Sunday, July 4, 2010

4th of July.

You know that feeling you get when you just feel like a complete fuck up?
I've been feeling that way for the past 2 weeks or so.

Sometimes, a lot more of the times lately, I've been feeling like I should be isolated somewhere where I can no longer upset, disappoint, offend, or hinder anyone.

I do not know what has gotten into me, but today...I've managed put back up into a trashbin and put a small dent on my car from either that or having a rock fly into it. I've been physically tired and ached from the past few weeks. Maybe few years.

I have been sheltered all my life. I was taught to live in fear. Fear of my father, my parents. Fear of consequences. Fear of rejection, and fear of failure. So I try so hard to be perfect and free of mistakes, yet it is during those times when I try to rid myself of dirt that I get demolished by a bulldozer.

I'm tired of disappointing my mom, especially my dad, with things he tells me NOT to do. As hard as I try not to, shit happens and I end up doing the very thing he tells me not to. The fear and the pressure leads me to it. It attracts me to it. I don't wanna blame him or anyone cuz it is not his fault, but my own.

I'm too fearful. Too cautious. Too meek, weak, to make these mistakes and keep them from happening. My fear hinders me from living because I'm too afraid of the consequences. I become a pushover because I no longer do what I want, but do what I need in order to keep others from confronting me and making THEM happy. That's too much pressure if you ask me, yet I put in on my shoulders to bear.

I want to live in an isolated bubble where I can no longer worry. No longer be afraid of whatever consequence my actions will bring. Therefore, I won't need to rely on anyone else for anything else. Only myself. I won't need to be sheltered. I can only be me. It is, afterall, the day of freedom for all- even me.

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