For the longest time...

I've been wanting to get a tattoo. I coulda gotten one twice already but something, usually money, prevented me from getting one cuz I'd spend it on shopping instead...but I REALLY WANNA GET ONE!

Not even on some superficial 'Oooo I wanna get a star on my arm that means nothing to me!' kinda thing. The tattoos I want actually have deeper meanings behind them. No offense, but I just don't think that stars are all that meaningful especially if you get it just so you can say you're tatted...but that's just me personally. But anywhoo, I won't say what tats I want cuz someone might jack me BUT i will say they are worth spending money on...

With that said, someone should invest in getting me one of the six tattoos I want this Christmas! 

Think about it, it'll be your xmas present to me AND every time I & others look at it, I'll be able to say, "Ohhh this tattoo...? [insert name here] got it for me" with a big smile on my face. 

:)

Sickening.

Last night, I slept pretty early for me...which was around 12 and I had this dream. In the dream, I was with a few homies on the bed I was really sleeping on last night. It was getting pretty late and we all decided to just chill and talk. Then I find myself falling asleep, and then next thing I knew, I was laying down on the side of the bed I usually sleep on, with the comforter on my bare body. I got up instantly and found that one of the homies was laying next to me tryna kiss me and I was like WTF! I got this sickening feeling in my stomach. So I immediately get dressed and tell him to do the same. Then I go to my homegirl and tell her that was soooo wrong if what I thought really did happen! She laughed it off and said that it was no big deal. That got me heated because it WAS a big deal. Then I started thinking about how a certain someone would feel and how fucked up that relationship was gonna be, and oh there goes that thing with him. I got in the shower passed my homegirl STILL laughing, then she says "At least I like him!" and I started crying. Then I woke up foreal this morning and I vividly remembered every little thing in the dream, and still felt sick to my stomach.

That shit was TOO weird! I would never pull shit like that in real life, cuz I don't want KARMA to slap me in the face AND I don't wanna mess anything up. That's exactly why I don't understand how some people can go out and be disloyal...and just mess around with people when they clearly are in some type of a relationship. It;s sickening to me personally.

Wheeew! Thank goodness it was JUST a dream.

Crawl

Has got to be the best song Chris Brown has released. Here's the ORIGINAL video and a COVER I found :) 

So we'll crawl
Till we can walk around
And we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So let's crawl....crawl....crawl
Back to love
Yeah
Back to love
Yeah

Ciao!

Back in elementary school...

I used to carry around a lunch box for recess because unlike here, we actually had 30 minutes to eat during recess in the Philippines. And if I forget my lunch at home, my mom would make sure to come by during my lunch hour [yes, an entire hour of lunch] to bring me some rice and other foods in my lunch box. I remember how excited I would get in the summertime, when it was time to pick out my new rolly back pack and of course, my lunch box! The priest was talking about it earlier, but he referred to them as "lunch pails" and it reminded me of my own experiences. 

 

What do you remember about your childhood?

Do you remember your own box?

:)

This Time

Here goes another good one. I was watching a very intense episode of The Game on BET and this song was playing in the background during the "wedding" scene. Ahhh, John Legend never ceases to amaze me.

"This time I want it all

This time I want it all

Showing you all the cards

Giving you all my heart

This time I’ll take the chance

This time I’ll be a man

I can be all you need

This time it's all of me"

But what if there is no other "This Time"? What if there was only that time? That one time? That last time?

[I'll leave you with that thought.]

ENJOY!

goodnight :)

LISTEN UP!

This song spits the truth. It used to be my jam back in middle school BUT the message of it still speaks volumes!

"It's the simple things in life we forget

You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said

Why do you make something so easy so complicated

Searching for what's right in front of your face

But you can't see it"

Soak it in & let it absorb.

ENJOY!

All I want for Christmas...

All I want for Christmas...you ask?

So this year I decided to make a list of all the things I want for Christmas...so here it goes [in NO particular order]:

1. Viva La Juicy perfume

2. A new purse

3. Moccasins 

4. New clothes, that includes EVERYTHING that is classified under clothing

5. New bras AND panties

6. My very own camera

7. A DVD/blu ray player

8. A Yorkshire terrier puppy

9. Disneyland tickets

10. Laker game tickets

11. New sunglasses

12. A new Macbook, mine is scarred :/

13. Hmmm....

I couldn't really think of a #13. In fact, those other ones were hard to think of as well, cuz what I really want, you can't buy from any store. As much as I'd want all those material things,  the only reason I'd want one of those on the list is because I'd know it was from that someone, and it'll always remind me of that person-  I'm just a lil sentimental like that. But what I really want this Christmas is to spend some quality time at home, or somewhere, with someone. I wanna cuddle with during a nice movie, whispering sweet lil nothings that mean like the world at that moment in time. Just this one time, during THIS holiday/winter season. 

Simpin wish 101: ...is you.

Interesting picture?

...I think yes!

[DISCLAIMER: Calm yourselves...this is NOT me. LOL.]

Quiet moments.

As much as I wish I was out and about with friends or even a 'boyfriend'...out in a party and what not, I'm glad I'm at home, enjoying a peaceful relaxed night with my dad. Yeah, I'm the only one outta the three with no partner and I wish I did. I wish I had someone to cuddle with, someone who I can share my love with, but it's times like these that help me remember that there are others who I share my love with too. Yeah I get kinda jealous that my brother and sister have places to go and things to do with their significant others but I guess this gives me time to find myself in order for me to love myself, just in time for another person to come into my life and love me. Yeah, we're just watching movies on a Friday night when everyone else is at an after Thanksgiving function and what not, and don't get me wrong, I'd wanna be in one of them too, but it's moments like these that keep me grounded. They keep me humble and remind me of my priorities and how very lucky I am to be able to spend some quiet time with people who matter the most.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Something I found...

To Women: Love, God.

So beautiful.. and so true.

timirose:

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone I shaped you, I modeled you, I created you perfectly and beautifully.

Your characteristics are as the rib: strong, yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The ribcage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart.

Support man as the ribcage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken for his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand by him and to be held close to his side.

You are My perfect angel.. you are My beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and My eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes.. don’t change them. Your lips, how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands, so gentle to touch. I have caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I have held your heart close to Mine. Of all that lives and breaths, you are most like Me. Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see Me or touch Me.

He could only feel Me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me, I fashioned in you: My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love, My protection, and support. You are special because you are an extension of Me. Man represent My image, woman My emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.

So man, treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt Me. What you do to her, you do to Me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart; the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father. Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness, show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.

(via KnowGodKnowLove)

***Thanks to Gabe Bondoc's Tumblr account for this.

Thanksgiving

This is the first time I've actually felt like we, as a family, are celebrating this holiday we're not really used to. This year, we're actually having turkey and other "regular" Thanksgiving foods instead of just cooking some special foods my mom makes (i.e. lasagna, steaks, etc.) Shoot, we're even having pecan and maybe some pumpkin pie...with the additional Filipino stuff too of course, just to add our own lil twist LOL.

So anywhoo, I thought it would be appropriate if I announced my appreciation for a few people and things that are near and dear to me & my lil heart. 

First off, I'd like to say how grateful to my beautiful parents. I don't think I can really say enough to even justify how much they have done and continuously do for me. I've just really been fortunate to have two strong individuals that hold one strong bond as my foundation, because even when I feel low, I know I'll always have them to fall back on and build upon again...& again, and for that AND MORE...I thank them.

Next on the list are my two younger siblings, Dianne & Lance. It's amazing how much closer we've gotten over the past couple of years. There are still some times when I'd wish I was an only child cuz they know what buttons of mine to push BUT, with that said, they also know what advice to give I'm upset over something or someone else. I always look forward to sharing lots of laughter with them when I'm stressing out because they help me feel better. They get mad at me for my stupid decisions and what not, but they never fail to forgive me, and for that, I can't thank them enough. 

Next are my girls. No homo, but I'm talking about the ones who stand by me and have my back even when I don't have my own. Those who get affected by my emotions just as much as they affect me because despite the length of our relationship, they just seem like my other sisters. To my roommate who shows me the more logical side of things when I get really emotional, I thank you for truly having my back even when I'm too stubborn, and for many other things. To my girls from way back when, I thank yall for still being there to talk to even if times have separated us. To all yall, thank you for being that circle of girls I can rely on for truth, minus the cattiness and backstabbing. [Special shout outs to Elize, Angel, Esther, Nakia, and Adel.]

To all the boys I've loved before...LOL jp, but here's to all the boys in my life. I used to always say that I get along with boys better than girls (not even on some hoe shit) but I realized that it's because they have the directness I lack. They know just what to tell me when I'm feeling really heavy, whether it's with their stupid/silly/goof jokes, silly nicknames, and straight up advice. And if you know me, you'd know that I have quite the "issues" with your kind LMAO...nah but seriously. I thank yall for being the good representations of your gender cuz times like these, it's hard to weed out the good from the bad and I'm lucky to have some of the best. [Special shout outs to Michael Hart, Marco, Derryl Bo, and Myke B]...and to Jordan, I was wondering why you were still a part of my life but now I know why cuz ur words of encouragement are MY shit & idk what I would do without you, so thank you. And to all my boys, yall don't know just how much I appreciate yall.

And one last thing, in the beginning of this blog I really wasn't about to add this person on here, but as I started writing, I realized that I am thankful for him too. Thankful because with all the things I've had to deal with, it's definitely helped me realize my limits and how much patience and strength I have as a person...as well as how stubborn and dumb I can get. So thanks for putting me through...well no, thanks for being the person who made me realize how much I'm worth and for making me realize how much I can care about someone despite some things, and for making me realize that I'm strong enough to be me so I shouldn't be scared even if one person doesn't appreciate it because someone else will. I've had my issues and you've had yours and idk why but you somehow still have a hold of a part of me, and "we bin thru the forest n the fire n [you] try 2 keep [me] un scathed n without burns"  and we keep [crawl]ing So thanks.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! :)

Words of Wisdom

Our thoughts are the most powerful weapon we are equipped with. We are soldiers of truth, we are soldiers of strength. Our ideas are capable of killing but they are also capable of building hope and unity. So choose your battles and fight wisely.

Good night yall.

Invictus.

I feel like damaged relationships are kinda like broken bones. They can perform surgery and fix it but it'll always have that injury, and it can always get injured in that same spot again and again, if you're not careful. As for relationships, people can heal and things can be mended but it's never gonna be the same. Mistakes will be forgiven but never forgotten. Something is always gonna be different. 

With that said, I'm not saying I'm innocent here because I am not at all. I played my part in making my mistakes and I'm truly sorry for them, they were selfish decisions and I'm lightweight paying for them still. But these same mistakes carry on because they take a toll on me.

I truly believe that I was created to be in this world with Ethos as my main motivation. I am a very sensitive individual. I try not to wear my heart on my sleeves, but the more I try not to, the more it shows, and the more it affects me. I've come to realize over the past year that I am far more sensitive than I'd like to admit to people. I'm far needier than I'd like to show people. I'm far more emotional than I'd like to expose to people. And lately, that's been okay with me. 

I also realized that lately, I can't and shouldn't depend on anyone but myself. Well, I depend on my parents, sister, and brother, but they can only do so much and I can only say so much because they have their own things too. But other than them, I can and should only rely on myself. People change and not everyone can adapt to my own changes. I realized that people can't and don't always wanna deal with emotions and I'm a very emotional person, so I need to learn to stand on my own so I can stand my own ground instead of being easily influenced by those around me, and worse, turned out.

I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. I'm a very emotional person. I'm a very sensitive person. 

I feel like I have to say that at least ten times, or however many times it would take for me to be comfortable with the fact that I base alot of my decisions on emotions. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just listen to my dad about being logical, about being practical, and my heart can just easily absorb those words and be about it. I tried, and believe me, I've tried many times. It would work for a little time, but in that short period of time, I found myself having to constantly remind myself of my purpose and my objective, and it would always revert back to how it was. It just was not me. 

I guess that might have been the problem. I tried to manipulate myself to be someone else, and that resulted in the fronts that I didn't really care and such, but it just was not me. So I'm trying something new. I'm gonna try to embrace what I am and see where I go from there. I doubt it would cause anymore fault than what I had already done, so I might as well. This is not an "emo" kind of entry either, I'm just tryna express the real me for a change. It's kinda liberating.

Her Heart

Shout out to my homie Myke B. for sharing this wonderful album with me, "The Point of It All" by Anthony Hamilton. I have this connection with his soulful voice and his truthful music and right now, this album couldn't describe things more perfectly [well at least some of the tracks do]. 

My chest is hurting as I write this blog and I don't know the physical aspect of it BUT I do know why it is emotionally. Lately, I've been going through so much of those emotions, even when I feel blank. And it seems like when I felt blank, the next emotion triggered is intensified to the point where I'd feel it physically as well. 

I saw a telecast of a traditional Filipino wedding a little while ago and it was so comforting to see and feel the love of the couple even through the screen. I was thinking to myself, "She waited that long and I guess it was all worth it because the way he looks at her is proof enough of how purely he loves her" and I said to myself that I want something like that someday. I guess that love was strong enough even for me cuz my blank 'IDGAF' attitude from the other day turned into a cascade of emotions that physically embodied tears. It was a beautiful ceremony and it was a beautiful moment but it made me think of my own relationships.

Long story short, I'm really bad at them. I'm really starting to think that I'm not bound for those types of things. I don't like blaming myself or even pitying myself but there comes a point when you just start to think that out of all those 'bad' relationships and misunderstandings & miscommunications, YOU are the common denominator. I am the common denominator. So I start opening up to my mom a little bit and I told her that I don't think anyone I've met is strong enough to handle me. Then she said, "Maybe it's cuz you're very demanding?" asking me whether or not this was the case and automatically I said "No I'm not...but what do you mean?"

She said she didn't really mean anything behind it but it was simply an idea but it made me think...maybe the things that I think are little, like certain things I believe are only "the little things I ask for" are the most demanding. Maybe my moodswings themselves are too demanding for anyone to put up with. Maybe the attention I ask for, the little communication I seek, and the understanding and patience for my sometimes insecure self are the most demanding, and those make it hard for me to love. Am I really that hard to love?

I don't wanna sound cynical, but lately I've been feeling that way. I try not to be, which results in my 'IDGAF' shut down, numb attitude, like I don't care anymore. But once I start to really feel, it all shows that I do. I'm crying while I write this and I'm kinda iffy saying that but I'm trying this new method of owning up to how I feel, because maybe, that'll empower me and make me feel ok. 

My insecurities become exposed and my weaknesses are strengthened. I'm the eldest and my two siblings are in relationships and I know this. I'm not affected by it, well I wasn't, until my mom jokingly said "Haha, who would have thought you would be the only one left without someone?!" I laughed. That's all I could have done. But it hurts to admit these different things I'm going through. I have so many other things to think about and other priorities on my mind, other things worth mentioning and talking about, and it hurts that they become overshadowed by FEELINGS. 

My chest still hurts, and it prolly always will. My tears are dropping anymore...at least for now. "Her Heart" is on repeat so the tears will prolly come back, but I'm letting myself cry because either way, it still hurts so I might as well let it flow naturally. I wanna be young again, so I can just run to my mom or my dad whenever I cried and their hug will make me hush up and feel better. But I'm afraid this time, it won't work even if I ran to them and they hushed me up. 

I don't think I'm gonna post anything for a while...until I figure some things out. Nothing against you, but I think I've been sharing too much of myself. I'm just gonna try & figure things out myself. Hopefully I can without blogging [my venting]. 

Wish me luck...

Goodnight for now.

The Point of It All

You know that feeling when everything seems to go against your will and your desire? Like everything is piling up to tell you to stop but you keep going because you think things will get better? Do you also know that feeling when you feel like you've reached the point where you can't go any further because you've done all you can and still, nothing happens? Like every little thing adds to the feeling of "I can't do this anymore!" and/or "I'm so tired of this!" That feeling that makes your stomach twist, not because of the good 'butterflies' kinda feeling, but the bad 'I'm so anxious [and the Genuwine 'So Anxious' either] that I detest you' kinda feeling? That bad feeling that takes over all that's ever been good, to the point where you can't even remember the goodness of it? That feeling that makes your chest hurt, not because it feels so full of love, but so full of hurt and anger and sadness, like "WHY did this happen? WHEN did this happen? HOW did this happen? WHAT happened?"

Why does it seem like it's so much easier to talk about the pain than the good? And why does it seem so much easier to get to the hurt than reach the love?

Quote of the Week

"You are not always going to be understood, don't let that stop you. Seek acceptance within and let the world do what it may."

-Anonymous

Ponder and sleep with angels.

Prototype

"I hope that you're the one. If not, you are the prototype."

I love that song, whether you it be the one by Outkast or by Jazmine Sullivan, I love it either way. Speaks the truth, like most R&B songs I enjoy singing with and listening to.  How does one know if his or her woman or man is the "the one"...?

Just a simple thought with such complex answers, if any at that. 

Why are you so PARANOID?

I think I have a problem with my body. No, not the kinda problem that requires psychological and mental rehab cuz I like my body just the way it is thanks. I'm talking about health-wise.

My stomach has been acting up for a few days now and I thought it was just cuz I ate some kinda bad food. But then today, I was surprised by this visitor who had already came when it was supposed tom which was two weeks ago. YOU ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO COME VISIT ONCE A MONTH FUCKER! Then my chest starts hurting and my upper back starts hurting. I start feeling weak and tired and my body starts aching. ALL as a result of me being paranoid that "I might get sick" and here I am, starting to fall with symptoms because shit I guess MIND OVER MATTER does really work!

So I called my sister who is just recovering from a cold. She's doing better now and she told me not to worry so much because I'll just hype myself up when I don't even really have symptoms and what not. That kinda made me feel a lil better but I'm still trippen. So she told me to go to the campus health center and I said ok...then we hang up.

Five minutes later, she calls me back and says "Oh man, I forgot to tell you...my friend just died." *heart sinks* She explained to me how he was in the hospital with the flu, not even the swine flu, and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. They had to perform surgery on him twice, had a stroke, and then...they pulled the plug. They pulled the plug...on a 17 year old high school senior who was about to graduate in a few more months. 

Thoughts started rushing to my head like a concussion. One thing I thought about was "What if I have those same things and these pesky little symptoms leads to something lethal like that and I die tomorrow?" But even worse, what if that was my sister or my brother, or my parents, or any one of my good friends? I wouldn't even know what to do. I wouldn't know how to react. Will I cry? Will I be quiet? Will I...? So many questions...so many thoughts. Thoughts that I forget and ignore because I think that they will always be there...that I will always be there...that tomorrow will always be there...BUT IT'S NOT.

So think of the people who you fail to talk to everyday for one reason or another. Think of the people you care about, the people whose lives are valuable enough to you that you'd sacrifice anything for them. Think of them and think of you. What would you do if something like that happened? What will you do now...now that they are still there with you?

Just something to think about.