Insomnia kicks in.

SELFISH -july 13-

Sometimes we hurt the ones closest to us. I don't know any other reason why we do except that it feels good to do so. It makes us feel good and feel better. Maybe not all of us, but I realized that it makes me feel better about myself because I'm selfish. Now I could go on saying that I'm not selfish, but deep down inside, I really am. I always want things I know I can't and shouldn't have. As much as I think I'm being considerate of others' feelings I really am not, and in fact, end up hurting them instead of saving them the anguish with my stupid and hurtful questions and reactions.

People disappoint and upset me and as much as it looks like I'm okay with it and am patient and forgiving, deep down I like causing them the same emotion as pay back for what they've caused me. I am a selfish person.

But I don't wanna be this way anymore. I don't wanna feel this way any longer. I spend countless nights laying in bed, awake, contemplating and trying to search for the answers as to why somtimes, I find myself not wanting to eat or sleep. But the reason is me. I am my own enemy. I am selfish. And I'm sorry to those I've hurt, mainly my parents, siblings, and that one other person I truly care about. I continue to place burdens on their shoulders as I continue to rely on them for my own happiness when I know I shouldn't. I'm sorry. I truly am.

And in between those two trains of thoughts, a conversation occurred, and once again, it got the best of me, and as a result...more of them, those unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I wish i can just let go...but something tells me that no matter how much it kills me, you just might be worth it. I just wish you knew...REALLY KNEW.

NUMB -july 14-

Sometimes I wish I was numb, you know...not care about what other people say, think, do, or feel. Maybe then, I wouldn't worry so much how I would speak, think, react, or feel either. Because now, I'm too self-conscious, too forgiving, too gullible, too righteous even, and I try to just please everybody else's taste buds before my own. Then in the end, I realize that I should put myself first and before other sometimes, but most of the time, it's already too late and the damage to my self-confidence has already been inflicted.

Sometimes I wish I was numb so I don't have to be my own worst enemy. A lot of times, I defeat myself with my own thoughts that build up. Often, they sound like I overthought them, but really, are word vomit; they all just come out when I think the "right" time has come. But more times than not, it' not the right time. In fact, more often than not, my timing couldn't be at its worse.

Sometimes I wish I was numb so I can save me from myself. Hell, it'd be nice if someone else can do it for me, and save me from myself. I just don't wanna hurt anybody else. I don't wanna hurt myself anymore. I'm just so tired of this emotional pain, and the constant worrying and anxiety I feel.

Sometimes I wish I was numb, because to me, to be numb is to be normal.