It's been so long...

I can't even believe I'm on this blog again, my blog, again.

I have so much I want to say to myself, to you...
But I feel like I need to start from scratch and see where I am and how I am before I do just that.
I need practice, you know. I haven't done this, I haven't done it.
I haven't been vulnerable in my words- the ones that will last longer, make a lasting impression I hope- in so very long.

I feel my chest compounded, I feel the same unexplainable, full yet empty feeling that I did from the last time I blogged.
I missed you, miss you.
Yeah, I guess I still do.

Fronted like I was done,
Like I was okay....
And for a minute, maybe a split second, I was- no really, I was.
Then I thought of just how happy I was when you were around,
And the unhappiness, that emptiness of you, came crashing back.

I know I control my own thoughts and somehow try to control my own emotions,
At least, I should be able to...
But somehow, it's the only thing I cannot control,
And for some reason, I'm okay with that.

I miss you.
I want to see you,
Your smile...
Your being.

I read this Tumblr post today,
It seemed so appropriate what it said.
It was written by a girl, about a boy...
But what she said, I wish you would say to me,
At least in your head.

I feel like you still care,
Maybe you don't and maybe I feel that way
Because I wish you do, still did, care.

I want to be surprised when you hit me up randomly,
But not because you need anything physically or materialistically,
But just because you want to talk,
Vent,
Be you...
And allow me to be me.

I don't wanna fight with you,
In fact, I never did.
I'm just sad that it seemed like for the longest time, that's all we ever did.
And I wish we didn't because I wish I just knew how to tell you
Without fear,
How much you really meant, mean, to me.

Somehow, I'm fighting myself because it's too late,
But I want to believe it's not,
Even though your actions speak louder than how I will ever feel.

And that's a lot to say.