Monday, December 7, 2009

Another lesson learned.


Do you know the worst kind of feeling there is? It's the feeling you get when someone makes you look and feel stupid against your will, when you think you're fighting for the right thing, and hey, since we're being honest here, lemme just say, I'm left with that feeling every time there is an encounter with the most important man in my life, but even those close encounters don't compare to the worst public act of stupidity stunt you pulled. Too bad I was the catcher of it all.

One major pet peeve I have is when people ignore, but this issue, well this I can't even call a pet peeve, cuz to me, pet peeves are pesky little childish things that bother people, but this instant was too great to go unnoticed and be considered childish...although if you come to think of it, it can be considered a bit that.

Anyways, lemme get to the point. I hate feeling and looking stupid. And that's exactly how I felt after last night [this morning]...after finding out that that one arrangement I was referring to was more like a friendship, and not an open relationship or anything of that sort. But see, the thing is, I had no idea it was just a friendship. I asked if it was DIRECTLY, and thing is, he got mad saying I wasn't getting him, and that I would never hear that F word come out from him...so I tried to further understand just what exactly he was tryna say. 

So then come a few weeks later, I write a blog cuz as always, I didn't wanna say anything, and once again, my blog entry became the opening port to finally discuss this stand still issue, and damn was it addressed. But at the end of it all, I was left feeling stupid. And looking back, I looked stupid thinking I was in some kinda different relationship than what really was when I clearly remember saying FROM JUMP that if anything changes, to please let know as SOON AS IT HAPPENS. Ummm, I don't know if this is a ridiculous call, BUT ima go ahead and say that you didn't just all of a sudden realize this at 3 o'clock in the morning, when you had asked me if the blog was about you.

You made me look like an asshole in front of my friends that one weekend, and real talk, I didn't feel that way then or even an hour before we had THIS particular conversation but that's how I feel NOW, looking back at it. If I woulda known where I stood then with you, it woulda been easier to handle that situation, or any other situation for that matter. If you woulda directly told me we're just friends now, I woulda handled situations differently, maybe saved me a few tears here and there, and then some.

Thing is, I shoulda known I woulda felt stupid when I didn't say exactly what it was that I shoulda said. Shit, my dad makes me feel stupid every single time I do that to him, but thing is, at least he would directly tell me how he feels right then and there instead of tryna go around saying things that imply what he really meant. And you know what, THAT is the worst part about this all. You said from jump some things you wanted me to know from the beginning and I said some things I wanted you to know from the beginning, and that was the most important thing I emphasized. Let me know when your feelings change, if where I stand with you changes, if anything changes.

Cuz maybe if you did, I wouldn't have fallen for you this much. You knew I was falling hard, so why didn't you catch and stop me from falling instead? I wouldn't be upset this much. I wouldn't have cried this much. I wouldn't be hurting this much. You said I shouldn't put so much into you. You said I shouldn't cry so much over you. You said I shouldn't be directly affected by what you do. And you said you didn't wanna hurt me. But the one thing you said you didn't wanna do, you did anyway.

Cuz it hurt to know something wasn't the same, something wasn't right from my gut, but I didn't say anything and THAT was my bad. But for you to know that something wasn't the same and not tell me, well that did it. So much for not keeping anything from each other. 
 
But hey, I guess the blame can't be all on one person, right? Man, I shoulda just listened to my instincts. I shoulda mailed you that letter I wrote when I first felt like I should move on from having feelings for you. But I didn't and I can't change that now. Man, you shoulda just told me because I'm so much stronger than this, but I feel so weak sometimes, when I'm not knowing what's going on, and I'm left confused. I shoulda just said something, but it is what it is.

Thanks for FINALLY telling me wussup. I guess I kinda knew then, but hey, I really do now. Now, I really don't even know what to say anymore. For once, my mind has slowed down, and it's kinda blank. Hmm, maybe I need some time to really just be me. NO ands, ifs, or buts. Maybe next time, I'll trust my instincts better. Better yet, maybe next time, I'll address myself when I think my dad is in the wrong, that way maybe, I'll be able to speak up when something changes...

This is in no way to bash you, but this was exactly why I wasn't letting myself admit to feelings for you before cuz I didn't wanna get in way too deep with you, but something happened and I fell anyways. I'm really just tryna organize my thoughts now since I clearly don't do that well in person. I'm just really tryna understand things and not be upset anymore. I don't wanna cry anymore. Thing is, after me, you might just come across the one you'll spend a couple to a few years with, maybe even marry, cuz real talk, that seems to happen to those who've encountered me before...I seem to have the real life "Good Luck Chuck" syndrome. 

So I wish you well, and I wish me well. Thanks for letting me realize I can let my guards down and care that much about someone, because I didn't think I would ever be able to...but for now, they're climbing back up.


2 comments:

  1. I feel some kind of anger in here, personally i think that's a step up from a sad tone. Anger-it causes a change, an action.

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  2. I feel you on this, but you shouldn't seclude yourself so much because you'll be hiding a part of you that has much to offer. Stay up.

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