Friday, August 28, 2009


Productive day! Went to class, and yes! I can take my final early so I get to go to LA next Saturday, I'm coming boppuhhhh! :) AND check this, I'm comin on Tuesday too! Anywhoo, my momma's a crackhead...NOT LITERALLY but she cracks me up! This woman is toooo funny and I love her to death, well cuz she ALWAYS takes me shopping for once AND I was talking to her about 'the birds and the bees' and what you know, she surprises THE HELL outta me when she answered,
"Oh well I can't do anything about it. Just don't get pregnant"
to me asking if she would get mad if she knew I do the deed.
"Just don't ask me to buy yall condoms, make him do it!"
 I almost feel bad for my siblings, more especially for my sister, cuz she doesn't get the same privileges as me, since she don't talk to moms like that AND I THINK I'm her favorite child! MWAHAHAHAHA but real talk though. I talk to her about my ish and she's like my best friend who knows when she needs to be my mom.


Monday, August 24, 2009


I've been meaning to write this blog ever since I got home from mass yesterday afternoon because it got triggered by the priest's sermon. He was talking about pain threshold and how he doesn't have a very high one because even on television, he cannot stand to see other people get hurt, especially when he knows that it is not fictional and it's actually happening. 

It made me realize that I have two sides when it comes to pain thresholds. One side: I cannot see other people get hurt physically, and more importantly emotionally or mentally because it causes me to break down for and with them. Therefore, I realized that I don't have a very good external threshold when it comes to others. On the other hand, I also realized that I do have a high pain threshold, both physically and emotionally, when it comes to internal things and when it comes to my very own situations. 

I realized that I can stand the pain of getting hurt if it means that someone else will take pleasure, in whatever way it may come. It's pretty interesting because if you observe the way I act and react, like I do my own actions, you will definitely see what I'm talking about, especially when it comes to people who are in my very special circle. I can bear to get hurt and sometimes, it's because I know there's emotions involved either way. Just a simple observation, because I've always thought I had high physical pain threshold, but as time goes by, same goes to show with the other aspects.

I miss him genuinely. I pray he's doing well.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Pet Peeve ALERT!

I absolutely hate it when people flake out on me! Ughhhh, I don't get angered easily, but if you really wanna make me mad, irk me, and piss me thee fuck off?! Just make plans with me and cancel the last minute aka FLAKE OUT! I'm tired of it! It ruins my entire day/night/ the point where I don't even wanna do anything at all anymore.

I miss my P.I.C. like foreal...she'll know ESACTLY what I'm talking about [no homo]


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Number One

So today seemed to have a theme. It all started when I woke up and had "Number One" by John Legend stuck in my head, so being me, I just had to listen to it on iTunes of I did. As I listened, I started laughing cuz the lyrics are pretty hysterical to me.
"I promise not to do it again...You can't say I don't love you just because I cheat on you...cuz baby you're my number one..."

I thought, man that's just the problem nowadays. How do you expect your girl to react when/if you say that to her? Do you expect her to jump for joy and just say "Oh baby, it's all gravy as long as you love me cuz I love you too!" HELLLLL NAHHH!

So then I thought I'd tweet it and I get a response from a girl I know and she said

lol..its like what jody (tyrese) says in babyboy.."I f*** other b****es & h**s but I'm making love w/ you!"

Mmm, I don't know about all that. Men expect women to take them back even after they betrayed their trust and love, and in alot of cases, women do take them back. I'm not judging any woman for doing that. But it does make me wanna say,

"Well then can I fuck otha brothas and otha dudes but make love to you without pissin the shit outta you?" I'd love to see the reaction on a dude's face then and LMFAO!

The difference is, a man will leave and drop a woman for infidelity with no questions asked. Yep, it's that double standard that's all bad. Men can sleep with everybody and they mamas and every body think he's "all that" and some kinda stud, but when females do the same thing, well damn all hell breaks loose and she's known as a damn hoe, whore, and other derogatory terms. Maybe it's because men cheat for physical reasons and women cheat for emotion reasons- but either way it's cheating, betraying that one person who you supposedly love and who mean the world to you.
"I'm not mad because you lied, I'm upset because from now on, I can't trust you."

So then, today, I found this blog link on Twitter written by Melyssa Ford, titled "Single and F*ckin Lovin It!" and it pretty much speaks for itself and probably what a lot of women have in their minds...or in the back of it- either way, its there.

Last year a photo of myself and a male friend, who happens to play football, was posted on under the over used-heading “New Couple Alert!!”  In addition to false heading was another comment on the accompanying photo which read something like “Awwww, Melyssa finally found an NFL’er to wife her up!”

Really? Thanks for the free press but is it too much to ask some of these blogs to do a tiny bit of fact checking? How about a little journalistic integrity? It’s a lost art form, I tell you. My favorite was when posted an elaborate story on me dating Raekwon, from Wu Tang, which had been conjured up by his very imaginative marketing team and/or publicists. To this day, I’ve never met him, and Bossip didn’t feel it was important enough to ask me if I was even acquainted with Rae, much less his new “boo”.

This is what comes as part of the package deal with visibility, celebrity and just being in the public eye in general so in no way shape or form am I making an appeal for sympathy. I take this foolishness with a grain of salt and move on with my life.  It’s part of the publicity game to use relationships or “faux-relationships” to push projects like upcoming albums, movies, books etc; any tactic can be used to introduce or reintroduce someone to the limelight and get lips a flappin’.  Integrity evidently doesn’t exist in this world, neither does loyalty or honesty; but one would hope that both parties are aware of the situation before its plastered on computer screens around the country, or for that matter, the world.

But I’m getting off topic.  My main gripe is the fact that the average single woman in this business is under constant attack; she may as well have leprosy or some other communicable disease! Everyone stands around, gossiping about who her rumored conquests and bed fellows have been, pointing and shaking their fingers at her as if she’s walking around with a scarlet letter on her chest. Judging her based upon rumor and innuendo, rather than celebrating her for not becoming one of the rising statistics of women spending money paying for divorce lawyers, who entered into a union, perhaps fool heartedly because she couldn’t stand the pressure that society places upon us to FIND A MAN AND GET MARRIED! At the same time, their pity for her is so evident you would think that singledom is equivalent to a life sentence, as if every unattached woman is supposed to be hoping against hope that someone will come along and parole her from having to put on the brave face for the masses and act like she’s happy. 
And forget about her professional pursuits; that’s only a beard, for once those 4 karats are slipped on her finger she can give up the charade, sit the down and pop out some kiddies…

Gimme a break.

If societal perception was to be believed than the single man is biding his time and weighing his options; a single woman is lonely and desperate and wishing upon every star in the damn sky that her Prince Charming is gonna pull up in a Bentley, throw some diamonds and cash her way and say “C’mon girl, you MY b*tch now. I‘m claiming you.”

My total embrace of my chosen single lady status has me wondering, have I simply become disengaged from the affects of  The Cinderella Complex? This is something that, primarily, women suffer from, which is the direct result of being force fed the fairy tale dream, the “happily-ever-after” ending we’re all expected to pursue. So many women are taught, not only is the ultimate goal of achievement landing a man, getting that rock on your finger, settling down and popping out some kids, but that it is our duty as the female of the species to procreate; otherwise our entire existence is considered, what, frivolous??? Get the f*ck outta here!!

How about we celebrate every woman who defies society’s standards, embraces her individuality, refuses to enter the institution of marriage because of its mental and emotional confines and decides for herself not to have children, her reasons possibly being because there are so many who are born into less than desirable circumstances and/or tossed away like garbage? 

Call me a commitment-phobe, call me whatever you want. My main objection to commitment usually involves a life long contract tied to some technological service provider, not to dating or relationships.  But I’ve gotten to the point in my life, as woman who has thrown her heart down on the crap table and come up with snake eyes a few times (but also with some very good relationships thrown in there as well) that I know when I WANT to care about someone else’s feelings, outside of my own. Sometimes, I just do not have the capacity to care whether someone else’s day was good or bad, that they have a sick relative, that they have financial issues, whatever.  From my observation, not many people think far and long enough about what they’re willing to do or to give up for another person, so you see a lot of people existing within miserable relationships and marriages.  They feel trapped, but why? The flip side to that is someone, usually women, who invest way too much effort and time in a relationship hoping that he will open his eyes and SEE what’s in front of him.  Too many times we fall in love with someone’s potential, rather than who they currently are. We slowly become their crutch and allow them to continue on with their bad behavior. No thanks, I’m good!

My friends and I have witnessed each other in failing relationships/marriages and to feel like you cannot escape that spiritually draining, life essence sucking, all encompassing pain is the most ridiculous thing in the world; unfortunately hindsight is 20/20 and most of us, once out of said relationship wonder out loud, “Why didn’t I get out sooner and save myself all that time/energy/money/pain/love?”

It was just after a relationship that should have expired like skim milk that I let fester and rot until it ceased to exist that I began to release the idea that I need a guy to save me, co-sign me, care for me, take care OF me, love me, take my daddy‘s place and be my pillar of strength. I looked around and realized the love I was seeking was right in front of me; that my large group of true friends (and I surprisingly have a lot of them) are some amazing human beings who contribute to the greater good of our community and our world. Their love for me made me rediscover my love for myself and all at once, I discovered I AM a whole person, one who is no longer seeking “my other half” in order to define my whole self. If it’s God’s will that whoever my soul mate is shows up and we create another existence called He & I, well Praise Him! (hand up in the air, head bowed, eyes closed.)

You can tell a lot about a person by the friends that hold them in their hearts; by all accounts,

I’m a fu**n rockstar because of who I have chosen to be enough for me. Yeah, the nights alone suck sometimes, but then I think to myself that my peace of mind is priceless, my individuality is a blessing, my youth is a gift and my choices are my own. Sleep comes easy. 

And when it doesn‘t, well, there are always battery operated devices…

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I don't wanna be bitter. I don't wanna be angry or upset...and I don't wanna be sad. Although, I have felt those things in a span of a week and some change, but I just wanna try and put things in proper perspective now. Brian McKnight could not have sang it any better
"cuz I've never felt this way about loving darling...never felt so good, never felt this way about loving it feels so good"

yet at the same time, it has its "bad" too. Kinda also reminds of this one scene in Hitch when the white guy brings a box of donuts to Hitch's house and says something to the effect of...maybe if I keep eating these, it'll make my heart stop beating and get rid of this pain...not exactly that, but something like it. I really never felt this way about anyone before. It's overwhelmingly good at its peak and quite miserable at its lows. But I won't say I regret it because to me, I really do believe that God has a reason for why he places us in situations, groups us with people, and everything else in between.

I'm grateful for those people and those situations, and I'm very appreciative of what has happened because I learned something from him, from it, and from myself. I got to experience things I never would have thought possible, and for that, I'm thankful. I do miss you and I'll miss the good times and having you there no matter what. You know how I feel about you but I'd rather still be in good terms with someone and continue to be a part of his life, despite not playing the same role, than being completely out of it. Call it what you want, but at this point, I really don't mind because once again, 
I'm at a point in my life when I feel in complete control over my emotions and the things I want and need.

I wish I didn't have to go through the downfall, but I'm thankful for them now because with them, I'm closer with myself, those I love the most, and God. I learned to let go and let God


P.S. Look at me getting all sentimental, but I'm not even scared anymore, just sometimes I wish I wasn't so scared when I had the chance. Another lesson learned.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

To whom it concerns...

The book talks about acting like a lady but thinking like a man. And in that same book, Steve Harvey writes that a man may truly care about a woman, yet he won't commit until he feels like he is man enough to do so...meaning, he's already got himself together that is good enough for his own standards and has prioritized a woman to be in his life. I understand that concept, no matter how hard it is to take, yes, I am fully capable of comprehending it, especially with what is happening.

However, just as he states that men LOVE differently than women, women also THINK differently than men. With that in mind, I say that I will not buy into the title of the book, however catchy it is, because I don't believe in changing my genetic make-up. First of, because I really don't know how, and secondly, I will not apologize for being a woman- for caring about someone, for wanting to be a part of someone's life, and for making someone happy. I embrace the way I think, despite the many circumstances in which I constantly overthink, it's what makes me, me. I embrace the way I care about those I love. I would do anything in my power to make them happy and comfortable, but I won't let myself stay in a situation where I'm not wanted or welcomed anymore. I refuse to be ignored and look stupid, so while I still have my dignity, as hard as it may be, I'm gonna walk away. Maybe that's what it takes for that person to truly find what it is they want and need to be solid.

I've come to terms with what I need. It may not be what I want, because idk how I can be friends with someone I care about this much. I'll be honest, I've never felt like this about anyone before, to the point where I'm willing to fight for something, and even let go of what I want if it means good for the other person. But sometimes, you can't always have what you want.


P.S. To whom it may concern, if you happen to read this, it's not a statement against you, because anyone who knows will tell you how much you mean to me, and probably always will. But like I said, I don't wanna argue with you...I just want us both to be coo and at peace, whatever form that may be.

Working out...

Just like that (snaps fingers together) things have changed...

'nuff said.

[If that's even possible.]

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

So my shawtayyy finally found the book I've heard about since hmmm, the beginning of 2009. She gave it to me earlier today, as well as my ring, as her birthday present for me. Yeah, sorry baby, you can't have me anymore, unfortunately, cuz I'm already taken ;) [jk babeeeeee! explanations come later] 

Anywhooo, so back to me reading this book right. I started reading and I found myself hooked on it, like not wanting to stop. If you know me, you'd know I absolutely detest reading so I was kinda shocked myself. But maybe I was hooked cuz I somehow was able to relate to the content and the information written by a man, as if I, myself, was directly getting the advice from one. Which kinda brings me to my other point...

I was going through my P.I.C.'s old blog entries from even before we met, and surprise surprise, she had similar if not identical thoughts on that four letter word. Yeah, I know we're friends for a reason but it's just pretty crazy to me how similar our views are when it comes to that department. I mean I haven't even met her yet she already shared these thoughts. Now, here's the entry I'm speaking of...[I know, I know...I swagga jacked you with a couple other entries, forgive me, but I'm tryna prove a point here]

when you two have the same amount of fun during the day as you do at night..

when chicken sandwiches bring you both immeasurable joy... && eating time turns into 'silent, happy time' (for like 10 minutes cuz you're both fatties)

when chillen becomes a full on activity, equipped with missions that always lead up to perfect sexxin...

when you're willing to try anything when you're together just cuz u don't want him/her to call u a weenie (except .... && that one bungee jump 'ride' at 6 flags)

when his ashy hands and her constantly shedding weave are considered a part of their everyday, charming swag && you start to look past it && stop offering lotion && combs...

when you threaten someone you've known for forever just cuz they're going a liiiittle too hard on them...

when you're both willing to bust SUPER thirsty missions and pay friends gas money that neither of you really have... just to see them

when your conversations flow so easily that you lose track of time (&& curfews... woops)

when you two can account for and tell stories from every level of friendship you've covered over a looooong ass period of time (with aim logs, insiders, pictures, voice-mails and emails to reinforce em)

when you're able to tease the other person because u know they can't live without you. :-]

when activities you usually do with that person become LACKLUSTER when you do them with someone else...

when they're your motivation for getting a car, finding a job, or begging for gas money everyday...

when spurts of jealousy arise cuz you know they're out with someone else.. && having fun that you're not responsible for...

when you can't sleep the night before you two have something semi-big planned...

when u call 911 for their dying asssss on a date night

when you go to the museum for em. (lmao oh, MOCA)

when you change the song in the car cuz you know they don't like it, but won't ever tell you cuz they know you love it :-]

when even though u say u never wanna talk to them again... you constantly check up on em on myspace, blogspot, or away msgs...

when their name in your phonebook changes every time some new insider pops up, or whenever they're acting like a dickhead (>:o)

when no matter how f.ckin mad you are at each other, you still listen to eeeeverything the other has to say to you, without interrupting...

when they still wanna be with you despite all the explicit, disrespectful things you've said to them...

when their tears make you cry...

when the biggest fuck-up occurs and you consider looking past it, despite knowing what the best solution is...

when they'll always have a place in your heart, no matter what

when you reflect on your past relationship... && smile instead of cry... && honestly hope the best for them, even though you're not a part of their life anymore

Most of those are on point, and ironically, she was referring to someone she was in (four-letter word) with...and frankly, I never thought about this, cuz I never felt that about anyone, so I wasn't bothered persay, I just kinda had it in the back of my mind and forgot about it...then I start reading this book, and then the same thought came back, and really, I'm not tryna think about it too much, honestly because I really don't know what to think about it...not in a bad way or anything like that either.

LOL, now I feel like this particular blog is pointless, but I'm simply writing my train of thought as I type. Not that I'm scared that someone might see it and bounce, or I'm scared of admitting that, no I just don't really know...oh heck, maybe I am a little. Well, I just know I have this person who unexpectedly came into my life, literally, walked right by me, and I didn't say anything, thinking what are the odds...and next thing you know, there he was, well still is...and I've never felt so appreciative for someone, other than my family, and every time, I feel more thankful to even have him still there everyday

I was only joking when I said you can't have me up there ^^^. I know he's said it before, but frankly, he has me at a place where no one's had me before. And it's not to put pressure on him, and add to his idea of that "99 to 1%" thing. It just feels good to have these feelings, even when I get frustrated or upset, for someone who I always want to be happy, because just being him makes me happy, and as much as possible be there for. It's not hard to explain, I'd rather keep the other solid things to myself. I know one thing is certain, I [   .] you.

Simpin ass J?! Hmm, not simpin, just being honest.

["I Wanna Be" by Avant started playing on iTunes...ironically.]

Monday, August 3, 2009

Digging for G[old] stuff...

Since I started summer school today, I've been up since 6am and now I'm stuck home, alone...which led me to finding this in E's blog...thought it was useful, not just for me, but for many others!

so J... being the 'BAUCE' that she is, shares a bit of knowledge and reasoning that i noticed just happens to be stored in our minds naturally...

after several minutes of trying to calm her down she's like

"aye. u just gotta realize that girls and dudes aredifferent. you can't expect him to react the same way u would in a situation. in his mind, he was being REALconsiderate just by answering your call on a saturday night while he's out with his friends in the first place... on TOP of pausing his night, he attempts to calm u down and make u feel better instead of just sayin 'lemme call u back'... of course you're gonna be rushed off the phone, who would wanna have a deep ass discussion on a saturday night while they're out with their buddies and shit? ur trippen right now,just go to sleep."

She was referring to me, J, in case you ain't know! Not on some conceited, tooting my own horn kinda shit, but yeah I do give some bomb advice. Seek it if you need it :)

some shit that's been circling in my noggin...

you never forget who your number one is. they make it hard to remember anyone else.

it's imperative that it's mutual tho... or else you set yourself up to be played... be confident with where you and the one you love stand. and don't forget your agreements and promises... they're made for a reason...

u don't wanna be a victim of this particular agreement, would you?:

*takes place some time before saaaaay... one of these two leave for a long trip* 
"attractive male: u think we should have a nice open relationship?
attractive male: cause i kno i will always put u b4 anybody else
fine young lady: yea same here
fine young lady: but define open...
attractive male: everybody else pretty much gets played
fine young lady: lmao"

then again... how would you know?

it's really easy to get caught up in some dumb shit...

really... easy

But for other things, I make sure to go to this beezie, E, and she gives me this...well something like it. That's just how we work :)