Insomnia kicks in.

SELFISH -july 13-

Sometimes we hurt the ones closest to us. I don't know any other reason why we do except that it feels good to do so. It makes us feel good and feel better. Maybe not all of us, but I realized that it makes me feel better about myself because I'm selfish. Now I could go on saying that I'm not selfish, but deep down inside, I really am. I always want things I know I can't and shouldn't have. As much as I think I'm being considerate of others' feelings I really am not, and in fact, end up hurting them instead of saving them the anguish with my stupid and hurtful questions and reactions.

People disappoint and upset me and as much as it looks like I'm okay with it and am patient and forgiving, deep down I like causing them the same emotion as pay back for what they've caused me. I am a selfish person.

But I don't wanna be this way anymore. I don't wanna feel this way any longer. I spend countless nights laying in bed, awake, contemplating and trying to search for the answers as to why somtimes, I find myself not wanting to eat or sleep. But the reason is me. I am my own enemy. I am selfish. And I'm sorry to those I've hurt, mainly my parents, siblings, and that one other person I truly care about. I continue to place burdens on their shoulders as I continue to rely on them for my own happiness when I know I shouldn't. I'm sorry. I truly am.

And in between those two trains of thoughts, a conversation occurred, and once again, it got the best of me, and as a result...more of them, those unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I wish i can just let go...but something tells me that no matter how much it kills me, you just might be worth it. I just wish you knew...REALLY KNEW.

NUMB -july 14-

Sometimes I wish I was numb, you know...not care about what other people say, think, do, or feel. Maybe then, I wouldn't worry so much how I would speak, think, react, or feel either. Because now, I'm too self-conscious, too forgiving, too gullible, too righteous even, and I try to just please everybody else's taste buds before my own. Then in the end, I realize that I should put myself first and before other sometimes, but most of the time, it's already too late and the damage to my self-confidence has already been inflicted.

Sometimes I wish I was numb so I don't have to be my own worst enemy. A lot of times, I defeat myself with my own thoughts that build up. Often, they sound like I overthought them, but really, are word vomit; they all just come out when I think the "right" time has come. But more times than not, it' not the right time. In fact, more often than not, my timing couldn't be at its worse.

Sometimes I wish I was numb so I can save me from myself. Hell, it'd be nice if someone else can do it for me, and save me from myself. I just don't wanna hurt anybody else. I don't wanna hurt myself anymore. I'm just so tired of this emotional pain, and the constant worrying and anxiety I feel.

Sometimes I wish I was numb, because to me, to be numb is to be normal.

Happy Birthday Momma!

I didn't write a blog last night because I was actually proactive. I worked out for the first time in like two or so months. I walked to my old high school instead of getting a ride. And while I was waiting for my friend, I did a few bleachers. Then we ran and walked a lot of laps around the track and did more bleachers!

 Instead of waiting for someone to hit me up, I took the initiative to call, and frankly, it was because I was heated. So instead of acting like I usually would, I called and yelled at him for like a good 7 to 10 minutes. I see his point, yeah I understand and I got my questions answered but it felt good to release my anger and yell at someone for the first time...swear!

Anywhoo, today was a good day. It's the birthday of one of the most special people in the world to me! It's my mom's birthday. She just turned 48 but she's looking like she's in her late 30s haha.

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday, happy birthday,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA!

i loveeee her <3

Prolific

I have been writing quite alot...and I mean at least once everyday, before I go to bed. I'm grateful to have a Blackberry because I lowkey feel like Rev Run writing a daily entry. Well, it's nightly for me though because I find it very difficult to go to sleep most days, and the days when sleep does come easily, I still somehow find the time and energy to write because it's very important for me to release my thoughts. And since I don't really like talking and sharing them in person, I "speak" through my script. So here goes two more entires from last night.

Some ppl say they can't live without sumone after they're gone. I say we can, but we can't live the same way without that certain person because- for the better or for worse- they have changed our lives. We will forever have their memories within us because sumhow, they have shaped us and the way we live our lives.

I hate feeling vulnerable and feeling like I'm being pitied. I hate feeling like I need someone to complete me and feeling like my day would only be complete if I get a call or a text from a certain person. I used to make fun of girls of did that kinda stuff cuz I thot they were weak, yet now I'm acting in the same way as the girls I used to laugh at. Someone should make fun and laugh at me. Maybe that'll help me snap out of it.

That's just what I mean by not living the same way once someone new has entered your life. You never know how and what will happen until certain people have made a definite impact in your life. I know that's the case for me, and the thing is, as much as I try to not let it change and affect me, it does. It even affects how and what I talk about because it seems as if everything I do and wanna talk about would involve certain people one way or another. I just become someone I never expected myself to be.

That first one is just like most of the things I write about: things that concern me and things I constantly think about in one shape or form. Here's another one. It's a poem. And I don't mean to post these things for people to comment on, although I wouldn't mind those, they're really for me to gather and organize my thoughts so that I don't have to share to people how vulnerable and meek I feel inside sometimes. And sometimes, I wish I could be more understood and less judged because of the way I am and the way I act sometimes.

Even the deep blue sea

Aint got nothin on the thoughts I keep.

Not even the widest and grandest of canyons,

Cuz these freestyles twirling around in my head are just too damn deep.

If my thoughts were material,

I swear to you they would be more powerful

Than the atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima during the war.

They could cause genocide, they're that prolific and constant.

My thoughts, as food?

Well they can end world hunger,

In Africa, Asia, anywhere if you ask me.

They are that nourishing and vast.

But my thoughts are often not given value,

Not by him, not but you, not even by myself.

Because most of the time, they just cause anxiety

So I just leave em and store em up on a shelf.

But I doubt there's enough shelves or even rooms in the world to store my thoughts,

Especially the ones I try to forget and ignore

Since I don't want to add to the already growing hatred and abhor.

I wish they would just understand.

I'm not asking that they reprimand

Me for constantly and wishfully thinking,

But I'm asking, that maybe, just maybe,

Some of my thoughts could be heard,

Cuz just like the little voices waiting in Sudan

Or the big voices dying in North Korea,

I have something to say

And just like them,

I want peace too.

Peace of the heart, body, and soul.

Peace of mind.

Inner peace to increase man.

For him, you, and me- I

Want peace for those living- and dying- today.

I don't usually act like this, because I don't like feeling this way at all. I like being in a state of happiness as much as I can. But I needed a way to release these emotions, thoughts, whatever people wish to refer to them so I don't drive myself nuts. That's all.

***WISHFUL THINKING

P.S. Who knew that thinking can get a person into these kinds of things. Almost feeling like, "Ahhh oh well, fuck it." Never a good feeling to possess, ever.

"Thank You"

Such a short/small phrase, yet it gives such great pleasure to those who are on the accepting side side. At the same time, it also gives wonderful elation to the giving side because it means that one has done something worth mentioning and being grateful for. It's such a common expression for many people to say, but did you ever take the time to actually stop and experience a 'thank you' from someone who truly meant it from the bottom of their hearts? On the other hand, did you actually take the time to live in the emotions you feel when giving thanks to someone, especially those you truly care about, from the bottom of your heart? 

Such a simple, common phrase yet sometimes, I forget to even mention it to show my appreciation to my most beloved parents. It had to take a simple 'thank you' from someone I truly care about, and for me to be on the receiving end to open my eyes to the importance of the phrase and the significance of actually saying it to the person.

My parents, especially, do anything and everything for me and I rarely ever say 'thank you' even as a consolation for all their hardwork. But I was on the phone saying goodnight, asking if someone felt better, not expecting it, and then he said it. "Thank you though," was what I heard, and it just made me feel so warm and appreciated, and it just felt good. So from now on, a proper and much deserved THANK YOU will be devoted to the most selfless people I know. And for those of you, make sure you always remember to give thanks and show your appreciation to those who help you through your days. You never know, that simple common phrase may just brighten and make their day! :)

speaks for itself

love theory

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life…

And sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again…

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person…

In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else…

Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little…

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right…

Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, We are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger..

[read this from candiedjamz.com and she got it from some girl's myspace in '08, but i liked it]

Ahhh, Sunday!

Who knew that mass can relate back to real life? Well, shit I guess everybody does but it actually hit me today. 

The priest was talking about suffering and how those who are weak and those who suffer are actually the ones who are strong in the eyes of God. I got that and I was pretty convinced. Then lunch came and I asked my dad a simple question, and like always, with absolutely NOOO disrespect for him, he kinda lectured me about surrounding subjects and made me realize that the priest was right. I have been selfish and even with one simple question, I can hurt him and my mom because sometimes, I ask for things they cannot provide and it hurts them because they just want what is best for me.

I realized, well he made me realize, that material things are not as important and that I shouldn't strive to be possessive or even obsessive towards them, because in the end, they are just that- THINGS. And I understand that, but sometimes, I feel extra guilty because I feel like I cannot control my desire to keep up with the Jones' as they say and it makes me feel really bad.

I'm glad I have a dad who can help me get my feet back to the ground and have my mind straightened back to reality and help me focus on what is really important- family, education, and success- which will definitely come. And with that, I can possess all that I want. I just need to have patience, understanding, and strength- just like in other aspects of life, like in relationships and what not.

On a lighter note [LOL], my girl Esther became a salvation for me today. She called me up when I was just laying on my bed, about to fall asleep and do nothing again, and we went to go get our nails did! Now, I got some french tip acrylics- well, with pink, almost reddish tips, and yeahh, well it's not all that much, but I appreciate seeing her since I haven't seen her in months and I missed my shawtayyy! :)

Took me away from hours and hours and hours that I have to myself to think and overanalyze shit. But today just felt great because I realized some good thangs, and I remembered what my babe said- how I should appreciate what we have, and even if we don't talk as much or whatever, it doesn't mean that we care less about each other.

babe u knw i nisse u alot

tht shud never b a question

n theres no doubt i feel the same

but i toldddddddd u

i get worried wen u say shit like tht

cuz i feel so much pressure

like i hav a 1% chance of not hurtin u

n it kills me cuz ur my nissey baby

n i always want u around in my life

i knw u feel strong boo

but u cnt let tht get in the way of life n u livin

its good 2 hav thm

but dnt let tht hinder u

let it guide u

u wud jus gotta b strong 4 me baby

jus dnt worry abt it

enjoy where we're at

dnt take it 4 granted

dnt beat urself up over nthn

we str8t boo

we're good

u hav me in a place tht no one is rlly capable of doin

so smile muthafucka

- and that goes along with the rest of my relationships as well

***OPTIMISTIC

Thoughts #764993

Currently listening to 'Incomplete' by Sisqo on repeat for reasons that I cannot explain, as I browse through the old news of myspace...but I found this from a friend of a friend's page and I thought it was interesting. Peep it out:

They say the only time you waste in your life is the time you spend thinking you're alone.  So how do you make those moments pass? Things aren't the best...but they could be worse. A majority of the time we spend thinking about whay we dont have instead of what we do .  But what if what were' thinking about  is someone we dont have...But did have?? I have many thoughts running through my mind.  The nice people almost always get fucked over.  It must just be the way this world works.  Friends are liars.  Lovers are deceivers.  At times it can be fairly easy for me to put my feelings down...how do you describe aggression?? Im not even sure how im feeling.  So many mixed emotions running through my ...my everything.  My everything then is my everything to hate now.  AND YOU!!!...I just dont know  what to say...how to say. Am i the center of your joke? "Silence was her escape, but silence is rarely a refuge. Her thoughts still haunted her" Thoughts.  Memories playing over and over in my head.  Yes you did make my lip stop shivering...now it shivers with anger.  I miss you.  I dont need you.  How do you forget someone you werent ready to lose?? Be strong.  Our greatest battles are that with our own minds. You reminded me of brighter days. Time can do so much.

Shaking eyes blurred

I hate you at this very moment

Push me away wth your words

Every word make me hate you more

All will pass, I love you

Then once again I hate you

Love and hate with you

Aggrravation taking over

Your words sinking deep into my thoughts 

Insane, you're insane and taking me with you

I want to understand

It was work and now what?

Gone so fast

I'll never understand

But maybe thats the concept

Everyone must wonder in their life

Ill forever wonder why it couldnt work

Wonder why everything seemed so perfect...

But really wasnt

"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside.  We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us.  But hatred is a curved blade.  And the harm we do, we do to ourselves"... I dont want to lose you.  Good Friends. Truth is, Im sure you both dont regret it. You call Too. What's going to happen?? I really dont know what to tell you...

If you could for one second understand me...If you could for one minute look inside me. You would see. The good never get good.  Memories mean nothing when it comes to you.  I wish to erase you.  The anger seeps in my blood...my mind... my everything.  Aggression. Agitation. Embarrassment. Im the laughter. Everything seeps... deep... deeper... Ive drowned...Im dead...Im done

I thought her words were pretty damn intense so I had to blog about it because I can somehow relate on some levels. But have you ever been that person who always seems to analyze, overthink, and over contemplate everything, I mean EVERYTHING?! Because I sure know what that's like and how it feels because people always tell me to stop thinking- as if I didn't already know that was one of my biggest problem, if not theee most major. Sometimes, I just don't know how to stop having these thoughts and they add worry and anxiety in my life that is sooo unnecessary. Like take for example, if I get a BBM or a text that even slightly sound like it may have another meaning, I immediately go to the worse connotation of the message and analyze and overthink about what the person meant. I know it sucks for those people because I always end up feeling anxious, disappointed, and what not, but it's even worse for me! I can never not overthink things, unless I'm reassured, and that makes me feel weak- as much as I hate to admit it. SIGHHHHH! I don't wanna think of myself as an insecure person, but damn, it sure seems and looks that way and it really sucks. I really wish to change because it seems to push those I care about away, and if it doesn't, well it results into other negative feelings. I know I know, people always tell me to just stop thinking, as if it was that easy. Shit, I wish it was. I wish I could just snap out of it, and sometimes I do, but then something triggers it, and I'm back to being paranoid. But it helps to talk about it and it helps that the people close to me know about it and somehow try to understand it. I guess I'll just have to really be patient with myself and be strong, and continue to remind myself that I'm okay, for the sake of me and those around me who get stressed and worried when I am too.

***SOMEWHAT RELIEVED

It all started with this!

 i dnt give a fuck

maybe u cud not give a fuck wit me 2

kick it wit me

thn b thru

u effortlessly make me smile

so i take a moment

n turn back the dial

2 the ingredients of creating

guaranteed [ill.] elation

 

Dish: William Cavan Reid

          [as he should be]

ingredients:

 

One Fitted hat-cuz u wrap around my mind and thoughts so tightly yet so comfortably and create in those thoughts the most beneficial second-guessing i have ever experienced

 

One Child with a smile- cuz ur playful attitude takes me back to innocent life n releases me 4rm stressful thinking

 

A really refreshing movie- becuz u are definitely a "character" that sum actress has to portray you in the future ur personality is so surreal

 

A fresh pair of sneakers-cuz jus like shoes, you hav 2 search and hav sum luck 2 hav a chance meeting wit sumthn like u thats so revered and needed

 

One well-made Smoothie- cuz 2 create such a delicious drink u must mix in multiple attributes jus as u are mixed not jus racially, ur mentality and personality has sternness and shyness 2 create sumthn very real

 

A good laugh- self-explanatory u make me laugh at my lowest points

as well as my highest

 

Southern California- sunny disposition, fashion sense, shit talkin,common sense, and a motivation for more

 

All the most bomb food in the world- my fat fat....... u come in a close second behind fruit snacks but 4real u bein a woman n bein so open abt ur appetite is so crucial/neat/ne otha gay synonyms u wanna throw in there

 

 

Mix all together

Bake for 5 months

 

"A smile should never be wasted, it's the most powerful human expression"

-Will Reid

This is not meant to be some corny “I profess my affection 4 u” type poem

It is merely my thoughts on paper and the effect you have on me getting back to my normal self.

[-03-17-09-]

***Outlandish good looks don't stand a chance without undeniable charm, impeccable style, breathtaking personality, fresh humor, and flawless confidence to complete the package. But yeah I kinda have it THAT good (:

[i miss that muhfuckah like hella bad]

Hyper days...

PET PEEVE # 107: It bothers me when I put a song on my blog but it only plays the first 30 seconds of it. Freakin imeem!

FAVORITE THINGS # 743: The Original Circus Animal Cookies- they're back due to popular demand! (:

So, when there is bad there has to be something good and I am definitely glad I have this blog and someone invented it because it's great for people like me who have tonssss and tonssss of things I think about.

I was feeling a lil irritated for some reason earlier but I'm in a great mood now :) Currently listening to the late MJ's "The Way You Make Me Feel" cuz it's such a feel good song, wouldn't you agree?! Anywhooo, here are some pictures- updated ones- since I haven't put any new ones up. ENJOY suckahhss!

[About to roll out to Urban with David's car]

[About to beach it...supposedly]

[Out to lunch at Applebee's]

[Dad's Ray Bans & my moms]

[Thinking of really cutting it this short]

***I'M IN ECSTASY! (:

Pondering...

Every time we're far away I feel like my heart could crumble into pieces from missing you so much. 
I feel like I can express anything and everything I'm feeling towards you, and even if I know there's 
nothing really there to talk about, I want to because it would be with you. Then I come up with scenes in 
my head of how I would react when I see you and in my head, I get so excited to the point where my smile 
would reach my ears and my legs would reach your back because I get so happy that I just jump on you and 
kiss you, and you would catch me and kiss me back would a smile in your eyes and your lips exposing 
your dimples I love so much. But then I don't understand why every time I do get to see you in person, 
I feel as if I'm not as connected as I had anticipated. I wanna show you how happy I am to see you. 
I wanna jump on you and kiss you and initiate that look that I imagine in my head that causes you 
to give me that smile I love. But I can't seem to do it and every time I see you, it just comes off as if I 
hadn't even been looking forward to seeing your face, feeling your touch...and I'm so sorry that I come 
off that way but I have no idea why I just can't seem to express myself to you. I feel like Hitch because 
I feel like I can only say things behind a closed door knowing you're right behind it but I do care about 
you and truly mean what I say and feel. I wish I knew how to fix it and knew how to make it better. 
I think I just need to not hold back because I do wanna do those things when I see you but I get scared 
of how you would react and I wouldn't want you to be overwhelmed or anything so I don't do it and I 
wait for you to do it. Next time I just need to have the determination to do it and if you react in a bad way,
hey at least I got to try it and then I'd know.
 

***JUST A THOUGHT.