"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

So my shawtayyy finally found the book I've heard about since hmmm, the beginning of 2009. She gave it to me earlier today, as well as my ring, as her birthday present for me. Yeah, sorry baby, you can't have me anymore, unfortunately, cuz I'm already taken ;) [jk babeeeeee! explanations come later] 

Anywhooo, so back to me reading this book right. I started reading and I found myself hooked on it, like not wanting to stop. If you know me, you'd know I absolutely detest reading so I was kinda shocked myself. But maybe I was hooked cuz I somehow was able to relate to the content and the information written by a man, as if I, myself, was directly getting the advice from one. Which kinda brings me to my other point...

I was going through my P.I.C.'s old blog entries from even before we met, and surprise surprise, she had similar if not identical thoughts on that four letter word. Yeah, I know we're friends for a reason but it's just pretty crazy to me how similar our views are when it comes to that department. I mean I haven't even met her yet she already shared these thoughts. Now, here's the entry I'm speaking of...[I know, I know...I swagga jacked you with a couple other entries, forgive me, but I'm tryna prove a point here]

when you two have the same amount of fun during the day as you do at night..

when chicken sandwiches bring you both immeasurable joy... && eating time turns into 'silent, happy time' (for like 10 minutes cuz you're both fatties)

when chillen becomes a full on activity, equipped with missions that always lead up to perfect sexxin...

when you're willing to try anything when you're together just cuz u don't want him/her to call u a weenie (except .... && that one bungee jump 'ride' at 6 flags)

when his ashy hands and her constantly shedding weave are considered a part of their everyday, charming swag && you start to look past it && stop offering lotion && combs...

when you threaten someone you've known for forever just cuz they're going a liiiittle too hard on them...

when you're both willing to bust SUPER thirsty missions and pay friends gas money that neither of you really have... just to see them

when your conversations flow so easily that you lose track of time (&& curfews... woops)

when you two can account for and tell stories from every level of friendship you've covered over a looooong ass period of time (with aim logs, insiders, pictures, voice-mails and emails to reinforce em)

when you're able to tease the other person because u know they can't live without you. :-]

when activities you usually do with that person become LACKLUSTER when you do them with someone else...

when they're your motivation for getting a car, finding a job, or begging for gas money everyday...

when spurts of jealousy arise cuz you know they're out with someone else.. && having fun that you're not responsible for...

when you can't sleep the night before you two have something semi-big planned...

when u call 911 for their dying asssss on a date night

when you go to the museum for em. (lmao oh, MOCA)

when you change the song in the car cuz you know they don't like it, but won't ever tell you cuz they know you love it :-]

when even though u say u never wanna talk to them again... you constantly check up on em on myspace, blogspot, or away msgs...

when their name in your phonebook changes every time some new insider pops up, or whenever they're acting like a dickhead (>:o)

when no matter how f.ckin mad you are at each other, you still listen to eeeeverything the other has to say to you, without interrupting...

when they still wanna be with you despite all the explicit, disrespectful things you've said to them...

when their tears make you cry...

when the biggest fuck-up occurs and you consider looking past it, despite knowing what the best solution is...

when they'll always have a place in your heart, no matter what

when you reflect on your past relationship... && smile instead of cry... && honestly hope the best for them, even though you're not a part of their life anymore

Most of those are on point, and ironically, she was referring to someone she was in (four-letter word) with...and frankly, I never thought about this, cuz I never felt that about anyone, so I wasn't bothered persay, I just kinda had it in the back of my mind and forgot about it...then I start reading this book, and then the same thought came back, and really, I'm not tryna think about it too much, honestly because I really don't know what to think about it...not in a bad way or anything like that either.

LOL, now I feel like this particular blog is pointless, but I'm simply writing my train of thought as I type. Not that I'm scared that someone might see it and bounce, or I'm scared of admitting that, no I just don't really know...oh heck, maybe I am a little. Well, I just know I have this person who unexpectedly came into my life, literally, walked right by me, and I didn't say anything, thinking what are the odds...and next thing you know, there he was, well still is...and I've never felt so appreciative for someone, other than my family, and every time, I feel more thankful to even have him still there everyday. 

I was only joking when I said you can't have me up there ^^^. I know he's said it before, but frankly, he has me at a place where no one's had me before. And it's not to put pressure on him, and add to his idea of that "99 to 1%" thing. It just feels good to have these feelings, even when I get frustrated or upset, for someone who I always want to be happy, because just being him makes me happy, and as much as possible be there for. It's not hard to explain, I'd rather keep the other solid things to myself. I know one thing is certain, I [   .] you.

Simpin ass muhfuckahhh...wtf J?! Hmm, not simpin, just being honest.

***Engaged.

["I Wanna Be" by Avant started playing on iTunes...ironically.]

Digging for G[old] stuff...

Since I started summer school today, I've been up since 6am and now I'm stuck home, alone...which led me to finding this in E's blog...thought it was useful, not just for me, but for many others!

so J... being the 'BAUCE' that she is, shares a bit of knowledge and reasoning that i noticed just happens to be stored in our minds naturally...

after several minutes of trying to calm her down she's like

"aye. u just gotta realize that girls and dudes aredifferent. you can't expect him to react the same way u would in a situation. in his mind, he was being REALconsiderate just by answering your call on a saturday night while he's out with his friends in the first place... on TOP of pausing his night, he attempts to calm u down and make u feel better instead of just sayin 'lemme call u back'... of course you're gonna be rushed off the phone, who would wanna have a deep ass discussion on a saturday night while they're out with their buddies and shit? ur trippen right now,just go to sleep."

She was referring to me, J, in case you ain't know! Not on some conceited, tooting my own horn kinda shit, but yeah I do give some bomb advice. Seek it if you need it :)

some shit that's been circling in my noggin...

you never forget who your number one is. they make it hard to remember anyone else.

it's imperative that it's mutual tho... or else you set yourself up to be played... be confident with where you and the one you love stand. and don't forget your agreements and promises... they're made for a reason...

u don't wanna be a victim of this particular agreement, would you?:

*takes place some time before saaaaay... one of these two leave for a long trip* 

"attractive male: u think we should have a nice open relationship?

attractive male: cause i kno i will always put u b4 anybody else

fine young lady: yea same here

fine young lady: but define open...

attractive male: everybody else pretty much gets played

fine young lady: lmao"

then again... how would you know?

it's really easy to get caught up in some dumb shit...

really... easy

But for other things, I make sure to go to this beezie, E, and she gives me this...well something like it. That's just how we work :)

General Overview

So here's the gist of what happened on my birthday!

-Behind schedule so we didn't leave until 9am

-Checked in at the Monrovia Marriot by 11:30ish

-Drove to Pasadena to get Will.

-Got William and introduced him to friends

-Ate at Roscoes

-Then the driving all day started (well it felt like it)

-Started with the Fashion/Garment District

-Then tried to get to Melrose to shop

-Got lost so ended up at a wack mall

-Then tried to go shop at Oldtown Pasadena but got stuck in traffic for an hour and a half 

-Drove to hotel instead.

-Girls got food, and so did I, cuz I was hungry ;)

-Got my birthday present MWAHAHAHAHAH!

-Got some Panda Express.

-Saw a lil of Mamma Mia on HBO.

-Took pics infront of hotel after check out (412 marriot)

-Dropped off Will.

-Drive back home started with some slow jams

-Stopped at an AMPM in Laguna Woods

-Jerked on the way inside.

-Asked for free ice cream to play around and got it!

-Drove the rest of the way home :)

-Espresso Truffle from Starbucks right before midnight...

-Midnight jammin at the beach.

-Catchin up til 3 am 

Overall, nineteenth birthday was fun! Extension this Saturday, dinner and a movie with friends :)

***ON TOP!

P.S. I was blown away. Forget the red dot, it was all about me getting back. 

Nineteen on Thirty

So since insomnia has decided to attack and successfully defeat me once again, I decided to make use of this lack of sleep, and eat a strawberry Uncrustables™ and blog.

Happy birthday to me,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Happy birthday, 

Happy birthday.

Happppppyyyy BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYY to meeeeeee! 

:)

Signs

You know it's pretty funny that I've been getting all these signals that I should end it but I didn't wanna just throw away my feelings down the drain, cuz let's face it, it aint that easy! I've been getting these dreams that have confused me cuz they leave mixed messages and things of that sort. And to top it all off, my sister has been telling me to end it because supposedly there's nothing good that can come out of a long distance kinda deal. of course I got mad because I thought, man she doesnt know what she's talking about! 

So being the stubborn me, I kinda didn't really hear her out. Instead, I prayed last night to give me a sign and some clarity so I know what I should do...And next thing you know, I wake up to see "I neva want anotha gf Ima b a single father"

Ha! So much for signs right??!! Cuz there it was...it was pretty much all I needed to see. I was somewhat relieved cuz it kinda took away the confusion, then I got pretty mad cuz wtf was I doing, wasting my damn time and energy AND feelings on someone who didn't even wanna be with anyone?!

I've been hurt before and I know he has been too but please understand I know exactly what it's like to get fucked over by the one you truly care about, like they didn't give two shits about talking to you or seeing you! But that's exactly why I know I will be there for someone I care about 100% cuz I don't ever wanna be the  person who causes that kind of pain that other people have caused me! I just wish he really knew that because I will be here and there, strong enough, as long as he will accept it. Call it what you want, that's just the person that I am.

***HURT

Dreams: Part Two

They say the things you dream about are either based on the things you fear or things you want most. According to Freud, it's because your instincts are hiding you deepest and darkest fears and desires through them. Which brings me to exhibits A and B.

I woke up at 6:43 am today from a dream that I was waiting at the doctor's office patiently and quietly by myself, then suddenly, an elderly Filipino man comes in and starts talking to me. I didn't mind it at first until he asked if I would spend the rest of the day with him. That's when things got really uncomfortable for me. Then another man comes in and I feel as if both of them were watching my every move. All of a sudden, the doctor finally comes out and blurts out saying, "You owe me for this, big time" with a $1300 tab on his hand. Not only did that make me even more uncomfortable, it made me confused- in the dream and right now, as I'm recalling it.

In the same sequence of dreams, a few reels before the uncomfortable doctor visit, I found myself dreaming, as if it were reality. I was laying down the same way I did last night, then I all of a sudden wake up really early and still quite dark (like I did this morning, when I started writing this) to a series of text messages with my mind on one in particular. It was in response to a picture message I sent to someone. Then all of a sudden, the series of messages all became visible, and they all just so happened to come from the same sender. One of which made me particularly happy in the dream, and it said something to the effect of, "I wish I could have a baby now..." Then as soon as I read that, I found myself in the doctor's office.

It's crazy to think about these dreams and try to even begin to analyze what they mean, because recently, I've been getting similar ones like the first series. They all resemble each other simply because they could easily be reality: the scenery, the event, and the emotions are so similar to what really is, which is the mere action and reaction of getting a text message, a BBM, or a call. It portrays a desire, but sometimes, the fact that I cannot tell dreams from reality is the most frightening. I would really wake up in reality and check my phone to make sure whether or not it was real, and often times than not, it was but a dream.

Mentality

Maybe it's my mentality that I gotta change. I'm over here thinking that if you're dating or seeing someone, you should share everything with them...and with me, everything literally means EVERYTHING! 

It's just unrealistic to share and even wanna share every little detail with your partner or whoever. And I think that's where my problem lies.

It just taps into the insecurity factor that I have. What do I mean by that? Basically, I just needa be strong and confident enough to be myself and stand up for my thoughts and feelings. You know, have that swagga. Just something I have to constantly remind myself cuz that's what attracted him to me in the first place. Also, that there are others who go through the same issue, heck, possibly even him too!

Dad

My dad always seems to lecture me when I do something wrong. And that used to piss me off and irritate me even more...but this time, he starts to lecture me when I'm tryna watch TV.

I'm watching 16 and Pregnant and he starts talking about how hard it is to raise a family and have a child at any age if you don't have money, especially harder at a young age. Talking about how they didn't think and that I should be smart so it doesn't happen to me.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate ALL the wisdom and advice he passes down to me, but sometimes, I'd rather just watch TV. Not to simply watch it, but I feel like when he lectures me, it causes me to overthink and worry about my family and what we go through. 

It seems like every night, I think about it because he or someone would remind me of how hard we have it going now, and I understand that, believe me I know because I think and feel it everyday. That's why I try not to think about it as much, but things like this remind me and it makes me feel weaker.

He tells me to be strong, to be wise, and to be smart and I appreciate it all, but sometimes I just wanna scream and say, "Dad, I know this already!" Because I wanna experience things for myself and because I don't agree with every aspect of his opinion. 

I feel rude and bad for even writing this but that's how I feel. But I know I'm a better person for the things  he tells me. I just wish that wasn't the only time we are able to talk.

***7/23/09

Dreams Part One

I don't know if I was awake or if I was dreaming, or maybe even both. But in that scene, there were a lot of people at a joyful gathering apparently, but I found myself sitting in a chair, all by myself. Funny, cuz I was having a good time before that particular scene then all of a sudden, I was just an outsider looking in, observing all the people, seeing their smiles but feeling like the emotion behind those smiles was so distant from where I was and who I was. 

Maybe that was a dream, but last night at Victor's house, everyone was drinking, singing, dancing, laughing, and just having a good time. Then the night went on, and soon I found myself sitting on the couch, surrounding by everyone still having fun, yet I felt like I was in my own little bubble, on my phone petting the dog. Even the conversation I was having through BBM seemed so distant, not only because geographically it was, but the feeling and the tone of it all seemed lackluster. Then as I was heading home with a few people, I felt the same deserted aura, and I found myself tearing up at the thought and finally, cried as soon as I laid down. Cried through the first half of my late night shower, then realized that I should just not bring up the things that cause me to feel that way...so I was fine, well kinda.

Then that resembling dream occurred.

***WEIRD

Insomnia kicks in.

SELFISH -july 13-

Sometimes we hurt the ones closest to us. I don't know any other reason why we do except that it feels good to do so. It makes us feel good and feel better. Maybe not all of us, but I realized that it makes me feel better about myself because I'm selfish. Now I could go on saying that I'm not selfish, but deep down inside, I really am. I always want things I know I can't and shouldn't have. As much as I think I'm being considerate of others' feelings I really am not, and in fact, end up hurting them instead of saving them the anguish with my stupid and hurtful questions and reactions.

People disappoint and upset me and as much as it looks like I'm okay with it and am patient and forgiving, deep down I like causing them the same emotion as pay back for what they've caused me. I am a selfish person.

But I don't wanna be this way anymore. I don't wanna feel this way any longer. I spend countless nights laying in bed, awake, contemplating and trying to search for the answers as to why somtimes, I find myself not wanting to eat or sleep. But the reason is me. I am my own enemy. I am selfish. And I'm sorry to those I've hurt, mainly my parents, siblings, and that one other person I truly care about. I continue to place burdens on their shoulders as I continue to rely on them for my own happiness when I know I shouldn't. I'm sorry. I truly am.

And in between those two trains of thoughts, a conversation occurred, and once again, it got the best of me, and as a result...more of them, those unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I wish i can just let go...but something tells me that no matter how much it kills me, you just might be worth it. I just wish you knew...REALLY KNEW.

NUMB -july 14-

Sometimes I wish I was numb, you know...not care about what other people say, think, do, or feel. Maybe then, I wouldn't worry so much how I would speak, think, react, or feel either. Because now, I'm too self-conscious, too forgiving, too gullible, too righteous even, and I try to just please everybody else's taste buds before my own. Then in the end, I realize that I should put myself first and before other sometimes, but most of the time, it's already too late and the damage to my self-confidence has already been inflicted.

Sometimes I wish I was numb so I don't have to be my own worst enemy. A lot of times, I defeat myself with my own thoughts that build up. Often, they sound like I overthought them, but really, are word vomit; they all just come out when I think the "right" time has come. But more times than not, it' not the right time. In fact, more often than not, my timing couldn't be at its worse.

Sometimes I wish I was numb so I can save me from myself. Hell, it'd be nice if someone else can do it for me, and save me from myself. I just don't wanna hurt anybody else. I don't wanna hurt myself anymore. I'm just so tired of this emotional pain, and the constant worrying and anxiety I feel.

Sometimes I wish I was numb, because to me, to be numb is to be normal.