I just need this

Now is that so much to ask for?

 

That's all I want.

Better yet, that's all I need.

 

Just hug me tight

& hold me close.

With only one embrace

...I'll be just fine.

What You Do

...on repeat

I'm feeling this song so much right now. Just listen to the words and feel the beat for me, please. Oh the thoughts when you're lifted...*sighs*

P.S. by ralph marston 

  

Who cares about what u don't have? Make the most of what u do have.

I am tired

I lay on my bed tired from today's events,

my feet propped up on a stack of pillows and blankets,

wishing my mind can do the same...

Be propped up on a stack of blankets that is bliss 

and a stack of pillows that is peace- of mind.

I lay on my bed, tired.

Tired of the routine that has fallen upon my days,

as if nothing will make me a better person

unless I follow the same routine of:

A. going to classes

B. interacting with a smile on my face

C. being okay with feeling like I'm the only one who feel this way at this one moment in

time.

I lay on my bed, exhausted.

My mind afflicted with such issues

and my heart inflicted with such pain...

Pain that seems to seep deeper and deeper into me

because I fail, 

No, I choose not to speak on it,

I choose not to fill in the voids, the gaps, and the holes 

that will make me whole.

I lay on my bed, thinking

of the many times I've been fed up,

Tired

of not saying what I wanted

because I didn't wanna cause the same pain that was so unconsciously thrown upon me,

stripping my innocence, 

my happiness

my strength away

that I am left with nothing,

but anger 

triggered randomly by even the littlest pangs of frustration.

Now I lay on my bed, defeated.

As if all the weight is on my body

there is no other way to be but lay,

because this burden is so heavy

that all I feel like I can do is lay and cry

but if I cry,

the tears my longing eyes will shed

will bury me under

so I choose to be silent.

I weakly choose to keep these voices in.

I retreat instead of attacking.

I choose to be the nice one,

the bigger person,

the one gets hurt.

Somehow I feel like Jesus with this pain.

They say it's easy...

Just say what you wanna say,

but sometimes, 

the things we wanna say the most

are the ones who will cause pain the most

so we choose to be silent...

I choose to be silent.

And until that one day comes when I feel as if certain people can take on my burden,

I will choose to be silent.

I will choose to be the nice one

I will lay on my bed tired,

and I will choose to be still.

...until then....

Happy Birthday to [ill.]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

happy birthday to you!

happy birthday dear William...

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

Hope you like your presents. & have a wonderful day bubba! :)

Good afternoon!

I decided to skip both workshops today for good reason...well not really. I just missed my alarm and didn't wanna be late. Then I realized that it WAS a good idea to stay in today because it's finally Fall weather outside- cold and good for cuddling. 

I just wanted to mention how splendid yesterday was! I don't know what it was- maybe it was knowing that I put smiles on people's faces or at least about to- but it was just great! And waking up this morning, that same great feeling lingered and I thank God for that, as well as those who helped keep it there :)

I kinda had a little slip up last night though, but I think I'm back on track...no i KNOW i am! So I just really wanted to share this positivity to whoever reads it. The secret to being in a good mood and having a great day? There is none! Just make sure to smile even when you're a lil under the weather and trust that you'll feel better :)

P.S. November can't come any faster!!! Funny, "So Anxious" is playing again! I swear that song is always on point when I need it [LOL]

Sometimes

I can get a little too carried away. Like take today for example. I was only supposed to get one thing, but I left the store with more than one thing. I just get sooo many ideas in my head and it just leads to one crazy thing to another.

*SIGH* I just know my children are gonna be spoiled because with me, I like putting a smile on someone's face, but I have this thing of adding a surprise drop-your-jaw factor & trust me when I say...

I get what I want ;)

Musicality

Feeling these covers right here by Erika David. Make sure you listen to the originals though:

Chasing Pavements by Adele & Ephiphany by Chrisette Michele.

Kids...gotta love em!

I had quite a long day today. Left the apartment at around 3pm to go to MCRD to get this present for this one Scorpio. Got one of them, but not the other because it was sold out and didn't think I was gonna get it anymore. Went to the Naval Base to get some grub with my eldest cousin, his wife, and his two kiddies and catch a movie. Then went to the other Navy exchange to try and get the other present which was sold out there too! So we start leaving and cousin drove me to Walmart and finally...they had it! 

My main thing for this post? I'd forgotten how wonderful it is to be around kids. My cousin has a son who is seven years old and a daughter who is three, and they're expecting another girl in four months. It was so refreshing to be around such innocence and pure joy! It's like every time I heard them laugh, I couldn't help but smile and laugh myself! Not to mention, they are supaaa cute! It brought my inner child out and & they reminded me of the receiver of such gifts! I'm glad I got to spend the day with them! :)

 I'm real excited for this box to be shipped and opened! IDK why cuz it aint even mine. i just wish I can see the initial reaction when it's opened. Ahp well...I guess I'll never know.

Quote of the Day

"Yet caught by time, my heart has learned to glow for other's good and melt at other's woe."

-Horace

[compassion, love, sympathy]

Ponder and sleep with angels.

L-if-E

Before I start, I wanna give a shout out to Bo Derryl for inspiring this particular piece right here. Thanks Derrylllll! [lmao in my crackhead momma voice]

I'm not gonna go into detail about what happened and what story inspired this because that's not for me to discuss cuz it aint my business, but I will say that it has re-opened my eyes to the many things that people, including myself, forget about and take for granted.

I've said it many, many, many times that the little things count the most for me personally & this also applies to the decisions that I make. However, there are times when I don't even think before I act upon things. But this situation made me re-evaluate myself and my decision-making because each of our choices correspond to a specific consequence, whether it be good or bad. Everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason then and there but we will find out sooner or later. Most of those times, those consequences affect us, but there are some times when our decisions can affect and involve other people's lives as well.

Sometimes, even decisions that we think are beneficial to us may result in a negative consequence, and this may upset us but in the end, it was meant to teach us a lesson and strengthen us to be better for the next choices we make. Sometimes, the worst things happen to the greatest and nicest people. And what's crazy is when that happens, we tend to put the blame on someone, and unfortunately some blame is put on God, when in fact, it should cause us to bind stronger and closer to Him and have more faith. Because there is no solution in blaming anyone, even yourself. It doesn't solve anything, it complicates things even more.

I feel like I can go on and on about this subject, but I guess all I'm really trying to say is that we should be more compassionate, sympathetic, and wiser about our decisions because we never know what may happen. There are so many different ifs in life that we don't know and won't know about until we're in those situations. With that said, we should always remember to be thankful for the blessings and graces we receive, and that includes the people we are surrounded with. Never go a day without letting those you care about know how much you appreciate them. And whatever happens, know that it is for a reason and life is for us to live with the people who love and cherish us, carrying out the things we were meant to be individually to do better...to be better.

Did You Know

that not eating your vegetables can literally kill you? Yeap, true fact right there so to those parents who constantly force their children to eat their veggies, good for yall. & for those kids who pretend to eat them but really don't? Well damn, I guess yall should might as well pretend yall got a life to live...better yet, just prepare to die asap.

I was sitting in Chemistry again today and my professor said that radicals are dangerous and they desperately want to "attach" to something, so the first thing they see, they will try to pull and attach to. Hmm, sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. Them radicals are kinda sounding like thirsty/hoe-ish boys and girls we all know about. Hoe-ish you ask? YES hoe-ish because they "make" more radicals that can kill us! Get my drift? [LOL]

My professor also mentioned that if someone wanted to create a mortal, the best way to do so is to put things that will kill it inside it. With that said, we, the human race, are created with free radicals such as oxygen that can and WILL literally attach to our DNA and eat it alive, messing up what we are all together. WTF right?! Yeah, we need some of it to breathe, but damn you sneaky little bastard. You like a Sour Patch Kid...sour then sweet. 

So to all the oxygens and other free-murdering radicals in my body, I promise I'll eat all the vegetables and drink all the green tea and anything else with antioxidants I can think of to save myself from you. Just don't eat me alive...please & thanks!

Quote of the Day

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the Violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." 

-Mark Twain

Ponder and sleep with angels.

Wo[man] on the Moon

I was most definitely upset today, which I haven't been in quite some time. All because of this bitchassness that was occurring and still continues to do so, for reasons that are undisclosed even to me. Then to top that off, this one muthafuckah made me wanna sucker punch his ass in the face...and on top of that, I found out what I got on my Chemistry midterm. Yeah not so hot- at least not as well as I thought I did. Yeap, it was a rough day and it's not even over yet. I've got laundry to finish drying and folding and one more section and I'll be free. Luckily, I'm doing much better, some thanks to this one friend of mine [no need to mention who it is, you know who you are] and a bar of chocolate. What a woman thing to say! LOL but anywhoo, I was walking to class and my mind wandered off to this:

Kid Cudi said it best with that song, "Man on the Moon". Sometimes it's better to be alone and "enjoy your own company" especially when things aren't going very well. Why let negativity swallow you whole when you can step back, heck maybe climb up to the moon and reflect on the things that made you feel bad and not like yourself to begin with? What's wrong with being on the moon? It means you've reached new heights literally and metaphorically because you've accomplished something that most people search for their entire lives- inner peace. So enjoy the moments that you have not being completely all good. Thrive in the moments that put a frown on your face. It is thanks to those "moments" that you can enjoy the smile brought by the times when you ARE at your best. Be that wo[man] on the moon so you can be that same great woman with the sunshine on her precious face.

Doesn't Mean Anything

unless I can live my life with love and passion. Not just one or the other...not just love, because I can love but without passion, it cannot and will not last. Not just passion, because if I live without passion, there will be motivation to keep me going. This goes along with the people who are in my life as well. I don't fuck with people who don't have love & passion in their own life. So here's a song I'd like to discuss and incorporate my own ideas and thoughts into it.

I'd rather be a poor woman living on the street,

No food to eat

cause I dont want no pie if I have to cry

cause its over

When you said goodbye

I don't think any material things can outweigh having someone and people in your life who you truly care about and equally care about you as well. I really don't know how and what else to add to that line because I strongly believe that money is not important. Yeah, I mean I like having the comfort in knowing that I will eat three times a day, but at the same time, I know how it's like to have to constantly worry about money because my parents have thought me to be conscious and wise. But my dad also taught me that money is nothing if you're using it for the good of yourself and making people happy...and I thank him for that because it has taught me not to be enslaved by money and material things. I still have to worry about it now, especially since I'm in college with alot of expenses but I don't mind sacrificing little luxuries such as eating out and shopping because I'm doing it with and for people who mean the most, even more than money ever will, to me. Like Albert Einstein once said, "Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted."

I know I pushed you away

What can I do that would save our love

Take these material things

They don't mean nothing

Its you that I want

I realized today that I'm very prideful...either that or I'm just really very stubborn, or a combination of both. I think I've known that for a while, I just finally had the courage to admit it to myself. I realized that once I have my mind set on something, it's really hard for me to think of it otherwise. For example, if I feel like someone is doing me wrong caused by my over thinking mind and overworked thoughts, I'd start to act differently from what my heart would tell me and I'd go against my own instincts. And when that happens, I sometimes either push people away or force things out of them when all I want is to keep them in my life. I don't know what it is, but to me, I feel like I have to act as if I don't care to put up as a front so I don't get hurt if they do the same to me, except, it makes it worse when they don't see past the front and leave. Instead of just telling them how I felt to begin with, I cause the gap to widen and in the end, I always want to take back what I said and did, and to fix things- make it like it was before.  It messes with my head when things aren't the same even when things are the same- the same wonderful thing- just in a different form and I fail to see the beauty in that change so I ignore it and become pessimistic and moody about it. But like Maya Angelou said, "We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."

All at once

I had it all

But it doesn't mean anything

Now that you're gone

From above,

Seems I had it all

But it doesn't mean anything

Since you're gone

I love that this is the chorus of the song because it continues to repeat and it helps remind me that there are relationships that are so fragile. As I've grown up and matured from the different people I've encountered, I always try to absorb the good things they bring to the table and carry it with me to share with the next people I meet. The main thing I've learned is that letting go is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of strength. I often think that I have to hold on to something that was once good, and when things go bad, I'd wanna hold on a little longer thinking that it will be better. I also tend to always control the situation so I don't get hurt or hurt anyone else and in doing so, I end up thinking too much. However, I learned the importance of realizing the good in what is on front of me. Not only that, I also realized that it's important to see that what's in front of me is a form of goodness as long as I can see the positive side of it instead of focusing on the negative one. I should see the good in front of me, but I don't look hard enough because my thoughts overshadow it. I know it gets tough for me at times but this song lead me to grasp that there are relationships we are not able to save from breaking, but those that still stand are there for a good purpose. Their purpose is to keep us grounded and humbled to understand that we are blessed enough to be surrounded by such amazing people. "Love it the way it is and flow." 

Remember these?

God, I miss the 90's! I wish I was a kid again 

sometimes...

What is/are your fondest childhood memories?

Well damn

This is exactly why I'm gonna marry a Black guy so we can produce children like these. They have such great charm, humor, and voice at such a young age. Not to mention, I want twins AND my kids are gonna be cute ;)

Shout out to the one who showed me this video and made me smile. Don't drop kick me, cold please MWAHAHAH!

Fragility

Today started off as a great day. Woke up and got ready to see "Where the Wild Things Are" [blog entry about that later on] but as I got back on campus, things just went haywire after that. Not even directly affecting me, but it does affect me somehow because it involves people who are dear to my heart. I won't mention who they are out of respect for them but their similar situations made me realize some things.

Relationships are like flowers, fragile and eager to grow. You start with the getting to know stage and it blossoms into one wonderful development of both parties involved. You learn something new about and from each other that helps you mature and grow individually as well as together. But just like a flower, if one does not nurture the other, it will stop growing and maybe even start rotting, and if one isn't patient or passionate enough, it will stop blossoming and eventually, die.

The most unexpected things happen even to the most sincere and loving people. When will one know if his or her relationship is in need of salvation? And when you figure that out, what is one supposed to do to save it? Is it even worth saving, or is it better off to let go so that another one can blossom?

Tonight

"Gn boo"

:)

Fatal by J. Holiday playing...

Love is like

...a well scripted movie.

"A director would want you to understand a movie just by seeing and observing the scenes even without a sound."

The two main characters act accordingly to the script that is common sense to them, to everyone. But there are times when adlibs are provided, unique to only the both of them. No one adlib will be the same for any duo. It will simply be developed to fit their movie. And just like any movie, it will be under public scrutiny, given many different interpretations but just like any classical & award-winning movies, all will walk away with a life lesson after experiencing it that will inspire them and keep them wanting to watch it over and over again. Just like love, as a couple in love, you would want people to understand and feel the emotion even without them knowing who you are. You would want people to sense that love just by being around you, and make them want to stick around- your presence is just that  warm and comforting.

"Oooo this feels so crazy. Oh this love is blazing, baby we're so high walking on Cloud 9..."