I'm trying to wet my feet with this thing one more time. Little by little...I'm writing again. I find it ironic that I only get to write when I am bothered, sad, or anything not so positive. As if I can only keep records of the bad things, but I guess it's because it is from those times when I learn the most and the grow the most.
So I guess this post is about "the energy invested in someone I saw potential in"...funny, I'm listening to July by Drake for many reasons and that line came in as soon as I started this paragraph...how appropriate. But I guess lemme start by how "appropriate" this song is right now. The weather is actually looking more like summer, with the sun and the heat coming out. But it's like as soon as the sun rose outside, the rain started falling inside. No more tears, but still the tangles are there. I wish it was like that Johnson & Johnson stuff but it's not.
It's just so complicated because I partly make it so. "You had to change up the game oh the weather is not same..." Damn. It's the same old shit. Alone at night, not even on the phone...so I get to hear my heart speak and think.
What makes it even more ironic...I wasn't thinking about it. I fall asleep and wake up at 1am after a terrible dream involving this said individual....and another woman. The same real life feelings in a dream setting. Damn, sounds too familiar.
What makes all this worse? I'm now starting to realize just how much being in a relationship means to my family...and me. My dad got four free tickets to the Del Mar Fair. My mom walks into my room with the tickets. I'm laying down, about to fall asleep, sister on the computer. She says something to me about us going to the fair...then my dad speaks loudly from the other room, saying "No, only for the couples..." Now, thinking back at it, I think maybe I was in the living room with them, watching TFC not laying down when he said this...yes that was it! My mom mentioned it again after she showed me the tickets, and when he said that, I simply walked away.
Simple comment. Far more complex implications on my behalf. I'm the only one in my family without a committed relationship, besides my grandmother and my little cousins who are not of age yet. I'm starting to realize more and more that...the things I want, I can't have....ever.
It goes with clothes and shopping, and relationships. I'm not cut out for this shit. My blogs are always backed by love and passion....but despite it all, I'm just not personally cut out for relationships. I'm just gonna give up on it all. I have other things I have going for me, so I should just focus on everything else that I do well in. I guess I can't have it all.
Everything but the most important thing to me. I guess I can't have it all. But I guess that just means I'll be successful. But what is success without someone to share it with? Yeah, people might say and have said...oh you're still so young, don't worry about it. Yeah, sure thing...but if you think about it. I will be 20 in exactly 3 weeks. It takes years to get to know someone, build a foundation and trust, and really be in tune with someone. Shit it took me 19 years to even be slightly in tune with who I am...so what makes you think I'm too young to worry? How dare you tell me not to worry when I genuinely am concerned?
Enough. I've given up. No, not on love, but just me finding a true one. I guess if I wanted, I can just look at my parents. Or my sister and her 2 and 1/2 year happy, strong relationship with Josh. Or my brother and his 1 year love affair with Adriana. Or my cousins and their children. Or....the list goes on. Just don't look in the mirror.