Friday, December 4, 2009

D.N.A


I can't talk to certain people unless I'm in the right mindset. Usually, that mindset falls under "patient" or "happy" or "hyper" or all of the above...otherwise, I would just end up upset. It's like a ball really. One day it's up, another day it bounces back down...and just like a ball, sometimes it's unpredictable. Sometimes it won't go up because the ball would be flat. Sometimes it jumps and bounces really high because it was pumped up more so it has alot more air than usual.

"Hurt people hurt people." I can't say I never heard that before because I have, but I never really knew it applied to me. They say "hurt people" don't know how to trust people because they have their guards way the hell up since they have been abused one way or another. They also say that those who care the least have the most power in any relationship. They say this is because they could really give a fuck what the other does to and for them, no matter how good. They say this leads back to being a "hurt person".

But who the fuck is "they"? Who the fuck generalized all these things about "hurt people" that they must apply? I guess, yeah, some people really do these things because they have been in pain for one reason or another. People, including myself, have gone through phases where trust wasn't even mentioned in their vocabulary because they forget how to do that. Most were emotionally hurt, some physically. And some people, as a result, just really forgot how to give a flying fuck about anyone and anything.

Personally, I don't think it should be an excuse. I've been hurt before and I used to always get in and out of "almost relationships" because I got bored and I got tired of having one person to talk to all the time and what not. IDK one reason or another, I'd find it to get away from that person BECAUSE I was hurt early on...when people are usually just starting to really get a hang of not being a kid anymore. Maybe that was the problem because I was so young and I really didn't understand how to deal with that kind of emotion. 

I was a freshman in high school then and I had a boyfriend in the beginning of a school year, but we had been talking since middle school and we had been friends since elementary school. So naively, I thought "Oh this is gonna work out because I've known him for sooo long..." WRONG! because two months after we had started going out, he did the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. He went back to his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend because she said she still loved him and he clearly still loved her! But even worse, he didn't just break up with me to run back to her, he cheated on me with her before he had the balls to break up with me over the phone when he lived across the street from me then. I cried ALOT! & I had never cried over a boy before in my life! It hurt sooooo much and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know who to talk to, so I kept everything inside. I became more quiet and less social and slowly but surely the walls started building up...and from then on, they've been up, and from then on, the relationships I've ever had went down the drain. And I never wanted to admitted it because I've forgiven and forgotten about him [he's not even in my life anymore], but that incident has been burying me ever since then. Not directly because I have no feelings for him anymore, but being in that pain that first time has made me a "hurt person" and it kinda shaped how I've been.

So it brings me back to now. I still believe that I'm a hurt person, but I know I'm better. I let my guard down last year...COMPLETELY. I wasn't looking for anything and I knew it because my new year's resolution was not to get into anything with the opposite sex...but I guess "they" were right! You tend to get something when you least expect it, when you're not even looking. It just tends to fall on your lap, or stroll right next to you, then SPARK! There it goes. Of course I was reluctant, but I let my walls down a little more every waking day, until came the day when I finally said "...that's why I like you..." and there it went. I thought it was secure; I thought I was secure and it was safe to let them down and KEEP them down.

But I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't that secure. "Hurt people hurt people." Just so happened that I let my walls down to someone who is a "hurt person" like myself. I thought it was safe because he started doing so so I was encouraged to do the same. I would even be the person to share my life lessons and positivity just so he doesn't feel bad after sharing the personal things to me. But now I feel like my walls all came down and I have nothing else to offer. Now I feel like my walls are starting to creep up, trying to reach the old summit they were used to seeing. 

The thing is though, I'm not the same hurt person I was before, and I don't wanna climb back to my security walls, to my comfort zone. I'm more patient now. I can say I've grown and matured, and admitting that incident impacted me more than I would like to think is a huge step for me to take. I wanna be more understanding towards those who are "hurt" like I was- like I am. And with that being said, that's exactly how & why I know I won't hurt anyone and everyone I love...not anyone I am in a relationship with. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to. I wanna go back to the radiant me...before this past Spring. The same girl who had lots of vibrant things to say, who brightened days with smiles and positive thoughts and words of encouragement. I don't wanna be the girl who gets upset over the little things, like I'm suffering from a mid-life crisis. I don't wanna be angry. I don't wanna be worried. I don't wanna walk around with my [broken] heart on my sleeve. 

I'm listening to Mario's newest CD [shout out to thisismycool for that] and I relate to all twelve songs. I think it's so clever how he named his album D.N.A. because DNA is what makes up who we are. This album exposes him and his feelings, and me relating to it, I feel like these words are what I am made of. Unfortunately, it emphasizes the hurt that makes me and the strong feelings of love I have in and within me, but it is overshadowed by the different pains I've gone through in my life, and somehow still goes through because I'm such an emotional wreck sometimes. I really don't wanna be characterized as that kind of person. I don't wanna leave that effect on people when they encounter me. I don't wanna wait for a "good thing" to come my way because I know that I'm a good thing, myself. I don't wanna feel "Stranded" feeling this way. I don't wanna have a "Soundtrack to my Broken Heart". I don't wanna say "I Miss My Friend" every time I start "Thinkin' About You". But for now, I am because that's become a part of who I am & what I'm made of. For now, that is my D.N.A. but maybe tomorrow, it'll be different. Maybe more smiling genes will attack these hurt ones and secrete them, until then, lemme learn how to keep things from crawling back up to their top, scared of being seen. & when that day comes, trust when I'll say "I Choose You".


2 comments:

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  2. I feeeel this. When I hear 'hurt', it takes me back to my 2nd ex (of 3). I dont think I'd ever forget that foo, and like I just thank him. It's just crazy how boys, esp those who are sposed to care for yu, the ones you are most vulnerable to, just snatch that shit and do what THEY want wit it.

    From then, i THOUGHT i had build up some walls. I mean they're there. Its just weak. I'm a person who likes comfort, and when I see an opportunity its like walls vanish, and I would like to change that about myself. Cuz that leads me to rushed relationships and just other shit thats just not like me (the whole thing i told yu about home dude).

    SO yeah imma quit venting lol. <3 See ya laterrrrr

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