Her Heart

Shout out to my homie Myke B. for sharing this wonderful album with me, "The Point of It All" by Anthony Hamilton. I have this connection with his soulful voice and his truthful music and right now, this album couldn't describe things more perfectly [well at least some of the tracks do]. 

My chest is hurting as I write this blog and I don't know the physical aspect of it BUT I do know why it is emotionally. Lately, I've been going through so much of those emotions, even when I feel blank. And it seems like when I felt blank, the next emotion triggered is intensified to the point where I'd feel it physically as well. 

I saw a telecast of a traditional Filipino wedding a little while ago and it was so comforting to see and feel the love of the couple even through the screen. I was thinking to myself, "She waited that long and I guess it was all worth it because the way he looks at her is proof enough of how purely he loves her" and I said to myself that I want something like that someday. I guess that love was strong enough even for me cuz my blank 'IDGAF' attitude from the other day turned into a cascade of emotions that physically embodied tears. It was a beautiful ceremony and it was a beautiful moment but it made me think of my own relationships.

Long story short, I'm really bad at them. I'm really starting to think that I'm not bound for those types of things. I don't like blaming myself or even pitying myself but there comes a point when you just start to think that out of all those 'bad' relationships and misunderstandings & miscommunications, YOU are the common denominator. I am the common denominator. So I start opening up to my mom a little bit and I told her that I don't think anyone I've met is strong enough to handle me. Then she said, "Maybe it's cuz you're very demanding?" asking me whether or not this was the case and automatically I said "No I'm not...but what do you mean?"

She said she didn't really mean anything behind it but it was simply an idea but it made me think...maybe the things that I think are little, like certain things I believe are only "the little things I ask for" are the most demanding. Maybe my moodswings themselves are too demanding for anyone to put up with. Maybe the attention I ask for, the little communication I seek, and the understanding and patience for my sometimes insecure self are the most demanding, and those make it hard for me to love. Am I really that hard to love?

I don't wanna sound cynical, but lately I've been feeling that way. I try not to be, which results in my 'IDGAF' shut down, numb attitude, like I don't care anymore. But once I start to really feel, it all shows that I do. I'm crying while I write this and I'm kinda iffy saying that but I'm trying this new method of owning up to how I feel, because maybe, that'll empower me and make me feel ok. 

My insecurities become exposed and my weaknesses are strengthened. I'm the eldest and my two siblings are in relationships and I know this. I'm not affected by it, well I wasn't, until my mom jokingly said "Haha, who would have thought you would be the only one left without someone?!" I laughed. That's all I could have done. But it hurts to admit these different things I'm going through. I have so many other things to think about and other priorities on my mind, other things worth mentioning and talking about, and it hurts that they become overshadowed by FEELINGS. 

My chest still hurts, and it prolly always will. My tears are dropping anymore...at least for now. "Her Heart" is on repeat so the tears will prolly come back, but I'm letting myself cry because either way, it still hurts so I might as well let it flow naturally. I wanna be young again, so I can just run to my mom or my dad whenever I cried and their hug will make me hush up and feel better. But I'm afraid this time, it won't work even if I ran to them and they hushed me up. 

I don't think I'm gonna post anything for a while...until I figure some things out. Nothing against you, but I think I've been sharing too much of myself. I'm just gonna try & figure things out myself. Hopefully I can without blogging [my venting]. 

Wish me luck...

Goodnight for now.