Saturday, December 17, 2011

Do I ever cross your mind...

I know you used to read this blog, but I wonder if you still check up on me, or if that is just a reality in my head.

In all honesty, I looked at your FB page and saw an apartment listing thing...I feel like I'm missing out on the materialistic things, but more importantly, the things that are associated with those material objects...

Like walking around your room as if I owned it, like you said I should because it shows I'm comfortable.
Like wearing your crewnecks and taking them with me when I leave so I can sleep in your scent when I got to bed at night.
Like making you dinner, or having you make me dinner, then sitting, no more like cuddling on the couch while we watch Disney movies and you whispering sweet nothings in my ear during the movie...
Like everything else that you said we'd do, but never got to do.

The fuck am I still holding on for?

I want everything you promised me...and more.
I just want you.

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's been so long...

I can't even believe I'm on this blog again, my blog, again.

I have so much I want to say to myself, to you...
But I feel like I need to start from scratch and see where I am and how I am before I do just that.
I need practice, you know. I haven't done this, I haven't done it.
I haven't been vulnerable in my words- the ones that will last longer, make a lasting impression I hope- in so very long.

I feel my chest compounded, I feel the same unexplainable, full yet empty feeling that I did from the last time I blogged.
I missed you, miss you.
Yeah, I guess I still do.

Fronted like I was done,
Like I was okay....
And for a minute, maybe a split second, I was- no really, I was.
Then I thought of just how happy I was when you were around,
And the unhappiness, that emptiness of you, came crashing back.

I know I control my own thoughts and somehow try to control my own emotions,
At least, I should be able to...
But somehow, it's the only thing I cannot control,
And for some reason, I'm okay with that.

I miss you.
I want to see you,
Your smile...
Your being.

I read this Tumblr post today,
It seemed so appropriate what it said.
It was written by a girl, about a boy...
But what she said, I wish you would say to me,
At least in your head.

I feel like you still care,
Maybe you don't and maybe I feel that way
Because I wish you do, still did, care.

I want to be surprised when you hit me up randomly,
But not because you need anything physically or materialistically,
But just because you want to talk,
Be you...
And allow me to be me.

I don't wanna fight with you,
In fact, I never did.
I'm just sad that it seemed like for the longest time, that's all we ever did.
And I wish we didn't because I wish I just knew how to tell you
Without fear,
How much you really meant, mean, to me.

Somehow, I'm fighting myself because it's too late,
But I want to believe it's not,
Even though your actions speak louder than how I will ever feel.

And that's a lot to say.