really refreshing movie- becuz u are definitely a "character" that sum actress has to portray you in the future ur personality is so surreal
A fresh pair of sneakers-cuz jus like shoes, you hav 2 search and hav sum luck 2 hav a chance meeting wit sumthn like u thats so revered and needed
One well-made Smoothie- cuz 2 create such a delicious drink u must mix in multiple attributes jus as u are mixed not jus racially, ur mentality and personality has sternness and shyness 2 create sumthn very real
A good laugh- self-explanatory u make me laugh at my lowest points
as well as my highest
Southern California- sunny disposition, fashion sense, shit talkin,common sense, and a motivation for more
All the most bomb food in the world- my fat fat....... u come in a close second behind fruit snacks but 4real u bein a woman n bein so open abt ur appetite is so crucial/neat/ne otha gay synonyms u wanna throw in there
Mix all together
Bake for 5 months
"A smile should never be wasted, it's the most powerful human expression"
This is not meant to be some corny “I profess my affection 4 u” type poem
It is merely my thoughts on paper and the effect you have on me getting back to my normal self.
***Outlandish good looks don't stand a chance without undeniable charm, impeccable style, breathtaking personality, fresh humor, and flawless confidence to complete the package. But yeah I kinda have it THAT good (:
[i miss that muhfuckah like hella bad]