Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Putting my Thoughts together

Even my spelling had to be corrected with the simple word, "together". I've been all over the place and in one place at the same time, for a while now. Two, maybe three weeks, maybe even months, now. I don't even know how long it has really been, I can't keep track of when it started feeling like this but all I know is that it's a strangely familiar feeling.

Pause. I had to take a break even after one paragraph. The keys under my finger tips feel good. Note that "Makes Me Whole" is ironically playing as I type. Ironic for two reason. Will and I. I do not feel whole.

Woah, even those last two sentences/phrases look weird. "I'm not scared of lions, and tigers, and bears, but I'm scared of loving you...Am I the only one who think it's an impossible task? Why do we love Love when Love seems to hate us?"

I'm literally typing up all the thoughts in my head. Random or not. Maybe I can decode it later and figure out what is really going on. Maybe two years after I post this. It's been three years since I first heard this song, and I liked it then, but I understand it now. Questions. Questioning. I was thinking the other day that maybe, I'm feeling this way because I have not fully processed what happened, and what continues to happen to me.

The big things don't seem to feel as big. The little things just seem to be there, meaningless yet meaningful all at once. I don't know where I am. I am transitioning, I guess you can call it that for  lack of a better word. I find myself writing only when I'm feeling completely lost, or feeling like I'm floating, stagnantly about.

Pause again. My thoughts regarding anything just stopped. Did I all of a sudden release everything that I needed to say already? No, I don't think so. I feel tired. Like those words exhausted me. It took a lot out of me, literally and yes, pun intended too because it took a lot out of me metaphorically too. I don't even know if I'll remember what I meant with what I just said in a day.

I usually stop when I feel better but I don't feel better. I want to stop because I'm tired. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just want to let it go. LET IT GO. Maybe that's it. I've let it go. I'm letting go.

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