Baby Steps

I was watching The Nanny earlier and one particular episode just reinforced the
idea I've had swirling around my mind:you seek out men who remind you of your
father and your relationship with him. If you chase after your father's love
and acceptance, you will always be subconsciously drawn to men who do the
same to you.

My mom told me that, ironically enough. If you don't a shaky relationship
with yourdad, you will end up with the same issues with the man that you
end up with.

Take today for example. I went with my parents to go to the Apple store in
Fashion Valley. Now mind you, my dad has never been to that mall. So he starts
driving and to my knowledge, he made it sound like he knew exactly what he was
doing. We were driving around for damn near an hour and still didn't find the
place. Guess he didn't know! Funny thing was, I told him which freeway to take
and tried to explain to him that the mall we kept seeing and going in circles
in was NOT the mall we were looking for. I shouldn't have said anything in the
first place cuz then he kept insisting that I have a wrong/bad sense of
direction. I just shut up after 5 tries.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my dad dearly. I think very highly of him and
think he's one of the best men you'll ever meet...but it's just really
difficult to get your way because he always seems to think he's right. Then
he seems to blame me for
the 'wrong' things.

I notice that's why I don't like speaking up to him cuz he gets mad. Well,
come to think of it, that's prolly why I don't speak my mind even when my
thoughts go from 0 to 100 in 1 second. See how that affects my relationship
with men? If you ask [him],and he knows who I'm talking about,
he'd tell you  that it's very difficult for me to express myself and
I don't do too well in arguments. I bottle things inside, not necessarily
holding a grudge, but because
I think it'll be okay not to address the issue, but in the end, one thing will
trigger it and I just explode. I don't blame my dad, or anything like that,
but I'm really starting to believe that it's the root of the issue.

The funny thing is, I remember being so much closer to my dad than my mom
when I was way younger.
So lately, I've been tryna find a way to mend this relationship with my dad.
I don't wanna come off angry or seem like I'm attacking him, but I really
wanna address it, because really, in the end, I'd want a man who is as great
as my father is...and by that time,
I hope this setback will be resolved. Until then, I'll be taking one
little step at a time...