Things just don't feel the same to me. I was so sure that I was positive about something, then it turns out that things aren't always what you expect...DUH right?! But it seems like even though that's a common knowledge that everyone should know, it still always hits me harder everytime it happens. I realized that there is no middle ground with me. I'm always in two extremes...either high or low. It's weird because I pride myself in being and staying optimistic, but it's either I'm really positive and believe in it myself, or I'm just being positive so that someone else can benefit from it and not feel so bad about themselves, almost like I'm trying to heal them with my optimism even though deep down in myself, I'm lost for words. Other times, I just feel so spaced out and gone...[not literally] but i feel like I can't handle things that have been put on my plate because it's too much emotions all at once. Sadly, it always seems to involve some kind of testosterone in the issue...if not fully, then partially. I hate it because I always tell myself to be strong and to not put myself in a situation where I can get hurt but it always seems to come to me. Don't think I'm complaining, because really, I'm not...I just feel the need to speak on it because I've kept it hidden for so long now...
There's one person in particular. I tried to tell myself to not fall into it [into him] because it just doesn't make any sense...I asked a good friend who seems to always help me understand and make sense of myself better when she's gives me advice...and here's what she said:
'yeah i see where ur going, but i disagree with ur logic cuz to me...im like, why would you pass up something you clearly been lookin forward to just because ur afraid of catching feelings? yea it'd be hard to keep anything up long-distance wise but thats why u just hafta remember that this cant be taken too seriously...'I'll just have to take my partna's advice and just leave it to having fun...and maybe, just maybe...it would help if I let it be known I'm feeling this way and not be scared of being vulnerable...for a change.
***CURIOUS...for reasons more than one
P.S. Estelle's song speaks truth right about now :)