Thursday, April 1, 2010

My mind is racing


and oddly enough, my heart is steady pacing. Lately, my mind has been clouded by recurring thoughts.

Thoughts about love. Thoughts about school. Thoughts about success. Thoughts about my future. Thoughts about my relationships. Thoughts about where I stand.


I haven't really blogged lately, and it's not because I have nothing to say...honestly, I just haven't found the energy to write down everything I have without censoring it and making sense of it. I guess I'm drained, emotionally. I'm tired all the time.

Lately, I've been thinking and feeling like the people who I thought I knew are mere reflections of the surfaces I've simply scratched...if that. After mentor practicum, I feel like I don't really know anybody. Yeah, I've gotten to know myself and have gotten a bit more comfortable with who I am me, but with that said, I feel like I've been disconnected from all the realities I thought I had about my relationships.

I honestly feel like I'm always on the surface, and even when I look back and reflect on my interactions with people, my heart just feels empty. The scary part is...IDK why that is. I feel numb. I feel as if I'm in my own little world, literally. I feel like I am able to express myself better but at the same time, it's harder for me to absorb when people express themselves to me. Not to say that I don't truly listen to them because I do...I just feel like a sponge though. Absorbing all that information only to squeeze it right back out.

I feel like there's so much I want to do, and so much I am capable of doing, yet I feel stuck in the mud. Take today for example. It was a long day. Rehearsal, two trainings, paperwork, meetings...and an email stating that I am subjected to academic disqualification. How did I get here? I used to be so good at being a student. Now, it's like I don't even wanna do the same thing that used to drive me. Now it just feels like a chore.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my thoughts...and I guess, I forget about my feelings that I'm numbed. Sometimes, it feels like a stroke...my mind is paused and somehow dead but my body is still alive. I don't like thinking this way because I don't wanna disappoint my mother, my father, my family...myself. I have these high expectations then I get so tired of reaching up to them, then I get confused. And I feel like I have no right to complain or vent to anyone else because I set them for myself, and people don't wanna hear a failure.

Sometimes, I just wanna sleep and pray. Dream until the next day, then maybe things can be better. I know struggle is a part of life and that I'm closer to God when I struggle. I guess, I'm getting really close to Him, and not to use His name in vain, but maybe, my prayers are paying off because he sees me now since I feel like I'm at a constant state of suffering. Even when I try or am goofy or silly, there's always a state of seriousness, state of emergency, inside my head...just waiting to blow up.

Today is different. It feels more like a cardiac arrest, a heart attack if you will. My mind is racing, fingers typing excessively, but my heart is quiet. It feels like it's surrounded by fat- it cannot move. SIGHS. Thank you Erykah Badu for quieting my thoughts. They were getting too loud that my head is starting to hurt. My vision is almost impaired because it's getting to the point where my eyes have to squint, it hurts that badly.

I'm done for now. That's all my heart would let me share for me.


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