Outpouring.

I think I changed. I’m gonna be honest. But I think we both did. I dont know if i can handle knowing that you can technically still do someone else and even worse, i dont think i can handle knowing that one day, you’re gonna all of a sudden tell me ur leaving and i cant do anything for you to stay because technically, i dont even have the right to really care.

I changed because I want to move forward. I want a secure and stable relationship. I want you and I care about you, and in case you didnt already know, I love you. I’ve been so scared to say that, and I still am because I didn’t wanna say it and you not feel the same way about me because I know it’ll just hurt me, but what I didnt know was that it would still hurt keeping it inside and just agree to this arrangement we have. Yup, that’s exactly what it is. We don’t have a relationship, we have an arrangement. An understanding. 

But you’re not here to rescue me anymore. You don’t want the same thing as me anymore. You’re not ready for something I want, and you can’t provide that for me right now...and maybe at all, and that’s the saddest part- I just don’t know if it is worth me even staying and holding on to you until now.

You’ve given me so many signs that say I should leave. You literally told me to leave and just be “platonic” because it would be best for me...and to me, that sounds like it would be best for you too if we were just “platonic”. But stupid me, I couldn’t admit it to myself that I can’t get you to stick to just me. I can’t and will never be able to influence your decisions, just like you’ve influenced mine. I used to be okay with that but I think I’ve changed. I don’t wanna have to schedule appointments with you, or try and catch you every time you’re not busy, just so I can see your face, or talk to you for even a bit. I  don’t wanna be the only one to hit you up because I actually try and find time for you despite my tiring, busy, and frustrating day.  

I changed. I don’t wanna cry about how much I care about you and how much I wish to pour that affection to you, but you won’t let me. I get so confused because I always try to deny things, making me think that I’m just being extra or I’m just trippen. But, no I’m not. I don’t wanna have to guess whether tomorrow will be a good or bad day between you and I, after today had been all smiles. I don’t wanna have to ask myself whether or not I should say that because it will ultimately upset him and we’ll just end up in another argument.

I’ve been patient and agreeing to your requests and things because they were the only ways I was able to be in touch with you, whenever you needed something, or the issue had something to do with you...but I’ve been patient and quiet about it all because I know how hurt you’ve been and I wanna show you that I won’t hurt you and will do anything for you, but that’s selfish of me- selfish to my own self.

You have caused me so much stress and tears, because I put it upon myself to think about you constantly and miss you and hold on to you, but I miss the old me. I miss the glowing and GENUINELY smiling Julieanne, back when my smiles looked and FELT real, from the inside too and not just the outside. I don’t wanna say I regret meeting you, but I was much better before I admitted to having feelings for you. I just wanna know how and when did it get to this?! When did we switch roles and when did the power spill all over your side of the pendulum? I never thought I would be that girl I used to make fun of and promised myself not to be...but like i said, I've changed.

I hope I'm not wrong. I hope my instincts don't fail me now.

2:09am